Pause.

"I can't wait for graduating! Then I can go to Thailand and start doing my own thing.

I can't wait for my own hair to grow back! Then I can dye my hair again."

I hear myself talking like that too many times. I'm waiting for something, so I can do something I want. I can't enjoy this time, because I'm wanting something else. I'm living in on-hold-mode. I have paused my life to accomplish something. Is that even possible and why am I doing it?

Most people around me says "you have to follow your dreams". I know that. I know that I should follow my bliss, I should get out there - get truly lost and find my own way. I should wander around, see the world in my own way. But instead of that, I'm studying in university of applied sciences. 

I have built-in sense of responsibility. Quite strong one. Some voice inside of me says, that I have to go to school, I have to get that degree. I don't know why, because I don't believe I'll ever in this field. I just don't believe my path will lead me to engeneering work. But you never know. 

Because of that voice in my head I feel resbonsible to go to school. 

I'm studying, but it doesn't feel like I'm living my life. This is just some phase, something extra that doesn't belong to my path. Detour. Something I have to do, even though I'm not quite sure why. I know no one is making me do this. No one is saying "you have to go to school". It's me whose resbonsibility it is to pause my life and study. 

Why studying doesn't feel like part of my life? 

Love,

Ambivalent