I wanna carry you

I told yesterday that I have been pushing everyone away and it's true. I have my reasons to do that.

I also said that no one was there for me. Don't feel bad because of that, my friends. You couldn't know how I was feeling, I'm not mad or not even disappointed. I know everyone has their own life to live, everyone has their own problems, so it's understandable when they don't have time for me. And most of my friends live so far away that they really don't have change to be with me, they can't see when I need them. They can't hang with me everyday.

It's funny how the people, who live far, are there for you more than the people, who live almost in your neighbor. 

And no, I'm not saying my friends are bad friends. They are best and I love all of them. They are awesome persons and I can't always show how much I appreciate them. How much good they have done for me. I'm just saying that sometimes I'm lonely.

I know I haven't been a good friend for a while, and I know it's getting worse and worse. I haven't spent time enough with anyone. I should hang with everyone so much more. I can't blame anyone for that they haven't been there for me, because I haven't been there for them. It's my own fault. I have to be  aware of my decisions and I have to take responsibility of them.

I want to be much much better friend, but it's hard. It's hard to be there for anyone, when you don't want to share your own things. Friendship is based on trust and sharing things. If one doesn't share her/his feelings and thoughts, it hard for the other to share them either. It's all about the balance.

I really wish I could be better friend. Now that I have realized this, maybe I can start doing it, change myself to better friend.
And I hope my friends won't leave me even if I'm an asshole sometimes.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.
and don't worry about me, I'm okay. I have always survived, so why not this time.

Love,
Ambivalent