After first semester as a college (or university, I'm not sure which one this is) student, I have to admit - I love studying. I love to learn new things, to get grades, to be important part of our school. I absolutely love to be a student.
But you know, this school isn't good for my mental health. There isn't such a school that could be good for me. I don't know how to not stress about everything. How to trust it's okay if I don't get perfect grade from every exam. How to be less perfectionist.
I have never learnt it. In every school I have been part of student board, tutoring or something. I don't know how to let those things go. Because I love being tutor, I love to influence. I don't even want to stop doing my thing.
The thing is that I'll lose my mind if I do everything I want. I want to be perfect, I want to be part of almost everything. In fact I kind of need to be part of everything so I can please all sides of me. But it will eventually drive me crazy. Crazier than I already am.
Love,
Ambivalent
"The thing is that I'll lose my mind if I do everything I want. I want to be perfect, I want to be part of almost everything."
ReplyDeleteSomeone said to me the other day that if you always strive for perfection you will never be whole. Something or someone that's perfect fits in everywhere, and thus has to constantly be changing to fit the different molds that arise in the world. So to become whole - or, paradoxically, perfect - versions of who we are, we need to let go of trying to be perfect and try learn how to really be ourselves.
Also, there's this:
“You know, the whole thing about perfectionism. The perfectionism is very dangerous. Because of course if your fidelity to perfectionism is too high, you never do anything. Because doing anything results in...it's actually kind of tragic because you sacrifice how gorgeous and perfect it is in your head for what it really is. And there were a couple of years where I really struggled with that.” - David Foster Wallace
Yea, but it's so hard to ignore parts of myself. Different sides want different thing and if I don't do everything, some side will be unsatisfied. It would be much easier if most of the pressure or demands would come from outside world. But it comes inside of my head. How can I tell it's something I should let go and when it's being true to myself.
DeleteBut I agree, perfectionism is vert dangerous..
Yes, that's just the thing isn't it - which side to listen to and when.
DeleteI believe "ammattikorkeakoulu" is mostly referred to as college, but the whole thing is very confusing (http://fi.wikipedia.org/wiki/College).
ReplyDeleteMmm. It's really confusing. Espeacially when the name of the school is university of applied scienes. It doesn't really mean it's university, but still there are word university. So confusing.
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