and I was empty

So what was the Leuven trip for me? It was meeting new people, getting known to my teachers better, realizing how much I have changed again. I was hanging with few guys from Belgium, France and England. And of course with K. We went out almost every night because we didn't want to miss anything.

Partying in Leuven isn't that different than in Finland, but there's much more student parties and cheaper beer. The normal beer size was 0,2 litres and it cost 1-2euros. Here in Finland normal beer is at least 0,33 litres and usually in bars it's 0,4litres. It costs 2-6euros here, so yeah - it's little bit cheaper in Belgium but not as much as it felt.

At some point I was thinking how is it possible I'm not drunk yet even though I had drank at least 6 beers, but then I realized - since I hate the taste of regular beer, the beers I drank were special flavour beer like cherry and peach. And those beer weren't the normal 4,7%, they were 2,5% or 3,5%. Of course it wasn't the same as back home.

I spent most of the time with other students and at the some point I realized I'm not that into partying like them. The bars were crowded, music was in dutch (oh my, now I understand the exchange students who hate when DJ starts to play Finnish rap on night club..) and I wasn't drunk enough to enjoy it. I know you don't need to be drunk to party, but lately I have been so anxious it has been almost impossible to go out - even when drunk.

One night I ended up having a small panic attack on the streets of Leuven and realized I haven't been out without Ted or Red for a long time. They have been my support in the night and I have got used to having them around me. They have been the ones I can count on and being out without them is like my wings have been ripped off.

I use to be independent, but lately I have become insecure, introverted, anxious. I have started to fear the outside world and it takes so much energy to actually go out and meet people. After the whole week being social and studying, I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep, I wanted to cry, I never ever wanted to leave my apartment again.

But right now, it's all better now and I'm already waiting for my next trip. Next stop: Utrecht, Netherlands. In May I'll be there for one week to innovate. It's gonna be interesting.

Love,
Ambivalent