I'll do it my way.

"Everyone is just living their lives. Everyday life isn't full of emotions. People just live - they do their job, come home, spent time with family and maybe have some hobbies. It's normal. Everyday life is a circle and it's okay. It doesn't need to be more."

She didn't understand what I meant when I tried to explain. Of course it's okay to live your life like that. It's okay to enjoy your circle. But I want more. And I believe it's okay to want more. I want to paint my world with different colors, I want to have my kind of everyday life. Even if I don't know what is my kind.

I want to live the way that makes me feel.

I have had quite hard season going on. Many things in my mind, too much planning the future. I have cried, I have been anxious. I haven't been able to get out of bed, or if I have - it has taken many hours. I'm one big mess, but in the end - I'm quite happy. Those feelings, all of them are just part of my life.

And like I said - I want to live the way that makes me feel. I have to be ready to face the "bad" ones also.

I have said "my life is paused" and it's true. I'm just waiting for graduating, but I know it's wrong. Why wouldn't I just enjoy this time also? It won't last forever. Maybe I just need to make it more like me. Make it fit better for me.

Even though I'm in chaos, even though I'm feeling down, I'm starting to feel that it'll pass. Colors are coming back. I am happy.

Love,
Ambivalent

It feels a lot like life.

It has been chaotic, but at the same time everything feels normal. Life seems to got on right track, I have worked quite much and finally I have had energy to see my friends. Life is good.

It's weird to realise how much better it feels not to study. Of course I have known that school doesn't do good for me, I have known it's different to study than work. I knew things will change when I start studying, but I weren't ready for all of this. 

It doesn't feel like I'm living my own life. I'm in some kind of story, I do things just because I'm supposed to do things. I have lost the feeling about my own dreams, nothing feels like I'm doing it because I'm passionate about it. 

I have tried to fill in "Compass of life" and it's weird to realise nothing matters. There's nothing important for me. School got ½ point from max 10 points and still school is the place where I spent most of my time. At least during school year. I have thought that reason for me to go to school is everything linked to it. I like being in board of representatives, I like being tutor and now head of international tutoring in faculty of technology. I like being part of everything and I have thought it's the reason why I study. 

But when I filled in Compass of life I realised, it doesn't matter. Of course I like doing those things, but I wouldn't miss them if I wasn't part of it. I wouldn't be heartbroken if I had to resign from all of my duties. My life would continue the same. Or well, of course if I would resign I wouldn't be studying either. 

So basically my life would become normal again. 

I really like having a summer vacation. Life feels normal, it feels like my life. Life is good, life is beautiful.

Love,
Ambivalent