I know you won't disappear

As you can see, I didn't have time to write end of last week. Reason was simple, Red. That girl is something so special, so awesome.

Half week with her and I already got use to having her here. This apartment felt so empty on Sunday evening. My little sun has disappeared.

"You two are so funny. You seem like lovers and at the same time you are some kind of superfriends."
What can I say. One soul in two bodies. We click and somehow we blend together, we become one. We know how other one is feeling, we are so similiar, yet we have our differences - and that's good. I hope she will never leave. And I have a feeling, she won't.

My sun might be gone for a while, but she will be back soon. If not, I'm going there.

Love,
Ambivalent

I feel alive

After Iceland I have been more social, I have seen so many people, I have had energy to do things. I have been so happy. I have loved this world so much that it almost hurts. 

I cleaned whole apartment this Monday, even pillows and stuff. I didn't plan it, it just happened. S was sleeping over at my place, we helped our friend with her school project on Tuesday. We went to eat with H, it was so awesome to see H after a long time.
Today I have been  I saw H and spent awesome time with her, talked a little bit and drank long drinks. After a while Photographer joined us. And more drinks. I have bad influence to Photographer. Luckily we also went to eat chisene, so it wasn't only drinking. Then I saw Ted and he was awesome as always. Now I'm waiting for Red to arrive and we will probably go party.

So much of social life for one day. At least I am happy. I feel alive. 

If I have time later this week, I will write about something I have been wondering. Now I will go and dance until my feet hurt.

Love,
Ambivalent

Kurrpurr.

Tomorrow. Red. Finally.

No need to tell you that I have been waiting for her quite much?

Love,

Ambivalent

There are so many reasons to be happy.

"Has something nice happened recently, since you are in such a good mood?"

Life is beautiful. World is beautiful, when you want to see it like that. You can call me naive, but I rather pay attention to small, good things than worry about bad, ugly things. Like North Korea and possibility of World War III. 

Can't you see how sun makes water in your windows sparkling? Can't you feel how wind fondles you, how it takes your pain away? Can't you laugh when wind takes your hat and it lands in the water? Can't you feel sunshine?

World is so beautiful place and life is awesome. Here are some reasons.

Wind. It calms you down when you need it.

Sun. It brights everything.

Cold asphalt under your feet.

Bubbles. They are awesome - no other reason.

Snowflakes, the way they float in the air.

Spring. How everything wakes up slowly, the smell of spring.

Water. Warm shower, cold lakes. 

Sand. 

Soft sand under your feet, how it goes between your toes. 

Slipping on the rough sand, the sound it makes under your feet when you dance in the streets.

Good music. And the feelings it makes you feel.

Lying on the floor and moving your fingers really, really fast.

It just feels so funny and amazing.

New experiences. Bad and good ones.

Friends. 

Dancing. Especially dancing in the clubs. 

The feeling when you disappear from this world and become one with the music.

Being small. 

You are really small when you compare to universe. And it's kinda nice.

Animals. The way they look at you, the way they feel. 

Spinning around, around, around.

Eating. Good food is awesome. Nomnom.

Being alone. 

The feeling when you see your true self and learn to appreciate it.

Feelings. 

Up and downs, mood changes. 

I could continue this list forever. But because I have to go to bed and get ready for tomorrow, I have to stop here. Be happy, life will always carry you. 

Love,

Ambivalent

This song is for you my beatiful broken one

You got lost somehow

But I'm here for you now.

My child, your wings are all broken

but you're breathing

You said

That all the people are hanging on 

to their dreams, but yours is gone

and so there's nothing here

for you to believe in

And the demons in your head are not retreating

But I say

Yeio!

You're somewhere in the middle of the rain but your sun

is waiting at the horizon til the pain has gone

to paint your sky with rainbows

I wish I could be, I wish I could be like a rainbow

Bringing a smile on your face

I'll keep you warm and I'll keep you safe

when the light tries to escape from your eyes

Love,

Ambivalent

Your mind is wandering

I would love to write something beautiful. Something that makes some sense. But nothing makes sense right now. I keep losing moments, days. I keep making conversations up in my head, I see everything and nothing.

I would love to give something true about me. Something nice, weird or anything. I would love to be able to tell you something amazing. But I can't. I can't hold on one single thought longer than one second and then my mind is heading on next subject. My mind is going faster than I can keep up.

I'm going to lay in my bed, start listening music and lose myself there. 

Love,

Ambivalent

Even bad wolves can be good

Saying goodbye has always been hard for me. I hold on people longer than I should. I don't know how to let go. It hurts, it always hurts.

Someone said once that it's easier to let go, if your relationship has just begun. I agree with that, because in long relationships you have so many memories, so many good things which makes it harder to let go. Same goes with friendship. It's easier to accept losing a friend if you haven't been friends for long time.

But I experienced something different. I knew him only for couple of days. Two days in row, one night later. And still it hurts like hell to let go. Why is it so hard for me to accept that I probably won't see him ever again?

Dancing boy. 

Even thinking about him makes me smile.

He was really good guide. He gave me courage to be more me. But the time was too short. I'm afraid that my progress will stop, that I forget how good it felt to be me. How nice it was when someone actually paid attention to me, when someone saw inside me and accepted everything. 

I was scared, but also so safe. Everything was comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. Many things felt weird at first, but he always asked what's weird about this and I couldn't answer. I was more myself than I have been in ages. And it felt so good. 

I don't wanna forget that. Ever.

For couple of days he was the only thing that made sense in this crazy world. Through all the madness and the sickness, I know I can look to you for love and forgiveness. Oh man, I really miss him. It's hard to go back to old me, after seeing how much better new me is. 

I don't want to go back. I want to be the new me. Now I just need to figure out how to do that. 

Love,

Ambivalent

ps. Dancing boy, if you are reading this (I know you are) - here's one reason why I was so weird on the last night. I hate goodbyes and it was extremely hard to let you go. I never wanted to do that, even though I knew I have to. 

It feels weird to be home.

As many of you already know, I'm back home. I have been here couple of days already. Iceland was awesome and life changing - if I just give it a chance to do it.

You have already heard about how our flight was 18 hours late, how we slept in airport hotel and ate bad  food. You also know about our road trip, how we got stuck in the snow twice, how our bodies synchronized. But there was so much more.

There was bathing in Myvatn Nature Baths, couchsurfing meeting, too many noodles cups. Helpful people and so much love. Sleeping in weird places, cute dogs and cats. Partying with everyone, dancing all nights, laying in the streets. Many pizzas, way too much white bread and awesome cheesecakes.

There was Dancing boy, who probably changed my life. I don't wanna forget him ever and I think I won't. He was my guide, my turning point. Person who made more sense to me than many other. Person who showed me options, directions where I can go.

There was Lindy Hop and Salsa evenings, many young talented people. Flirting people in the bars, but no one touching without permission. There was awesome graffiti, big and well-done. Small cities, whose people seemed like some of them might not ever been in the capital, Reykjavik. Bigger cities, where you still knew too many people.

Iceland changed me, again.

Love,
Ambivalent

ps. I still haven't got all of the photos from Red..

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

I'm middle of the crisis. This crisis has been going on quite long, but right now I'm at the turning point. Point where I should decide what I want, who to trust and who to listen. And I have no idea what should I do.

I have built many roles for myself during years. It's good and bad thing.It's one of my greatest strengths. It gives me a opportunities to be almost everything. It helps me to get along with different people, and that's something you need in this world. Everyone has those roles, everyone acts differently with their friends and family, co-workers or boss, teachers and random people you have never met before.
I know that's normal. It's normal to show different sides of you. It's common sense.

But then there's a bad thing. When you have so many roles, the risk of losing your true self is higher. Right now I'm lost somewhere between those roles, somewhere there between roles of happy girl, caring friend, selfish party animal and control freak. I don't know which one is part of me and what is something I have made up.

My opinion about myself is completely different than my closest friends opinion about me. It's scary, because those people should be the ones who know me best. Even though it's not that surprising that they don't, because I have my own roles even with my best friends.
I show them different parts of myself. One is for talking, another one for partying. We share different intrests and some of you might think, that's just normal - everyone is doing that. But the thing is, I don't think those are actually different sides of me. It's more like.. I'm different person with everyone. That's why it's so hard to introduce my friends to each other.

And lately, none of those persons have felt right. They are old me. I'm not that person anymore. I'm tired of those roles I have, but it's hard to give them up. If I reveal my true self, will people still like me? I'm trying to open up more, because I have learnt that it can give me so much more. Even thoug, I can also lose everything. But it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

How am I supposed to know what's real and what's not, if no one shares the same reality with me?

Love,
Ambivalent