Perfect days

I have mentioned Ted quite many times here, haven't I. You could assumed that we spent quite much time together, but that's not true. We text and talk much, but we don't see each other that often. Even though I have to admit that lately we have seen more often. And today was the first time ever, when we spent whole day together.

It was awesome. We didn't actually do anything special. We went outside for a while, to beer garden (or terrace, what ever you want to call it). Had few drinks. Picked some food and went to Ted's place. I studied little bit math while Ted was playing. I laid in his bed couple hours and we talked, oh man - we talked so much.
"Well, everything is so easy between us.. Like natural. Everything comes so naturally"

If I could I would have stayed there over night. Unfortunately - I have to feed my lovely cats. Anyway, this day was so awesome. Nothing that special and at the same time - it had everything. It was kind of perfect.

I was planning to go there tomorrow too. I need to study and I know I won't study if I'm home. My laptop is way more interesting compered to studying.

Love,
Ambivalent

ps. Geez, I should trust my heart more. I should be partying right now.

Teach me

Dancing boy showed me, how much I can get if I open up myself. He saw right inside of me and never gave up until he got his answer. I hated it. And I loved it. After knowing him I was more sure about myself, I knew what I need to do. He showed me where to go.

But I have forgotten it. I have gone back to my little world. I'm more blissful than ever before, but I'm also more depressed. I have put those walls back, even though I saw how much good I can get without them.

I believe people are good, but I can't trust them. I don't know how to open up. I want to talk with everyone, I want to share my thoughts and tell everyone what I think and how I feel. But something inside of me stops me.

I'm not sure what am I expecting from other people. Dancing boy didn't give up, he just keep going and asking things until I told him. Ted is giving me space and waiting me to open up when I want. He doesn't except me to anything, he just takes me as me. Red, well.. Red  doesn't have to do anything, because she's like me. We are connected some weird and awesome way.

It would be so much easier if I knew what I want people to do, if there was some logic in me. But maybe it's not about what other people do, maybe it doesn't matter at all. Maybe it's about chemistry between two person. Some people just make you open up, you just click with them and everything comes naturally.

Love,
Ambivalent

Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do

Trust your heart. Usually it knows, what to do. It leads you in right place, tells what you have to do right now. I have been following one girl, who actually follows her heart. It's so beautiful thing to see. She makes decisions by heart - if it tells that you have to go to the mountains, she goes. If she feels like staying abroad, she stays.

I'm trying to learn how to listen and trust my heart. I had one of those perfect moments yesterday. I had been little bit down, in some other reality almost whole day. I can't remember much about work, but after work.. I went to see Ted, we didn't do anything special. We just hang out for a while.

Then I had to go home. Time was around half past ten, but it was still bright and warm outside. I walked towards bus stop, saw one girl, around my age, jumping across the street. I do the exactly the same thing when I'm extremely happy. I smiled and continued walking.

And then it hit me, right there, at the bus stop. I felt absolutely amazing serene feeling. Everything felt so right, I could feel the love from the world. I knew exactly what music I wanted to listen, how I wanted to sit. I just were completely serene. And I tell you - it felt amazing.

But that's not the perfect moment I was talking about. After I got home, I made food for myself. Usually I watch anime while eating, but for some reason I felt like, no, not today. I didn't want to watch anything else either. So I started to read. I opened Paolo Coelho - The Alchemist and I knew, that was the right decision. I knew it was time to read it now. And I read it, whole book. It only took two hours.

That might sound something small, but for me it meant the world right then. Because I felt something and I act according to it. I trusted my heart, even though it was small thing.
And it felt amazing.

Love,
Ambivalent

I'm pure love

I just wanted to tell that I love you all. You are awesome!

And yes, I'm superuper happy again. Can I pet everyone's heads right now? I just want to share this love to everyone. Because I really, really love everything. And everyone.
Please, let this feeling last. I don't wanna go down anymore.

Can I save most of the people now, please? I don't need to save everyone, I know I can't save everyone, but I want to save the ones I can. Love ones, you do know that you can always come to me and talk? Or just come to my place and crash for a while?

Oh man.
I'm pure love.

Love,
Ambivalent

I like you a lot

I am your butterfly

I need your protection

Be my samurai

Those words are stuck in my  head. 

I have so much energy and everything seems so wonderful again. I believe I can touch the sky. I love everything and everyone. I know I should be sleeping, but I don't feel like sleeping right now. I have been waiting for this feeling so long time. I want to enjoy it now. 

Maybe I should clean this house. Right now.

Or maybe I should go to bed. 

Love,

Ambivalent

Lights will guide you home

Some people are like sun. They make other's world brighter and happier. They make sense in this crazy world, they are the only thing that makes sense.

Their light guides you. It tells where to go, what's right and wrong. They are beautiful suns, making world beautiful. Even though sometimes - the light they give isn't in them. They just make world better place, they fill up the room with light. They calm you down, make you feel loved. They give more than anyone realize.

Do you know those people? Those bright smiling suns, who make everything alright. I hope you do, because everyone needs sun. People, who spent more time in sun, are usually happier.

Love,
Ambivalent

When you need your own space

I tend to dissapear. For short moments, from minutes to days, I go somewhere else. I'm not here anymore. I lose time and place. And every time it's harder and harder to come back.

I don't answer text messages, I don't answer phone calls. I don't read Facebook messages. If I answer, I answer shortly and after many hours or days. I'm locked in to my own little world. That's normal to me, it happens sometimes. When I need my own space.

I have tried to force myself to be social, even though I know I need to be alone. Right now, I need my own place. But I have so many new friends, who want to spent time with me, so it's kind of hard to dissapear. They get worried if I don't answer. They don't understand why am I acting so differently. They aren't used to that.
And well, it has been quite hard to be alone. I know I need to be alone, but I can't be alone.

I can't be around people, but I can't be without them either.

But right now, problem isn't dissapearing from other people. Problems start when I'm starting to dissapear from this reality and go to my own world. And when this starts to happen around other people.

Love,
Ambivalent