I know where my heart is

10 hours sleep did good for me. I can't remember any dream I saw, but I believe I saw something nice. Because this morning has been so good. Watching Samurai Champloo (damn, I have only 5 episodes left), eating breakfast in the bed. Cuddling with my cats, smiling to the world. Text from a friend you can come here if you want, but I never went - I needed this peaceful morning.

Now I'm going to take a shower and get ready for meeting one guy I met on Friday. I really like meeting new people.

I'll say what I want, and do what I do,

I have my own friends and they hate you too.

You have to give respect to get respect,

Crawling back under yout rock is your best bet.

If you're having fun, don't care what you like,

As long as you're smiling then you've got the game right.

And if you've got something interesting that's worth me listening come say it to me,

Bu if you can't be nice then shut your mouth, I'll drift away and chace my paper dreams,

'Cause I'll never be the person that everyone else want me to be.

Love,

Ambivalent

Alive is all I wanna feel

I fell love with this song. 

Absolutely awesome.

Weekend was nice, new people, chilling and little bit dancing. Headache, medicine and sleeping. Resting, talking and best friends. I have too much energy, too much feeling. 

I was planning today that I should try to get job where I can work on nights. It might suite my daily rhythm better than ordinary job. I would love to do only night shifts. I sleep much better during days than nights, I have so much more energy during nights. I don't know, I have to continue planning this.

Love,

Ambivalent

Driftin' away like a feather in air

"Nothing seems to hold you down."

Hah, I know how to be in one place. Sometimes. For a little while.

"Well, you never seem to be in just one place."

Hearing that from the person who has known me only few months. It's really weird. Do I really seem that restless? Am I really that restless?

I think it's still true. I don't know how to be in one place. If your home is wherever you go, it's hard to stay put. It's like insanity. If you don't have anything holding you down, why should you stay? I have worked so hard to get at this point. I have sacrificed more than anyone knows, and yet I know that I can't take the final leap. 

Because I want everything and nothing.

Oh, btw! 12 days and Latvia. And Fighter. I can't believe I'm really going there. I have missed him really much and I can't wait to see him again. I want to talk with him so badly, see how he's actually doing. See some of his friends (yea, you better introduce me to them!), lie in the bed and talk, see the town, see his school. I'm so excited!

Love,

Ambivalent

Living out our dream

I spin and spin, look up and smile. Everyone next to me is blurry, I close my eyes and no one is there anymore. Hands up and touch the sky. I'm meant to fly. Forget everything around you, just get lost in the music.

Let me love you, and I will love you
until you learn yourself.

I wanna sing to other people, I wanna show my love. I wanna share this happiness inside of me. Last night I was pure happiness. Alone, middle of the dance floor. Avoiding people. I took my glasses away, jumped all over the dance floor. I didn't see anyone's face, they were too blurry for me.

And again, people were asking "are you sure you are sober?" Laughing, laughing and smiling. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to get lost in the sound. Have that stupid smile on my face and just be pure happiness. Not to care about anyone else but me. Maybe this is the reason why I go to clubs all by myself. Sometimes it's nice to do things by myself.

I'm wondering how next summer will go. If I really go to Tomorrowland and Interrail with D.. It will be the first time I spent whole trip with someone for very long time. Red is coming to Iceland with me, but she's there about only half of the time I'll be there. First me and D planned only to go to Tomorrowland together, but now it seems like we are planning to go Interrail together too. From four days to 3-4 weeks. That's quite much. To spent with someone who you don't even know.

And you know how I am. I like doing things alone. But I can't help the feeling, it's nice to think that this time I would have someone who shares the same things with me. 

Love,
Ambivalent

Tomorrow is Mystery.

OMGOMGOMG! Ticketsale to Tomorrowland starts next month!
I thought it would start in April, but apparently not. I can't wait, I have to get those tickets. I have no idea how the hell am I going to afford those, but I know I'll figure something out.
I can't believe this is really happening. It's so close. Now I just need to get those tickets before they are sold out. Hopefully I get those tickets for me and my newest friend.

Next summer. 

Yesterday is History. Today is a Gift. Tomorrow is Mystery. 

And yea, I'm on sick leave. Because of headache. For 5 days. That's something unusual for me. I don't get 5 days sick leave even when I have flu and I feel like dying. But I guess that doctor had his reasons. This sick leave comes to the right time, because now my headache is getting worse - can't do anything.

Back to the bed!

Love,
Ambivalent

Weird people are the most interesting ones

"I have superpowers! I can fly, but only down." 

My friend told me that today and I laughed my ass off. My friends are strange.
But that's only good thing, at least my life is full of surprise. My friends always find a way to do something crazy or say something unexpected. Most of them doesn't think like people usually think. They think out of the box and value different things. I hope they stay that way, because it's awesome.
And I fit in just perfectly, I'm not normal either. Or maybe there isn't such a thing called normal.

One old woman said to me "You are always so cheery, always smiling, always in a good mood. You must sleep really well." I almost started to laugh, but then I realized.. That's kind of true. I sleep less than most of my friends, but I sleep when I'm really sleepy, I don't force myself to the bed too early. I don't wanna turn sleeping into bad thing. I don't sleep much, I don't sleep like people are told to sleep - but I think this is enough for me. I love sleeping.

And I love these peaceful nights.

Because I don't have anything more to tell you today, I share this awesome song.

I wish I could stop cos I'm not joking

I love drinking too much and socially smoking

I don't really want to learn to behave, AMEN

And I, hey, just missed another day again

Love,

Ambivalent

Some nights

Awesome day and awesome night. I have missed these days!

Like I said, I'm not meant to be at home, I get too bored. I need action. I need to see my friends, go out and have fun. I need to see new people, talk to strangers and smile. Last night we went to eat with S and one of our friend. It was nice to see them and talk about everything. The food was amazing, even though it was a little bit too spicy for me. And the dessert - lime sorbette, was really good.

But S and our other friend are getting old, so after they got tired - I continued evening and went partying. Luckily my awesome friend agreed to go dancing with me! He was so surprised when he found out that me and S weren't drinking. The look in his face was something so unbelievable - he was shocked! I guess it was hard to believe that we were sober, since our talk wasn't any different. We are crazy no matter what.

Anyway, we were dancing rest of the night. We were at dance floor the whole night and it didn't matter when everyone else left. Sometimes we were dancing alone, but it was awesome. I smiled, hold on to my woolly hat and laughed. And I know last night was good for him too.

Right now, I just love the world. You should too. ^____^

Love,
Ambivalent

p.s. Maybe kids aren't that bad after all..

photo from here

I wanna carry you

I told yesterday that I have been pushing everyone away and it's true. I have my reasons to do that.

I also said that no one was there for me. Don't feel bad because of that, my friends. You couldn't know how I was feeling, I'm not mad or not even disappointed. I know everyone has their own life to live, everyone has their own problems, so it's understandable when they don't have time for me. And most of my friends live so far away that they really don't have change to be with me, they can't see when I need them. They can't hang with me everyday.

It's funny how the people, who live far, are there for you more than the people, who live almost in your neighbor. 

And no, I'm not saying my friends are bad friends. They are best and I love all of them. They are awesome persons and I can't always show how much I appreciate them. How much good they have done for me. I'm just saying that sometimes I'm lonely.

I know I haven't been a good friend for a while, and I know it's getting worse and worse. I haven't spent time enough with anyone. I should hang with everyone so much more. I can't blame anyone for that they haven't been there for me, because I haven't been there for them. It's my own fault. I have to be  aware of my decisions and I have to take responsibility of them.

I want to be much much better friend, but it's hard. It's hard to be there for anyone, when you don't want to share your own things. Friendship is based on trust and sharing things. If one doesn't share her/his feelings and thoughts, it hard for the other to share them either. It's all about the balance.

I really wish I could be better friend. Now that I have realized this, maybe I can start doing it, change myself to better friend.
And I hope my friends won't leave me even if I'm an asshole sometimes.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.
and don't worry about me, I'm okay. I have always survived, so why not this time.

Love,
Ambivalent

After everything - you are alone.

The hardest part of writing here is that I know my friends read this. Sometimes it's annoying, because well, I was planning to write this anonymously. I wanted a place where I can be honest, where I can find myself.

But I was too social for that, I started to tell my friends about this blog. I wanted people to know my thoughts. I like to share my things, who doesn't.. But at the same time, I don't want people to know anything about me. I want to keep the distance to every person.
And now when my friends know about this blog - I can't write my actual thoughts. My mind is really fucked up, I know that.

I have been in my own little world for so long time now. I keep pushing everyone away, I want to survive alone. It's funny how I still struggle with this same thing. It has been my problem almost all my life and most of my problems is caused by it. I don't ask help very easily, I don't accept help.

Part of me thinks that asking for help is weakness, showing your emotions is weakness. (Btw, this is valid only with me, my friends are completely different thing.) If I tell people what I really feel, I can get hurt. It's easier to pretend that I don't have feelings. At least not the bad ones. I have built those walls around me again and I know I'm going to lose everyone if I continue doing this. But I don't know what else to do. I don't trust anyone. 
I want to help everyone else, but I don't know how to let other people help me.

None of my friends offered their help when I was moving. Everyone knew what I was going through, but no one offered to help me. I asked couple of times, but quite soon I realized no one is going to help me. No one was there for me.
It's not just moving, but other ways too. After I broke up, people asked how I was, and that was awesome. It was really nice to see that someone cares. But that's mainly what everyone did. No one did more, they just asked how I am. No one was there when I really needed a friend. No one took me out to have some fun, no one wanted to spent time with me.

I know it's my own fault, because I'm the one who has been pushing everyone away.

Love,
Ambivalent

Turn around and walk away

Once the stone you're crawling under

is lifted off your shoulders

Once the cloud that's raining over your head disappears

The noise that you'll hear is the crashing down of hollow years

Photo from here.

I guess I'm not meant to be at home. Two weeks without anything to do, I'm bored. 

It feels like everything is falling apart. I need some action! 

I'm too social to live like this, but too antisocial to ask anyone to do anything with me. 

Love,

Amvbivalent

To the vet!

Geez. I went to the vet this morning. Again. Because of the same thing. Luckily, this time I noticed his peeing problems before he started to bleed. Now I have new drugs for him - one of the is Diapam. Seriously, I have to give Diapam to my cat. Weird. But what wouldn't you do to make your love ones to feel good.

My budget screwed up already, because of this vet visit. But no can do, I want my baby to get better and if this is what it takes, I have to accept it. It's only money. I have place to live, cheap rent and job, so I should be able to survive these little setbacks. I just hope I don't have to go there again.

Sometimes I think this would be so much easier if there was someone else to share these costs with me.. But then I realize, I had that person once and he never shared the cost. These are my babies, I pay everything, I have always done that and I will always do. But it's okay, because I really love them. The only bad thing is that I might have to compromise on travelling.

Oh my.. Those Diapams are affecting to him. He looks around like he doesn't recognize anything, he can't control himself. He tried to jump of my bed and his front paws just collapsed under him. But he went to the sandbox, maybe it's really helping him to pee. And hopefully eat too.

Sorry that you have to read only about this, but I can't think anything but this. Let's hope he gets better and I can focus on other things too.

Love,
Ambivalent

The Challenge

RULES

1. Say thanks to the person you gave this challenge to you.

2. Share 8 facts about yourself.

3. Answer to 8 questions the challenger gave you.

4. Create 8 new question

5. Challenge 8 bloggers, who has under 200 readers.

6. Tell bloggers you have challenged them.

Thank you Sonja! I hope it's okay that I translated this to English. ^^

1. Relationship or being single?
Right now - being single.

2. Dream job and are you going towards it or perhaps already doing it?
Psychologist, at least I think. I'm not sure yet.
And no, I'm not doing anything to get there, not yet. I'm not ready for it.

3. Biggest dream (or couple of them)?

Being free. Travel around the world.

4. Favorite song right now

5. What do you like doing on your free time?
Your life is a party if you live for party.
Party, dance and cuddle with my awesome cats. And maybe see my friends, they are awesome too.

6. Favorite movie
Oh my. I don't have any. I like almost every movie I watch. 
Let's go with Scott Pilgrim vs. the world, Project X and Peaceful Warrior.

7. Favorite travelling destination

Never been either of them, but it's my dream. Some day. 

8. What do you wait for the year 2013?
Traveling, Tomorrowland, changing.
I know this year is going to be quite rough to me, but I'm ready for it. I hope.

8 FACTS ABOUT ME.

I think my friends are my family.

I feel really intensively and it causes me troubles sometimes.

I love dancing.

My style has changed really much during years.

I have grown so much during my year off that it's hard to recognize the old me.

I wear double socks. 

Normal and warmer ones. 

But I hate wearing shoes and socks.

I always take them off when it's possible.

I have decided that I won't grow up ever.

New questions:

1. If you could change one thing in your past, would you do it? And what would it be?

2. Have you ever been in love?

3. Your favorite outfit.

4. Who is your best friend? Tell about her/him.

5. Place where you would love to move.

6. Which fairy tale character would you be?

7. Your favorite series. 

8. Why did you start blogging?

I CHOOSE YOU:

Minttu

Cassie

Sofia

Cinique

Martins

Yea, I don't have any other blogs that I follow (who hasn't done this or something like this, or who has under 200 reader.)

And few of these aren't on Blogger, but I think that's okay. I hope. 

Love,

Ambivalent

Nothing for free

Oh, now I feel like home again, more like me again. I made some plans today and it was so awesome. Even though I love living in the moment, I need some plans. I need to know where I'm going and how to get there. Nothing too fancy, but guide lines.

I did my saving budget for this year, or well, until the end of summer. Now I know how much I can spent and how much I have to put on save, and it calms me down. As long as I put those money aside, I can do whatever I want with the rest of the money.

It awesome to know that I can really afford all the things I want. If I save money. If there won't be any surprise costs. I can have Latvia, Iceland, Tomorrowland and Interrail. Everything. And I should still have some money on save after this summer, after everything.

Many people have asked me why I do this right now, why I don't wait until next summer and have more time to save money. Why I have to have everything right now. Why don't you wait for better time? Because there won't be better time.
I'm starting my studies next autumn. It means I won't have time to travel for next three and half year. I won't have money. I have to work every vacation I have. I won't have any free time for three and half year - or at least I have to prepare myself to that. I mean, perhaps I can have vacation at some point, but I have to be ready for studying and working all the time. Maybe it won't be as bad as I'm thinking, but it's better to be ready for no life while studying.

It's so funny to think that I'm going to study, but I can't see myself actually doing that work I'm studying for.

Love,
Ambivalent

Today has been a rough day.

But I managed to survive it. And luckily, so did Robin, one of my cats.

Our morning started by going to the vet and staying there about two hours. It costs me over 400 euros, but it's worth of it. My cats are part of my family, so I would do anything for them. It hurts to see how much pain Robin still has. He doesn't move at all, he just lays at one place. He peed a little bit, which is really good, because he need to pee. I don't wanna take him back to the vet..

And yea, the reason why I took him to the vet is that he peed blood this morning. It basically freaked me out.

Because of this, my ex is coming to see my (our) cats tomorrow. It's possible that Robin dies soon (I hope not..), so he wants to see him just in case. It's weird to have him here, because well, he hasn't seen this apartment after I moved back here. It's gonna be interesting. I'm kinda of happy that my ex wants to see my (our) cats, maybe he really cares about them. Maybe.

Now it's time for bed, I'm not tired, but I have work tomorrow. Again. And I know I'll be tired tomorrow morning.

Love,

Ambivalent

And the next stop will be..

Two days ago I bought tickets. Flight tickets to Riga, Latvia. I can't believe I actually bought those. I have been planning to go there to see Fighter, but the timing has been problem. Now it's for real. I'm going there in February.

OMG. It's next month. Where did all the time go? I remember when I was planning this like.. 2 or 3 months ago. Time flies. It's funny, that I go to Latvia 8th of February and to Iceland 8th of March. Only one month difference. How did this happen?

I have been missing travelling, missing the feeling of waiting for the next trip. This feels like coming home. It feels like some part of me was missing and I just found it again. I think I'm meant to travel. I wouldn't feel this way if I weren't. I'm meant to travel at least for now. My place isn't here.

I feel bad for my cats. They have to be alone so much because of my traveling. Of course my dad takes care of them, but he's allergic. He can't be with them all the time. I have to figure something out, maybe I should teach them to travel with me! I don't know, I won't ever leave them because they are my family. They are my true love.
Damn, I'm going to be crazy cat lady someday.

Anyway. I can't wait to see Fighter. He's awesome and I miss him. I hope I get to see his friends. I don't know has he talked about me to his new friends, but if he has.. I hope they want to see me too. In the other hand, I wouldn't mind to spent all the time with just him. Well, we have time to plan everything. I'm gonna be there until Monday (I go there on Friday), so we have whole weekend to do stuff.

Love,
Ambivalent