"Everyone is just living their lives. Everyday life isn't full of emotions. People just live - they do their job, come home, spent time with family and maybe have some hobbies. It's normal. Everyday life is a circle and it's okay. It doesn't need to be more."
She didn't understand what I meant when I tried to explain. Of course it's okay to live your life like that. It's okay to enjoy your circle. But I want more. And I believe it's okay to want more. I want to paint my world with different colors, I want to have my kind of everyday life. Even if I don't know what is my kind.
I want to live the way that makes me feel.
I have had quite hard season going on. Many things in my mind, too much planning the future. I have cried, I have been anxious. I haven't been able to get out of bed, or if I have - it has taken many hours. I'm one big mess, but in the end - I'm quite happy. Those feelings, all of them are just part of my life.
And like I said - I want to live the way that makes me feel. I have to be ready to face the "bad" ones also.
I have said "my life is paused" and it's true. I'm just waiting for graduating, but I know it's wrong. Why wouldn't I just enjoy this time also? It won't last forever. Maybe I just need to make it more like me. Make it fit better for me.
Even though I'm in chaos, even though I'm feeling down, I'm starting to feel that it'll pass. Colors are coming back. I am happy.
Love,
Ambivalent
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