I am no mother, and I won't be one.

I had terrible nightmare few nights ago. In that dream I had baby. Newborn. She was really cute, really small and I was scared that I'll accidentally break her. Having that child made me so uneasy, I wanted to get rid of her. I forgot her many times in different places and for some reason I got worried every time I lost her. I knew she wouldn't survive on her own.

I don't like kids. Actually, I'm little bit afraid of children. They are manipulative, mean, little creatures. I can't see myself as mother. If someone talks about kids, I get uncomfortable. I don't wanna have kids, at least not now. I can't stand the idea becoming a mother someday.

But some reason I keep telling myself that I'll grow up and get over this phase. That someday I'll be ready to have my own child and love him/her more than anything. I'm not sure why I do that. Maybe it's because every time I tell somebody that I don't wanna have kids, they say "you will want them someday". Everyone seems to be so sure about that.

I don't wanna be so selfish that I would create new child in this world. I can't find any good reason to have own kids, when there's many kids without families around the world. I rather adopt than have my own child. Actually I think I couldn't love something that comes from me. 

This might be immature way of thinking, and it probably goes away someday. I probably end up having my own biological children, because that's something people tend to do. But what if this never goes away? What if I just don't want to have kids. If this is not just a phase. It's hard to admit that I might be a person who never wants kids.

We will see that.

Love,

Ambivalent