I'm supposed.

I'm supposed to feel alive. To live the best time of my life. I'm in different country, learning new things, getting to know myself better. And well, it has been really fun and educational. But it comes to its end too early.

If I really want some major change to happen, I need to be abroad longer than 4 months. Maybe the problem is that I was perfectly happy with my life before I left. Okay - not with the studying, but that's details. I was happy most parts. I just need the push, the final move to quit school and take back the life used to be mine.

But other than school. I was living my dream. In one month I'm going back but nothing will be the same. And I can't stop thinking - I am tired of pretending to be normal one. I just want to dance with the rainbow, sit under blankets and laugh with Red. I want to drink too much wine, stay up too long and walk to the work next.

I want to hold her hand, curl up next to her and get high of life. I can't help myself - I just want to live my own life. I want to be free. I want to go crazy because it's the most natural state for me.

Or maybe I'm just bored?

Love,
Ambivalent

I felt alive.

Well, my whole summer just went by. It was rough and awesome at the same. I got Red to live next to me, I saw her almost every day and it was amazing. It felt just right. I was maniac in the beginning of the summer, but I fixed later. I was on sick leave over two weeks because of my mental health and it was the first time ever to be off work for such a reason. It felt so weird.

I have been unable to concentrate on anything, but I have lived more than whole spring. My daily rhythm was messed up, but it felt like life. I never liked the "normal rhythm" where you get up early and go to the bed in time. I'm more night owl - I feel more alive during nights. Sadly it's hardly ever possible.

Soon I'll be going to South Korea. I have been waiting for the trip almost two years, it has been one thing keeping me sane. Now it's actually happening and it couldn't feel better. Next Tuesday I'll be in Seoul in my new apartment and talking with my new roommate. This autumn will be legendary.

Love,
Ambivalent

It's always like the first time.

Travelling is always exciting and the feeling of leaving or going to somewhere is always something special. I have done this many times, but I still get the same feeling, like it's my first time ever. It makes me feel alive and reminds me why I live my life.

Tomorrow morning I'll go to airport, do the same old things and get to the plane and head to Amsterdam. This is my third time in Netherlands, but this time I'll also experience other city - Utrecht. Few months ago I didn't even know there's a city named Utrecht and now I'm going to spent whole week there.

I can't remember when was the last time I travelled alone. In every trip I have had company and I don't complain, it has been nice, but.. It is different to travel alone and sometimes I tend to forget it. I'm sure I'll enjoy the freedom of going to smoking room as many times I want, take the over-prized smoothie to the flight and listen to the music while watching how the clouds changes during the flight.

This time I'll just flight alone and meet the other, still unknown students at the airport. I'll spent whole week in international enviroment and I'm quite sure it'll be stressfull, but still amazing.

I have never needed so many clothes with me, not at least for one week. I travelled whole month with a lot less. I have never packed my vest, jacket for suit nor many dresses with me. It is so weird to have such a formal clothing. Everyone knows I don't usually dress that fancy. Besides the business look I also have my sport clothes with me just because I know I need to go jogging and do some workout. I feel so adult. I feel like a business woman on business trip.

Overall I can't wait to go there. This trip will be different than any other trip before and I have to admit that I'm kind of nervous how the week will go since my last studying trip to Leuven was quite stressfull experience. Leuven was absolutely awesome but being social for whole week and never having a single moment alone was hard, especially when I had quite bad season going back then. It was one of the gloomiest phase for me, but this time my mood has been more joyfull and energetic. I believe I will survive whole week without going nuts. 

So yea, my flight is actually in 8 hours and it might be good time to sleep.

This is going to be awesome.

Love,

Ambivalent

Time slows down.

Do you know those times when everything happens so fast and days feels so long? I have been living in that fantastic bubble over a week now, but it feels much longer time. What can happen in little over one week?

I have been sick.

I have lived with Red. 

I have driven to Kotka and back.

I have finished project report and the whole course.

I have cooked in friend's house without her being home. 

I have driven to Red's place middle of the night. 

I have cooked more than ever before.

I have dreamed about summer.

And the balcony.. 

But most importantly

-

My key collection has grown by one. 

Look at my balls. They are having sex. Those dirty little.. 

All my loved ones are starting to gather up and it feels amazing. Celebration for the First of May is starting tomorrow and I just love this world.

Love,
Ambivalent

and I was empty

So what was the Leuven trip for me? It was meeting new people, getting known to my teachers better, realizing how much I have changed again. I was hanging with few guys from Belgium, France and England. And of course with K. We went out almost every night because we didn't want to miss anything.

Partying in Leuven isn't that different than in Finland, but there's much more student parties and cheaper beer. The normal beer size was 0,2 litres and it cost 1-2euros. Here in Finland normal beer is at least 0,33 litres and usually in bars it's 0,4litres. It costs 2-6euros here, so yeah - it's little bit cheaper in Belgium but not as much as it felt.

At some point I was thinking how is it possible I'm not drunk yet even though I had drank at least 6 beers, but then I realized - since I hate the taste of regular beer, the beers I drank were special flavour beer like cherry and peach. And those beer weren't the normal 4,7%, they were 2,5% or 3,5%. Of course it wasn't the same as back home.

I spent most of the time with other students and at the some point I realized I'm not that into partying like them. The bars were crowded, music was in dutch (oh my, now I understand the exchange students who hate when DJ starts to play Finnish rap on night club..) and I wasn't drunk enough to enjoy it. I know you don't need to be drunk to party, but lately I have been so anxious it has been almost impossible to go out - even when drunk.

One night I ended up having a small panic attack on the streets of Leuven and realized I haven't been out without Ted or Red for a long time. They have been my support in the night and I have got used to having them around me. They have been the ones I can count on and being out without them is like my wings have been ripped off.

I use to be independent, but lately I have become insecure, introverted, anxious. I have started to fear the outside world and it takes so much energy to actually go out and meet people. After the whole week being social and studying, I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep, I wanted to cry, I never ever wanted to leave my apartment again.

But right now, it's all better now and I'm already waiting for my next trip. Next stop: Utrecht, Netherlands. In May I'll be there for one week to innovate. It's gonna be interesting.

Love,
Ambivalent

About Leuven

Everyone knows how much I love travelling and how the passion runs in me. I want to learn about the world and from it, I want to feel everything, I want to see everything. I think that's the reason why I am always seeking projects or opportunities to go abroad. My latest conquest is Leuven, Belgium.

I have mentioned going there, but I haven't written anything specific about the trip. So here it comes.

When my responsible teacher asked me last year if I want to go to Leuven for project week, I said yes without any hesitation. I asked my school friend K to join me and when he was as excited as I was,  the adventure began. I knew this trip will be awesome. Two teachers and two students. 

This was the first time someone else has booked my flights since Sicily and I admit it felt weird. I was travelling with other people, my schedule was planned by someone else and I didn't have the usual freedom I'm used to having. It was step to unknown but I survived it. 

Our Finnish team flew to Brussels on Monday morning and since our teachers had been to Leuven so many times, they had some traditions. We took the train to Leuven and accidentally stayed in first class.. First thing in Leuven was to get beer from the bar next to the station. It was kind of weird, because I haven't actually talked with those teachers that much. I have known them, but I have kept my distance. Now they were buying beer for me and talking how we should party. Teachers and students can be friends, that much I learnt. 

K and I went to drop out luggage to the hostel and soon we were on our way to school. KHLeuven was really big, but nice. Teachers and buddies were nice and everyone was taking such a good care of us. Our project was Big Data: the sky is the limit? and basically we needed to make a website that gathers information as much as possible about someone. It was fun project even though I couldn't do that much since I don't know any Java. 

Anyway, we spent the next three days trying to make the website work and on Friday we presented our final products. Our team didn't win, what a surprise! You can find some tweets about it here. The monsters are mine..

So that's basically what the project week in Leuven was officially. Next time - what it really was for me.

Love,

Ambivalent

Open up the gates of paradise

Once again I found myself curled up in my bed. Haven't showered last two days, only got up for cigarette and maybe food. Too many things to do, but not able to any of them. Looking my messy home only thinking this doesn't feel right, this isn't my home. And trust me, it's not because of the mess.

Once again I doubt my life. I keep explaining myself why I do this, why I started studying, why I don't work so much anymore. I keep telling  I want the degree, I need it to accomplish something later in my life. I think that's why people study, it helps their life, it helps to get closer their dreams.

So I started thinking about what I want. And the only thing I come up was this:

Big commune. Me, Ted and Red. Maybe some other people also. Place where everyone is welcome, where no one is judged. Living room full of gigantic pillows, wide windowsills - wide enough to sit on them. Wall painted as whiteboard, people leaving messages and Red making amazing artwork on it. Own rooms for people who need it, shared rooms if someone wants. Minimalist decor, but I still want the gigantic pillows.

Everyone doing their own thing, no matter what it is. I would be working shift work, usually staying up late and sometimes waking up before anyone else has even got to bed. Now and then I would do some projects like study something. Once a week we would have big dinner - all the people would participate making the food or if Red wanted she could do all the dishes. Everyone living there would be there enjoying time together, but all our friends would be welcome, of course.

People living there might change over the time, but it would be okay. I would probably live abroad for year, maybe two. Someone else might be living in my place in the commune, but I would come back to my home. I would come back to my little commune, which has grown to be my home - not like these houses I have been living. 

I would travel alone. I would travel with Red. I would travel with Ted. 

And I have no idea how studying information technology would ever get me there.

Love,
Ambivalent

New Year.

New year, new beginning. A lot have happened last year. I have been up and down, met new people, lost myself and found something beautiful. I have loved and hated the world. But that's life, it comes and goes. 

My new year started with flu and my head is still little bit fuzzy. But I know I'll survive. This year will be amazing. There's so much going on.

I have my awesome friends. 

I have two amazing people who love me just the way I am. 

And I love them. 

This is a new kind of love for me - accepting, open and trusting. 

It goes to your bones, makes you smile and all you want is to be better person. 

It feels more real than anything before this. 

I'm still part of board of representatives.

I'm head of international tutors in faculty of technology.

I'm part of party committee.

I still have my cats.

Next stops: Leuven. South Korea. 

Love,

Ambivalent