These colors wade to gray.

Time flies, life moves on in periods. I would love to say that life goes in circles, it would mean that you can get back the earlier phase. But it doesn't work like that. Nothing lasts forever and everything changes. You can't go back. And in many ways, that's a relief. 

You can choose where you want to go next. You can choose what do you do with your life.

Lately I have been in quite weird period. I call it the school-period. I can't think anything else than school, I can't do anything if it doesn't have something to do with school. I have spent many weekends just reading and doing homeworks, I have had meetings - but they are kind of school stuff too. I don't know how to do something else. I don't have any intrest to go out dancing, see my friends or anything. Of course it's always nice to see friends, but I don't remember how to be a social. I can't enjoy anything. I just can't remember how to do something else than school stuff. 

Luckily I know this is only one kind of period. Like every other periods, it will pass. This won't last forever. Soon I will be able to change this. 

Maybe in winterbreak I can relax. Few weeks and I'll fly to Oslo for a weekend and then to Spain! Little over week with Red, it'll be awesome. 

Love,

Ambivalent

Cleaning isn't for me, but I take a challenge.

As you know I decided I'm gonna throw everything I don't need away during this year. To make sure I won't forgot to do so, I have started it. 

Everyone who has ever visit my apartment knows how little I care about cleanness. They have seen all the mess, clothes, cat hair , dirt everywhere. I know I should clean more often, but it has been really difficult for me for a long time now. 

I have found a way to explain it to others. It's like my apartment is my head. If my head is fuzzy or messy inside, it means my apartment is messy too. If my head is clear - my apartment is clear too. Those two must be in same level. I'm not sure why, but right now it needs to be like that. 

But I decided to challenge myself. I'm going to clean a little bit everyday for 30 days. It doesn't have to be anything big, something like taking trash out is enough for me. Why I do this? Because I can't throw anything away if my apartment isn't clean before that. 

So now it's official. Now everyone knows about my challenge, so maybe I manage to do it. 

Actually I started yesterday. I wash my clothes and towels, I picked up every trash I had in house - and believe me, there were quite much.. Today I vacuumed and washed the floors. I have a feeling that this is like second or third time I washed floors here. I also begun to go throw my stuff. I had 9 big bags full of everything - now there is only 3 left. Yay me! 

Nothing more today. 

Love,

Ambivalent

I'm such a cliché.

People tend to make promises in New Year's Eve, promise how they will change or what they will do next year. For many years I haven't made any promise, because.. well - it had seemed stupid. Why would I make promises only in the beginning of new year? It's not that different day. 

This year I'm going to be such a cliché. I'm few days late, but I'll make a promise for this year. I won't promise to become better person, or be happier. I won't promise to quit my bad habits like smoking and drinking. I won't promise to stress less, work out more or anything like that. I could make promise to get my head back on track, I could make promise to see my friends more. 

All of those are really good promises and well.. actually I'm trying to do most of them all the time. My promise is kind of boring, but it's okay. It's only for me.

Some of you know that I hate having so much stuff in my apartment. It makes me extremely anxious. Last year could spend hours in my bed, because I didn't know what to do to all those things. I want to get rid of almost everything, but I'm really bad at letting go. 

I don't need most of the these things. I have gathered boxes and bags around my apartment. They are full of stuff that doesn't have any place to go. They are useless, but I can't throw them away. I don't know how to do it. 

But this year I'll learn it. I'll learn how to get rid of things I don't need. I'll finally become free from stuff I don't need. One year might be too short time for learning whole new thinking pattern, but I'll try it. So my promise will be I'll go through all of my stuff and throw away everything I don't need. Deadline is end of this year. 

Love,

Ambivalent

My year 2013

Time goes fast and one year ago I wrote about my year 2012. It had been quite crazy year and last year hasn't been any different. Everything has happened, I have grown up and changed a lot. It has been truly awesome year.

Last year started by my cat getting sick. It wasn't that fun and I had few quite rough months. Luckily he got better. I went to see Fighter to Latvia, spent weekend there and had awesome time. It was so good to see him! Some day I'll go back. Or maybe he will come here too. Visit me instead.

My friendship with Ted started to grow, his bed became my safe place. Place where I go whenever I need it. Before travelling to Iceland, everything went blurry. Days mixed together, I couldn't think of anything. It was the time when my mood swings were quite bad.

Then I travelled to Iceland with Red. We had road trip, we shared something no one will ever understand. We will never be the same. I met Dancing boy and he changed my life, he was the turning point. I can see it quite clear now. After that trip I became life again. I felt so alive, loved everyboby and everything.

"You two are so funny. You seem like lovers and at the same time you are some kind of superfriends."
Still makes me smile.

Next few months were full of mood swings, I was restless, happy, sad, over-joyed, depressed, unable to consentrate on anything.. It was awesome, but heavy time. I also applied to school. And I got in! Before school I went to Interrail. I spent three weeks travelling around Europe, met so many new awesome people. I learnt so much, more than you readers might know. During Interrail I wrote more than  few last months together - but it was my way to experience things. That trip changed me, again.

After that trip and after the beginning of the school - I haven't have time to write that much. There has been so much going on my mind and life, but I haven't be able to share it with you. Last few months has gone by so fast and I don't know what to think about that.

Last year was so awesome, it tought me so much. My friendships with Red and Ted grow bigger, they have been two main character in my year. Also ofcourse my friend from school - the boy who seems so much like Dancing boy.

I hope this year will be at least as awesome as last year.

Love,
Ambivalent