Can you see the light?

"January was dark and cold. It was full of sadness and sorrow. It felt like I had raining clouds over my head, I wanted to crawl under a rock. Nothing special happened, but there wasn't any feeling at all. No bad nor good. It was just time of emptiness.

But now.. Now I'm back. Clouds have disappered and I can see the light again. I feel so alive, I have energy and I believe in myself. Dancing in the streets, being pure love, I can't stop smiling! "

I have been opening this entry many times now, I have been trying to write this over a week. I have written a few words, but I can't find the right words for this feeling. I wish you could see inside of my head. You could understand what I'm talking about.

I can't consentrate, my mind goes its own way - I try to keep up, but sometimes I fail. Like right now. My mind would go much further than my body allows. My body decided it's time to rest a little bit. It's okay, because in five days I'll be in Spain with Red. It's better rest now.

I feel so good and I love all of you.

Love,
Ambivalent

Ghosts from the past

He called me middle of the night. It has been about one year. About year ago he disappeared. Stopped calling, stopped answering me - he disappeared from my life and I understood it. I knew it was best for him. I was holding him from getting what he wanted. And he made his choice.

"This is really bad idea. I'm not suppose to call you. 

I have promised I won't call you. But I miss you. Really much."

Yeah. I know that. I have missed him too. We had really good relationship, we were so alike. I was able to understand his feelings, his thoughts and I knew exactly what he was talking about. He had strong opinions and he wasn't afraid to show them. 

"Why do you have to be so lovely?

I like you so much,

but I also fucking hate you.

You are an asshole."

I know and I told him that. In the beginning I told not to fall in love. I told I tend to disappear, I told no one is staying in my life for long. I'm difficult personality, really dissonant and it will take quite much to handle me. Especially if you get too close. 

"Please. Tell me that there's no change for us.

Make it clear, say I have to go."

And so I told him. I fucking hate goodbyes.

Love,

Ambivalent