I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times. 

-Celine (Before Sunset)

Sometimes I wonder how many people I'll meet. How many connects will I make, how will I recognize true ones in the middle of the fakes.  And how many of them is going to stay in my life for good. 

I guess time will show me.

Love,

Ambivalent

Sickness

Yea, Midsummer is coming. It starts tomorrow and what am I doing? Sleeping in my bed, because that's the only thing I can do right now.

I got sick yesterday and this is so annoying. I have highest fever ever, I'm coughing my lungs out and blowing my nose. I can't breath well, but I believe this will go away soon. My aim is to survive to work on Sunday. So I still have two days to get better..

But the best thing being sick is my little nest. I have made a little nest in my bed, I have everything I need close to me. I have cough medicine, pastilles, juice, tissues, blanket, pillows and everything! Too bad I have to get up if I want something to eat or if I have to use toilet. Otherwise I wouldn't need to get up.

I'll get back to you after I get better. My brain is hurting because of all this thinking.

Love,
Ambivalent

What if you should decide

I have been missing travelling. I wish I could just go and do whatever I want. But there's always the but.

I have been planning about going to interrail in August. I don't have money right now, but I know I can get it before I go. I have no idea where I want to go, but somewhere. I want to experience this now, before starting studies. Right now it would be the right time to go, kind of the end of era.

But.
I'm starting studying next autumn. Which means I should save every penny I get. For living during the studies. I know that would be the wisest (and probably the right) thing to do. I know I won't have enough money for living if I don't have any savings. I'm planning to work so much that I have the money. During studying I mean.

I would love to be able to pay rent for my dad when I'm studying and I really plan to do that. even though I know my dad probably won't ask for it. But he has helped me so much and I really want to help him too. I don't want to be a freeloader anymore.

Anyway. I would love to go interrailing this summer. It would suite my plans perfectly. It could be ending for my gap years, it could end my travelling for a while. In other hand.. I know it would be insane to go abroad right before studying. I need to save everything I can, at least everyone seems to tell me that.

Even though - if I really skip interrail this year, I won't spend those money during my studies. I can't let myself to use my hard earned money on something so stupid as studying. I would put that money in some kind of bank account where I can't get them before graduating. 

And for some reason, for some people it's still hard to understand why I plan to travel alone. Seriously guys, I have been doing it quite much in last years - it shouldn't be a problem anymore. You know I can survive on my own. You know how much I love it. You know how much I need it. Because it's the only time when I can truly be free, when I'm truly taking care of myself and only myself. 

Love,
Ambivalent

If our love is insanity, why are you my clarity?

You know that feeling when you are falling in love with someone. You don't feel hunger, you don't have to eat, you are constantly euprohic. Is it possible to love the world so much, that it causes those symptoms?

Can you be in love with the world? 

Love,
Ambivalent

You have to choose.

Last two years I have been trying to get some motivation for studying. I have been working and travelling, spending my gap years wisely. And now it's time to decide one of the hardest things in my life.

This past two years, I have had place to study in social services. I have postponed going in and starting studying, because well.. I don't have any motivation. I don't know what do I want to do later in my life. I don't have any goals. And it's hard to score if you don't have goals.

Next autumn I really have to decide do I want to start studying there or not. I also have three entrance exam this spring, two already done. I don't think I'll get in any of those. But no worries, I still have my place in social services!

But if I'm really honest - I'm not sure do I want to go there anymore. I find it pretty stupid to study something, when you have a feeling, you won't ever work in that field.
In fact, I have been thinking.. What if these mood swings are my hearts way to tell me, that I should not study, not right now. Right after I realized there's a change that I can't start studying in social services because of my mental health I filled with peacefulness.

It's hard to tell which one is my heart's true voice.

Love,
Ambivalent