There's no antidote

Impossible to write. Can't sit still. Impossible to clean. Can't do it properly. Impossible to make plans. Can't think further than today. Impossible to take care of school stuff. It's too much trouble to fill few papers. Impossible to make budget. I won't follow it anyway.

Impossible to concentrate on anything. I have many things to do, but I can't finish anything. I just lose my concentration too soon. I have been little bunny, jumping around. Whole week. Maybe longer, but this week has been worse than earlier.

Today I'll lose myself in the music. Jump until my feet hurt. Disappear from this world and take B with me.

There's a glitch inside my system

pushing through my whole existence

Got me twisted, can't resist this

Something's flipping all my switches

Take'em, breake'em, make'em feel it

Mix it up and mess up with it

Pressude is riding me hard

Killer dose right through my heart

And there's no antidote

Love,
Ambivalent

Countdown starts soon.

So I decided to go inter railing  this August. Even though I don't know do I have enough money. Or where am I heading or what I want to see. I trust that my heart tells me where to go. I prefer not to do so much plans - they tend to change all the time.

Right now I have some plans.
I picked the most suitable flight for me and this time - it was flight to Corfu, Greece on 4.8. I have never been in Greece, but I have heard it's really beautiful place. Especially the coast and islands. So I'm gonna go there for couple of days.

After that I'll probably head to Budapest and maybe go to Sziget festival. One of my old teachers told me about that festival and told that it's something different. It's really awesome, not only music but also many other things to do. And the atmosphere.. I wanna experience it!
But we'll see what happens. Sziget sounds awesome, but it my heart leads me somewhere else - I'll follow.

After that I have little less than two weeks open. Maybe Vienna (seriously, when did that change from Wien to Vienna?), then Praha or some place in Germany.. Or maybe first Slovakia, then Warsaw and then.. Okay, I don't have any ideas what to do.

And it's okay. At least I have some place to be and go and it's Norway. I'm planning to arrive there around 23.8, spent couple days there with my awesome aunt and uncle and then fly back home on 26.8.

And guess whose school starts 27.8? 

That's everything I have right now. But those are the most important things - I have flight tickets both ways, so now - all I have to do is to make the most of the time between them. Can't wait.

Love,
Ambivalent

Maybe I'll figure it out some day.

I realized today, I really need to change my thoughts about studying. Somehow. Because my thoughts about it are so wrong.

I'm gonna go to school, sit there four years and then I'm gonna go back to my old job. 

Are you serious, I have to do internship during summer? 

I can't work in supermarket on my vacations?

Wait, are you saying that I'm supposed to work on my own field after graduating?

That's insane.

I'm gonna work every day after school. And weekend too. 

Okay, maybe Wednesdays could be free, I need time to go student parties. 

I can't see myself working somewhere else. I like work, I like my boss, I like my co-workers. I love what I do. I enjoy being there. Still I'm going to study something else, even though I don't have any intention to work some other place. For some reason I have a feeling that I have to study, I need some education. After that I'm free to do whatever I want.

And no, I don't want to study economics either, because in my opinion -  it's just stupid. I already work on that field - why should I study more to do the same thing. Isn't that waste of time?

You see my problem with studying? 

For me studying is kind of stupid and insane because I can't see myself getting anything from it. I'm going to study and then hopefully return to full time job in supermarket. Studying for studying. Yea, almost makes sense.

But maybe I'll figure it out while studying.

Love,

Ambivalent

ps. during writing this I have decided to study IT, economics, social services.. And be doctor, goldsmith and bartender. And work onboard.  

Be your own friend and you will never be alone again.

Are you happy with yourself? Do you like your body?

About 90% of women aren't satisfied with themselves (no, that's not a fact, it's just a guess). And it's not only women, I have noticed the same thing with men. It's kind of sad, because it would be much better if everyone could be happy with their appearance and qualities. 

For some reason everyone seem to think that they have to be something different. Thinner, smaller, more muscular, taller, braver, funnier, nicer.. The list is endless.
Who is telling them to be different?

I have heard that I should lose some weight. That I'm fat, my tummy is too big and my feet are enormous. I was told, that if I lose some weight, I will be happier. Some point I started to believe it. So I lost some weight.

I lost over 10 kilos, and it's pretty good for a girl like me. But let me tell you something.

It never made me happier. It only made me feel bad. I loved my boobs, I loved my round and soft tummy. I was happier when I was chubbier. I have never been small girl, I have figures and I love them.

I have always been easily affected by other people. That's why it was so easy to make me lose weight and everything. Luckily I realized that wasn't what I wanted. It was only someone else's desire.

It took time to restore my love towards my body. But right now, I can honestly say, that I love myself. My body isn't perfect, it has some extra, it has stretch marks and it's not as good shape as it could be. But I still love it.

I know I'm not perfect. I don't know how to be in touch with my friends, I get anxious sometimes and disappear. I'm not the friendliest person, I'm selfish and way too sensitive.

But it's okay. Nobody is perfect. I'm happy with myself, and so should everyone else be too.

Love,
Ambivalent

End of era

After six years - I gave up my red hair. I'm not redheaded girl anymore. And that's weird.

Six years is long time. Many things can happen, many things can change. One thing was always the same - my hair. It was part of my identity. I have heard so many pick up-lines about my hair, good and bads. Red hair collects quite much attention. Everyone can find me in the bars - because of my hair. I always talked about myself as redhead.

But now it's time to change. Time to create something new. 

Time to move on.

Love,

Ambivalent

or maybe I go back to red after few months. you never know.