One done!

One year behind. 59 etcs, average grade 4.6 in scale 1-5. I know I should be proud of myself, 4.6 is quite good grade. I have got only grades 4 and 5. But it doesn't feel good. It doesn't make me feel good, proud or anything like that.

In fact.. I think it makes me feel kind of disappointed. I'm always waiting for the amazing feeling I'm so good! and when school can't provide that for me - it's always so disappointing. I work quite hard to get good grades, even though I don't get anything from them.

I look at my grades and for a half second I'm thinking yea, that's not so bad and then I back in the reality. It's just a number, it doesn't count on anything. It doesn't mean I'm good. It doesn't define how I am or what kind of person I am. It just means some teacher thinks that I have learnt something.

Of course it's good  that school doesn't define me, because I would stress the hell out of myself. Well, I'm already stressing too much. Why am I still putting so much effort on something that doesn't matter? Silly girl.

I still feel like this whole year has been for nothing. I haven't learnt anything or at least it feels like it. What if that feeling doesn't shake off even after graduating?

One done, three to go.

Love,
Ambivalent