You can't hold me down

Too many new people, I don't have time to get to know anyone. I smile to everyone, let them in my life. But never too close. You can tell me how different I am, how unique I am, but I know that's not true. I'm like everyone else. You can tell me how much you like me, how I have changed your world. How much you want me. But it's no use. I'm still leaving.

I know I'm going to hurt someone. Sooner or later, it'll happen. And somehow, I'm too selfish to care. I can't make everyone happy without making myself unhappy. I have to concentrate on me, I have to be selfish for a while.
I might be an asshole, maybe even douchebag. But I know that's the only way for me right now. And it's not going to last forever.

I know what you want to hear and see. I know what you like. How to make you go crazy, how to make you want me. I know how to get what I want. And I'll get what I want. I'll just take it and after it I'll vanish and leave you behind.

You will never understand how much I want to be free. You will never understand how much you mean to me. And I won't ever be able to explain reasons behind my acts.

Love,
Ambivalent

ps. Remember when I told you I want to be like you? That I want to live in the moment, that I want to be free. I'm getting there and it's freaking me out.  

And everything goes round and round and round..

UV-lights, UV-paints, good music, energy drink based punch, new people, summer plans, dancing and loving. 

I love how awesome parties Red can host! Yesterday there was her and her boyfriend's housewarming party and it was awesome, just awesome. Too bad I couldn't get any good pictures from that night..

I finally met the guy who Red have been talking about. I'm supposed to go to Tomorrowland with him next summer. With guy I just met. I hope he wasn't joking about going there with me, because it would be so awesome to go there. He could be the perfect company to go there! There's one problem left.. We don't have tickets, but I'm trying to get them. I really want to go there.

And now I know why Red was so sure we will get along.

Love,
Ambivalent

My year 2012

Do you know that feeling, when you look at our past life and realize you have changed so much that you can't recognize yourself anymore? This happened to me this year. I hardly know the person I was in the beginning of this year. This year changed me. And I hope it's good thing.

I traveled quite much. I was part of EFI-project and traveled to Sicily because of it. No one understands how much that short trip changed all of us. All of us who gave it a chance to change things. In so short time I grew up so much, I got known to myself so much better. I forgot one piece of my heart there.

Then I went to Iceland to see M. That trip totally changed my life. While I was there, I remembered how happy I can be, how much love there is inside of me. How much I really love life. And like first time of my life, I knew exactly what I want. It was so awesome feeling. Iceland showed me where I should go.

In October I went to Norway and I loved it. It wasn't as life changing experience as the other trips were, but that's natural. I went there to see my aunt and uncle, and luckily I saw my cousin at the same time. It was really short visit, but I liked it. Oslo is really beautiful town and I'm going back there as soon as possible.

Of course my year wasn't only about traveling. My cats got babies in the end of April, so I became granny for four little kittens. They were so awesome and extremely cute, even though they were sometimes pain in the ass. But I loved them and I'm planning to go see all of them next year. I can't wait to see how much they have grown.

Then there was the most changing thing - my break up. I couldn't be happier that it happened. I feel more like myself again, I never realized how badly I had lost myself in that relationship. I know - I'm still lost, but it doesn't feel as bad as it used to feel. Of course I loved my ex, but I'm much happier without him. I feel more alive! And I hope I have learnt something, I don't want to give up my things because I'm dating someone. I don't want to get lost again.

I'm changing so fast that I'm not sure who am I. I'm getting lost inside myself, but it's okay. I know I will find myself someday. Maybe I need to get lost, before I can find anything. The journey matters, not the destination.

Love,
Ambivalent

Only this moment counts.

I have missed these nights. Talking, dancing, laughing, staying up all night. Not drinking but still having fun. Listening random guy to tell me about his problems. Weird compliments, a little bit restlessness. Sleeping two hours and waking up happy. Smile to the world and it will smile back.

There are something happening all the time. There are no ordinary moments.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that there are no normal days, there are unique. Sometimes they are grey, sometimes full of different colors. Just keep learning to love life whatever it brings to you. Open your eyes, open your mind.

Even if none of your friends answers to your call, if you miss your buss, if you lose your buss card. Even if you stand in the rain waiting for buss just to realize it won't come. Even if your feet are full of vesicles and it hurts to walk.
Ignore the bad things and focus on the good things. There are always days when everything goes wrong, but it's your attitude that counts. Shit happens, you can't do anything to it anymore. Just forget it and move on. Keep smiling.

I wouldn't say that my life is perfect. It isn't. I have my own problems, I'm lost and I don't know where to go. But it's okay. I'm enjoying the ride. Most of the time. I'm trying to learn to love life no matter what happens. And I am happy right now.

I love the way how random people like me. It's easy to make people like me, but hard to keep them liking me. 

Love,
Ambivalent

It's Christmas time!

I'm not a big fan of Christmas, it has lost its meaning. But it's nice to have few days off. And for me, Christmas is the time of the year, when I can give gifts without anyone asking "why, why are you giving me this?" People aren't used to get presents and well, I like giving presents. This is the only time of the year when its acceptable. Even though.. Sometimes I do it anyway, even if it usually makes people uncomfortable.

I have been so busy lately. I haven't had time to write anything. I have been jumping around and trying to keep myself together. Days are going way too fast, and they blend together. I don't know what happened first, what last. What was the order of the days?
But it's okay not to know. I like this anyway.

I realized today, that I have lost my ability to relax. I haven't done anything today and I feel BAD because of it. I have never felt bad because of doing nothing. But it feels so wrong to stay inside all day, watch tv and just eat everything. I feel like.. I have to do something. Go somewhere. See someone. Be more creative.

Nahh, I want to enjoy this lazyness! I want to be able to enjoy this without guilty conscience.

You'r such a good friend, I have to break your heart.
Tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart
Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart 

Love,
Ambivalent

The good ones always leave first.

I can't believe it. My best friend called me this morning 7 o'clock and said "I thought you might want to know. He's dead." I couldn't believe it. Still can't. I'm shocked.

We didn't talk to each other in many years, our friend groups changed during the time and we somehow stopped spending time together, in the same group. But it still hurts. Why? Why did you do it? What hurt you so much?

You were always so happy, everyone's friend. I'll always remember you smiling to everyone. Helping and cheering everyone. I guess you forgot to ask help for yourself. You never told anyone, not even your closest friends or at least that I heard. Maybe you didn't believe no one could help you, you were saying goodbyes to everyone even though no one realized that.

I should have learnt already that the quiet ones are the ones who actually do something. They don't let anyone know about their plans, not a slightest hint. They keep everything inside and surprise everyone in the end. You weren't the first one. I have seen these too many.

That's why I'm happy when my friends talk about their problems, if they tell me they are not okay. It tells me there's hope. There's at least something to keep them in this world, some hope about the brighter future. But of course, I don't want my friends to suffer in any way.. 

I wish I could have said goodbye to you. Party with you once more. Talk with you, ask how are you. How you have been these last years. How did your life turn out. We knew each others when we were teenagers and we both survived that time, what happened after that. It takes time to get used to the thought I'll never get change to do any of that.

But I'm glad when I see your friends changing their profile pictures for you. Many people show their respect to you. I have been crying almost all day and I know I'm not the only one. All of your friends miss you.

Rest in peace. 

Love,

Ambivalent.

Free your mind

When you feel like moving on

just stay strong, cause tomorrow is another day

Love,

Ambivalent

Tomorrow is another day

Is it okay if I don't know where to go? Is it okay if I don't know where I want to go?
I don't have anything I really want right now, I don't know where I should go. I don't have any goals. I'm not sure do I like it or not. I don't have any purpose. I'm just floating around, doing things that doesn't matter. Doing things that doesn't get me anywhere.

That's why I'm lost. I'm lost in my own paradise. I love my world, my own little world. I love my life, it's really awesome. Partying, dancing, not caring about anything. Smiling, laughing, feeling good. I'm so happy but also so lost.

I need the way where to go. I need something, something to seize on. Everyone knows I love making plans and I do that really often. I plan my future, my life. It helps me keep myself together. But I haven't done any plans for long time now. It has been about two months. Two months without making plans.. It's messing with my head.

Of course I would make some plans if I knew what to plan. I don't know what to plan. I usually plan things, because I want to get something, I want to do something. Now I don't have anything.
Everything is awesome and scary at the same. Lovely and distressing. I love everything and everyone, I feel so good. Most of the time. The better I feel, the worse I feel. It's really exhausting. I'm tired of these mood swings!

I'm so glad Red is coming here next Monday. Maybe she makes some sense into my mind. Just by being near to me, talking with me. Walking with me. 

Love,
Ambivalent

Rest your head now little girl

Sometimes it's so funny to be mean. 

Some guys don't understand that they are not nice persons, that they aren't that good-looking, that not everyone wants to have sex with them. I believe it's good that someone brings them back to earth. This time it was me. I don't need assholes in my life and neither does anyone of my friends. 

Feel the beat, dance until your feet hurt. Don't care what happens around you. Just focus on that good feeling. Don't care. Enjoy. Smile. Close your eyes, forget the others. Enjoy.

I opened my eyes and saw new people. I smiled to them and continued dancing. I opened my eyes and those people had changed. They weren't same anymore. I continued dancing, got lost in the beat. Opened my eyes, there was different people again. Looked for S, found her. Good, she's alive. Maybe some water would be good. And back to the dance floor.

 I think we have been out little bit too much lately. I have started to recognize random people on the dance floor. People I have never seen anywhere else but in the bar. I remember that I have danced with them, they don't always remember me, but I remember them. I don't know their names or anything else, but I know how they dance. And it's enough for me.

Last time this happened when I was 18 years old. Back then I almost lived in the bars, so I knew everyone there. It's interesting to experience that all over again. Why is this place so small?

Love,

Ambivalent

I just wanted to be happy.

You have too much feeling in your heart

Your words made me blush.

Last Wednesday I heard one of the best compliment ever. One of my new friends told me that "oh, you are secretly little nerd!" I smiled and I can't stop smiling if I think about that. It made my day. It made my week.

I started to think about it. Lately, I have been feeling little bit nerdy, because it seems I know more about computers and internet than most of my friends. I don't know much, but I'm willing to learn. Actually, I want to learn more.

But at least I know how to change your privacy setting in Facebook. Or how to share your smartphone's internet to your laptop. I know how to find information (seriously, sometimes that seems to be problem to someones..), I know the basics how to take care of my baby. And I'm not afraid of asking help if I can't solve some problem.

Anyway, I have been little bit sick last few days. I have fever, not much, but enough to make me go crazy. But neither enough to make me skip the work. I have been working, but I can't remember everything.. I mean, there are few hours I can't remember. It's kind of freaky.

Three days to go and then I have two days off!

Love,
Ambivalent

Your life is a party.

Oh my god. I think this is getting out of my hands. I have used way too much money, I have been way too drunk. But I have been enjoying my life. I love everything I have done lately, but I really have to start saving money again. Because I'm going to Latvia in February and to Iceland in March. I need money there.
And maybe I should save money for summer. Maybe.

Last weekend was awesome. Funeral themed party for Red's boyfriend, who turned 30. Balloons, awesome cakes, cider, karaoke, dancing, three random DJ's. Having a speech dressed as nun. Bath with Red and her boyfriend. Staying up until 8.30 am, running in the hallway.  Restless, so restless.

Wednesday.. S's birthday Cocktail party, too much alcohol, too many guys in one party. I drank way too much and I can't remember anything from bar. Except that my friend draw my eye brows in the toilet. And it wasn't such a good idea. Never do that. I acted like teenager whole night and I picked the worst company to that. There were so many good friends of my ex. I knew it's not a good idea to drink with them. Especially if they start to talk about him. No, not good.

I have had fun, but I have a feeling I have done something really stupid. I might destroyed few new acquaintance by acting like a moron. I hope they understand that I don't usually act like that. But well, people have told me to go wild.. Now I did that.

Love,
Ambivalent

I am no mother, and I won't be one.

I had terrible nightmare few nights ago. In that dream I had baby. Newborn. She was really cute, really small and I was scared that I'll accidentally break her. Having that child made me so uneasy, I wanted to get rid of her. I forgot her many times in different places and for some reason I got worried every time I lost her. I knew she wouldn't survive on her own.

I don't like kids. Actually, I'm little bit afraid of children. They are manipulative, mean, little creatures. I can't see myself as mother. If someone talks about kids, I get uncomfortable. I don't wanna have kids, at least not now. I can't stand the idea becoming a mother someday.

But some reason I keep telling myself that I'll grow up and get over this phase. That someday I'll be ready to have my own child and love him/her more than anything. I'm not sure why I do that. Maybe it's because every time I tell somebody that I don't wanna have kids, they say "you will want them someday". Everyone seems to be so sure about that.

I don't wanna be so selfish that I would create new child in this world. I can't find any good reason to have own kids, when there's many kids without families around the world. I rather adopt than have my own child. Actually I think I couldn't love something that comes from me. 

This might be immature way of thinking, and it probably goes away someday. I probably end up having my own biological children, because that's something people tend to do. But what if this never goes away? What if I just don't want to have kids. If this is not just a phase. It's hard to admit that I might be a person who never wants kids.

We will see that.

Love,

Ambivalent