One done!

One year behind. 59 etcs, average grade 4.6 in scale 1-5. I know I should be proud of myself, 4.6 is quite good grade. I have got only grades 4 and 5. But it doesn't feel good. It doesn't make me feel good, proud or anything like that.

In fact.. I think it makes me feel kind of disappointed. I'm always waiting for the amazing feeling I'm so good! and when school can't provide that for me - it's always so disappointing. I work quite hard to get good grades, even though I don't get anything from them.

I look at my grades and for a half second I'm thinking yea, that's not so bad and then I back in the reality. It's just a number, it doesn't count on anything. It doesn't mean I'm good. It doesn't define how I am or what kind of person I am. It just means some teacher thinks that I have learnt something.

Of course it's good  that school doesn't define me, because I would stress the hell out of myself. Well, I'm already stressing too much. Why am I still putting so much effort on something that doesn't matter? Silly girl.

I still feel like this whole year has been for nothing. I haven't learnt anything or at least it feels like it. What if that feeling doesn't shake off even after graduating?

One done, three to go.

Love,
Ambivalent

Pause.

"I can't wait for graduating! Then I can go to Thailand and start doing my own thing.

I can't wait for my own hair to grow back! Then I can dye my hair again."

I hear myself talking like that too many times. I'm waiting for something, so I can do something I want. I can't enjoy this time, because I'm wanting something else. I'm living in on-hold-mode. I have paused my life to accomplish something. Is that even possible and why am I doing it?

Most people around me says "you have to follow your dreams". I know that. I know that I should follow my bliss, I should get out there - get truly lost and find my own way. I should wander around, see the world in my own way. But instead of that, I'm studying in university of applied sciences. 

I have built-in sense of responsibility. Quite strong one. Some voice inside of me says, that I have to go to school, I have to get that degree. I don't know why, because I don't believe I'll ever in this field. I just don't believe my path will lead me to engeneering work. But you never know. 

Because of that voice in my head I feel resbonsible to go to school. 

I'm studying, but it doesn't feel like I'm living my life. This is just some phase, something extra that doesn't belong to my path. Detour. Something I have to do, even though I'm not quite sure why. I know no one is making me do this. No one is saying "you have to go to school". It's me whose resbonsibility it is to pause my life and study. 

Why studying doesn't feel like part of my life? 

Love,

Ambivalent