I will change my ways

Days are flying by, they mix together and you can't tell what happened when, why something happened. Everything is blurry. I do so much and at the same time - nothing. You can't tell difference between days, they are so identical. How did I end up this again?

I have tried to avoid this situation so long, but it's so hard. No matter how much I avoid ordinary days, they find you. Even if you do something new or special everyday, it becomes normal at some point. How can you experience those awesome feelings what you get when you do something crazy, when nothing is unusual anymore? When nothing feels different anymore.

I do so much and at the same time - nothing. I'm trapped in this madness again. I wanna feel something. I wanna stare at the sky and scream, dance in the middle of the street, flirt with strangers. I wanna lay at the bed, put my legs on the wall, hold hands and laugh.

I need something, but I don't know what. I need to find that out. I need to find my next guide. And I'm not sure who will be my next guide. I'm lost, but I know I'll find my way back on track.

Love,
Ambivalent

Stay. Leave.

I want you here, next to me. I want you close to me. I want you to touch me, hold me tight. 

I want you gone. Go away. Don't touch me. 

No, don't go. Don't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone.

I want you near, but I don't want you close. 

I want to be free. And I can't be free if you are too close.

But it was not your fault but mine

and it was your heart on the line

I really fucked it up this time

Didn't I, my dear?

I'm so lost and I don't know how to find my way back.
Luckily - 15 nights and Iceland with Red. 

Love,

Ambivalent

ps. I just realized this was my 101th post here. Wow

I'm tired of trying to act normal

"He's like the man version of me."
"Do you mean, he likes to party, drink and have sex?"
"It's weird that you know only that side of me."
and still you are one of the persons with whom I spent the most time.

I wrap myself into cover and told I don't wanna leave, I don't wanna go out. I smiled, laughed and put my feet on the wall. Ted looked me like I'm crazy person, but it doesn't matter, not with him. I can be as crazy as I want and he won't go away. I don't have to act with him, because we both know what we are doing, we know how this is going to end and it's okay. I don't have to be something I'm not. I don't have to pretend anything.

The cover felt so good. The feeling against my skin was something so unique, something I have missed. It was so much softer than anything. I couldn't stop moving my legs, it couldn't stop moving. It felt like I'm on drugs. "Are you sure you are sober?" Yea, I'm sure about that. I'm just tired. And when I'm tired enough, I get really restless.

I wanna scream and shout 

and let it all out!

Love,

Ambivalent

Photos from Latvia

View over Riga from TV-tower

Some crazy Latvian fishing..

I want these here too!

Narvesen - something you find everywhere

Remember the place I wrote about, where we played pool? That's the bowling section. 

Awesome.

Little weird things from Fighters place

Weird, but awesome cat

And next some pictures from the zoo...

AND FINALLY:

Every Latvian must be Kung Fu master. 

Why else there would be warning stickers in every damn bus?

Love,

Ambivalent

Latvia trip!

"Things and stuff, stuff and things, stuff those things into stuff that have things."

My Latvia trip was really relaxing, I mostly hung out with Fighter (and his friends), walked until my feet were hurting too much and slept. I arrived on Friday and one of the first things I did was sleeping. It was funny I sleepy I was when I arrived even though the flight wasn't so long.

Fighter said that it was funny to see my facial impressions in the bus. I was so enthusiastic about

everything I saw. Every building were unique, so beautiful. Old and new next to each others. Too bad I forget to took photos of them. My English was little bit rusty on Friday, but slowly I started to remember how to talk. 

Friday evening we went to play pool and meet Fighters friends. It was awesome! It was so nice to play with people who are actually at the same level with me. I won three times and I can't remember ever winning before this! Our games took quite long time, because well, sometimes neither of the players managed to pocket.. 

That pool place was awesome! It was huge building with many pool tables, arcade games, bowling and bar. When we went there, I had a feeling that I have arrived to 80's. Everything was so colourful and bright. 

On Saturday we walked way too much. We met awesome people from Sicily, damn - I have missed those so much. We went to see TV-tower and of course we went up to see how Riga looks from above. There were guide, who didn't speak English that well, but luckily Fighter and other translated things to me. 

Then we visit the zoo, of course. It was funny to go there and see different kinds of animals. But those animals looked so sad. Giraffes were walking around in small area, lamas seemed little bit angry, the poor wolf was running around. It has to be really scary for them, when people are staring at them and taking photos. It's not life for wild animal. But I know that they wouldn't survive alive if let free. They have got used to people and feeding. 

After zoo we went to church. Yes, I went to church.Voluntarily. But there was good reason to do that. One of Fighter's friend was singing there, so we went there to listen him. He was awesome! But I have to admit that I almost fell asleep during the show. It was really hard to stay awake when they were singing songs that are obviously ment for sleeping! And I went there to see Fighter's friend, the other parts weren't meaningful to me. It was really beautiful show and I think it was really good that I didn't understand anything they said. 

We went to eat at Lido and that place was awesome! You could choose what ever you want to eat, there were different kind of potatoes, rice, meat, vegetables, grilled stuff, salads, desserts, drinks.. If you ever go to Riga, I recommend to check that place out.
After eating we walked little bit more and saw some parts of old town, but because walking so much, my feet started to hurt like hell and we decided to go finally go home and watch a movie.

Sunday and monday were lazy days. I slept quite much, bought candy and didn't actually do anything productive. But I enjoyed it. It was nice to spent time just with Fighter, talk and of course watch some Cartoon Network. I was feeling little bit sick, so it was good to slow down.

In summary, Latvia was awesome and quite different than home. I didn't party, I was sober almost whole trip. I slept better than in weeks and it did good for me. I met awesome people, even went to church because of them. Spent time with Fighter and that's the most important thing - Fighter was the reason why I went to Latvia. Photos later! ^^

Love,
Ambivalent

Back at home

I have arrived back to home. Latvia was awesome. Riga was full of opposites, there were many old buildings and right next to them there was new buildings. Everything seemed cheap, but I managed to spent way too much money. 

It was so awesome to meet Fighter's friends, walk around, see many places and sleep. I slept better than I have slept past 6 weeks, and it was so good. I really need energy.

I'm gonna write more about my trip later, I just came to tell that I'm alive and back home. I hope I manage to  transfer images from my camera somehow. 

Love,

Ambivalent

I've got so much to do

Miuwmauw.

Yesterday Red.
Today work.
Tomorrow Ballet.
Day after tomorrow Latvia and Fighter.

My week is more social than usually. I don't usually see see my friends this often, but it feels good to see them. I have been missing Ballet and Fighter so much. Last time I saw Ballet was.. Like half year ago? And before that we had two years without seeing each other. I saw Fighter last March, so it has been almost year. It's more understantable that I don't see Fighter so often, because he lives so far. But when it comes to Ballet (and many other friend), it's ridiculous how little we see. 

I have missed Red too, but luckily we have seen each other quite often lately. We have kind of found each other better past half year. Before that we haven't been in touch so much, but slowly we have became closer and closer friends and it's awesome. We have that silence connection and understanding between us. It has been there whole time, but now we are acting more according to it. 

I can't believe I'm actually going to Latvia. Time flied so fast and it's weird that it's really happening now. But this is different this time. Going somewhere, travelling. I have done this quite many times in past two years, so I'm starting to believe that I can travel. I can do things. I can do whatever I want, I can go wherever I want. This freedom, this power is so awesome. This feeling is so awesome.

Maybe I should start packing..

Love,

Ambivalent

I want to help you.

Do you know that feeling?
That feeling when many of your friends have problems. At the same time. You can see how they suffer, but you can't help them. You can't make things right again, you can't save them. You can't make them feel better. But you can always try.

And I try. I really try. I want to be there for everyone. I want to help everyone.
Sometimes I just don't know how.

It's weird how everyone seems to collapse at the same time. It happens very often. When someone starts to feel blue, soon her/his friends start to feel blue too. Same goes with happiness. Feelings are contagious. Dating and breaking up are contagious.
This time it's different. My friends doesn't know each other. And still they are feeling the same way. I can see how much my friends are suffering, even though they might not say it aloud. But I can see it.

Luckily I know. nothing lasts forever. Everyone starts to feel better, they find answers they are looking for, they smile again and feel good. I know it will happen some day.

Love,
Ambivalent