Stimulate my consciousness

Close your eyes, open your mind up to the sky. Smile and fly to your own world. To your own imaginary universe. Disappear from this reality. Go and make yourself happy.

Or maybe you are usually in your own world and sometimes, just for a moment - one brief moment, you become one with this reality. You can feel everything around you, see everything even without opening your eyes. You hear people breathing. Hear them moving, smiling, touching each other.

You have become part of this world, you are fully conscious about everything. You know the past and future, but it doesn't matter - you know that only this moment matters. Just smile, because you are finally in the right place.

And then it disappears again. The connection is gone. You fell back to normality, but it doesn't matter. Now you know, there's more. You know you can be part of this reality. You can trust this world.

Love,
Ambivalent

You should look back twice, just to be on the safe side.

After first semester as a college (or university, I'm not sure which one this is) student, I have to admit - I love studying. I love to learn new things, to get grades, to be important part of our school. I absolutely love to be a student.

But you know, this school isn't good for my mental health. There isn't such a school that could be good for me. I don't know how to not stress about everything. How to trust it's okay if I don't get perfect grade from every exam. How to be less perfectionist.

I have never learnt it. In every school I have been part of student board, tutoring or something. I don't know how to let those things go. Because I love being tutor, I love to influence. I don't even want to stop doing my thing.

The thing is that I'll lose my mind if I do everything I want. I want to be perfect, I want to be part of almost everything. In fact I kind of need to be part of everything so I can please all sides of me. But it will eventually drive me crazy. Crazier than I already am.

Love,
Ambivalent

I can face the day.

Whole November went without writing. So many things have changed and yet - nothing. I'm still living my life as usual, sometimes I love everything and some other day it takes 4 hours just to get out of bed. I haven't cleaned my apartment since my birthday. ..Wait, is it really that long, I can't believe that..

Anyway. I have been studying quite lot lately, because I have exams coming next week. I got elected to the board of representatives, international tutor and also to "the partyteam", which is organising all those student's events. On top of those I'm supposed to work and study. Apparently I'm gonna have quite busy year. And I love it!

I know I tend to collect too many things to do and then I end up stressing about everything. This time I have been trying my best not to take everything. I have taken only quite easy tasks. Hopefully. Right now this fuss and busy make me feel alive. And it's so amazing.

Maybe I just start studying again.

Love,
Ambivalent