There's thin line between friendship and partnership.

Everyone seems to be aiming at partnership. They try to find the one person, who is perfect for you, who fits in your personality. The one who makes your life whole. The one who is something different than friend, yet she's supposed to be your best friend at the same time.

I have been thinking about partnerships and friendships. Relationships. I know there are something different between friends and partners. Something that makes someone so special, something that tells them apart. But what is that thing? What makes the difference?

I know it's not sex, definitely not sex. Because in that case I would have been dating most of my friends. And usually the longer relationship the less sex they have. At least that's what I have heard.
In my past relationships there haven't been sex. Of course a little bit, because it's something you are supposed to do with your partner. It's normal, because when else people would be having sex. For me it sounds crazy to want and have sex with your partner, but I think it's because I have been with wrong people.

It could be the fact how close the person is to you. The closer the person is to you, the more likely you are in partnership. It doesn't work like that, since usually friends are way closer than your partner. Your friends are the persons who have been there for you every time you need them. They have given you the comfort, helped you whenever you have needed. They haven't gone anywhere even if you haven't talked with them in few years. Your friends have always been there, they haven't gone anywhere. Friendships last longer.

I find it kind of silly to say you are in partnership, if it doesn't actually make any difference. Or if it does, it makes something "less" than friendship. Why would anyone want to be in relationship that's shorter, less intimate, less passionate than friendship?

The best explanation I have heard this far is "the X factor". There are nothing special in that person who you want to date, it's all the same as your other friends. But there's some random x-factor that makes it partnership instead of friendship. Now I just need someone to explain me what that x-factor is.

So can you please explain me, what makes the difference between friends and partners?

Love,
Ambivalent

Individuals

I look at him and I can't get over it. He smiles the same way. He has the same look in his eyes. He says exactly the same things. His body language is the same. The way he walks. The way he touches his hair, the way how he looks at me. He is the same.

And it's kind of freaky. To see other version of Dancing boy. Of course they are not the same, but I can see so much of Dancing boy there. He has the ability to see through other people, but he's still little bit insecure to trust himself and the fact it really works. He might not even care to have that ability, he's not that interested about other people. But I know he has the ability and he would be so damn good if he would have little bit effort.

He could tell what's in my mind just by looking me. He could see inside of me, if he just dare to believe. Believe his instinct. Trust his heart.

I don't know how am I supposed to react, what should I do. Because they are not the same person, even though they feel like it. They are two completely separate individuals. I should treat them as individuals. But it's so weird, and sometimes I forgot he's not Dancing boy.

Love,
Ambivalent

No one's gonna take my soul away

I have started at least 5 different posts lately. And never managed to write more than few sentences.

I have written about anger which wipes out everything good. It destroys smiles, it turns light to darkness. How everything pisses me off. About happiness which flows through me. Evenings when I fell asleep smiling, disappearing in the music. Nights when I wake up all lights still on.

I have written about my school, my new friends there. How I want to remember everything, but I forget everything after few days. How everything becomes blurry so easily, but how everything is also so bright. How I have been studying - me, who doesn't have any motivation for studying.

I have been trying to write about what I have learn lately, how I have seen the change in me. I'm lost and yet I'm not. I know exactly where I am and where I want to go, and at the same time - I know nothing. How I have found strange link with weird people and it's as scary as always. Found people who think same strange things, people who understand your thoughts.

I have been wanting to write so much, I have been trying so much - and this is all I can do.

Love,
Ambivalent