You have no idea how much I know

I love my job. I work in grocery store, mainly in cash desk and meat counter. It's always funny when our customers ask "Is that good?" and all I can say is "I have no idea, I'm vegetarian." They always look me like I'm crazy. These days most of our customers are regulars so almost everyone knows that I'm vegetarian.

But yea, my job is awesome. It was so nice to start working after my vacation. My co-workers are amazing, we talk about everything and many of us meet each others outside of work too. And my boss.. She is the best. I have never had so awesome boss before this. She carries her responsibility, but still she have time to listen everyone. She always listens us when she makes our shifts. I think I couldn't ever have better boss.

And I really like our regulars. They always start to talk with me and sometimes I think they don't realize how much we know about them.
I have been watching one guy having a girlfriend, then they broke up and oh man, that guy didn't smile at least two months. It was so sad. But then he got a little bit better. Now he's planning to move to Netherlands and start over. He doesn't have anything here anymore.
I know that when one woman comes to our store, she always tries to find me. Her husband died last year and I was her husband's favorite girl in that store. He always talked about me and always chose my desk if I was working. Now that woman comes to our store and always starts to talk to me. I think she feels like her husband is near when she sees me. Actually, she told me that.
I have also seen how two people meet each other. How they start to date, those little smiles. How they move together and have shared debit card. How they always come to store together.

I know so much about our regulars and they don't know anything about me. Except my name and that I work there. They don't know my life, they don't know am I happy or sad. And they don't care. It's not their business. Even if they don't care, I care about them.

Love,
Ambivalent

That's what you get

Now I can't trust myself

with anything but this

And that's what you get

when you let your heart win

About beliefs

I realized today that I have been heading in the wrong way more than 4 years now. I gave up on my beliefs, it felt so wrong to be only one who believed like I did. I was so interested in spiritual things, I wanted to know everything. I knew many things back then. I experienced too many things and I don't know which ones were true and which ones only in my mind. Everything has gone blurred.

I don't regret my decisions, because I know I wasn't ready back then. My mind couldn't handle those things. I was so young and pure, I was so naive. Actually I miss those times, because it felt so right. I was so scared. I had nightmares, I couldn't sleep alone. I saw things no one else did. I felt things. I experienced things I wasn't ready for.

For example - have you heard about astral projection? It's also known as Out of Body experience.
I have experienced that many times, against my own will. Usually people say it feels really good and I believe that. But I was so young. I panic. I didn't know what it was, I just saw myself lying in the bed and I couldn't move myself. I couldn't wake myself up. Even though I wasn't sleeping. I wish I had enjoyed that feeling. I mean, it felt so good to be without body, but I couldn't enjoy it, because I was always so sure that I can't return. I also thought that I was crazy.

I learnt quite soon that I shouldn't be talking about spiritual things. Most of the people don't  understand those things and usually they think I'm crazy. Insane. I care too much what other people are thinking about me, so I left so thing behind. I blocked my mind, got medicine and help. I forgot those things so many years.

But now I know that I shouldn't have done that. I started to search information and think more. Oh my, that feeling! Many things made sense again and I got that peaceful feeling inside of me. It felt so right. I hope that I can trust my feelings. I hope I'm ready this time. Because there must be a reason why I keep running into these things. I don't want to give up again.

Even though I don't have anyone to talk about this. I'm too shy to talk about my beliefs. I still believe that someone will say "you're wrong, you can't believe that". And damn, I'm too sensitive. Everyone tells me that I have to defend my beliefs and thoughts, but it's really hard if I'm not sure what I believe. I want to make my mind before I tell anyone. That's why I don't usually tell anyone what I think.

Love,
Ambivalent

"..But lonely is the soul without a mate."

I believe that I have met my soul mate. Of course, I can't be sure about that, but it feels like that. Maybe this soul mate won't be in my life all the time, but I know he'll be there as long as need him. Or maybe this soul mate will be there my whole life. Who knows.

I want to grow, but I don't know how do that. With him I know that. He shows me my path. It's not like he's telling me what to do, it's more like he teaches me. He shows me things I have forgotten, things I didn't know. I have come so long way to be here, but I don't know how to make any progress anymore. I really believe that he can show me where I should go. I also know that I will regret my whole life if I don't go and experience this.

But at the same time this is so scary. It's really scary to take that leap in the dark and trust - my wings are strong enough, life will always carry me. There's so many risks in this. I'm not sure should I give my whole life just because I really want to experience this. I know, if I do this, I can't go back to yesterday anymore. My whole life would change.
It's really hard to take that risk.

Being with him makes me feel so good. His voice calms me down. He always knows what I'm thinking and I usually know what he's thinking. I'm not sure does he know that, because I don't usually bring that up. When we are talking and either one of us doesn't remember some word, the other one already knows what word the other one is looking for. Everything between us is so easy. It feels like everything is just clicking in their right places. He makes me feel complete, comfortable and safe.

He does so much good for me, but that's not all. I know, I'm good for him too. He has so many things to learn from me, and I know I can show those things to him. Together we could achieve so many things, we just need a change to do that.
I'm not sure does he feel the same way. Maybe he thinks that I'm crazy, maybe he doesn't feel like I do. Maybe we are not soul mates after all. But still I have that feeling inside me, it tells me not to give up. I can't let him go.

Funny thing is that, when we first met.. I instantly told my friends, I have met my soul mate. I knew it right away. I had that feeling inside me, I knew there's something special with him. Our meeting was so unbelievable. I mean, everything is connected. There's so many things which made our meeting possible. If one of those things would have gone differently, we would probably never meet each other.
I believe there's a reason why everything has happened. I don't know that reason, but it's okay. I don't have to know that reason. I'll find that out later.

"A soul mate is the one person whose love is powerful enough to motivate you to meet your soul, to do the emotional work of self-discovery, of awakening."
Kenny Loggings

Love,
Ambivalent

There's darkness inside everyone.

There's always those days, when nothing feels good. When everything seems to be black. When that sadness inside of me raises its head and makes everything so hard. It wipes my smile off and doesn't go anywhere before it has had everything it needs.

My friends have told me that I have to listen happy music, think about happy things and force myself to be happy. That I can't give up to that darkness. No one understand that I have to feel those feelings, I have to go through my sadness. If I don't do that, it won't end up nicely. Everything will gather inside me and then it's really hard to feel happy anymore. And I want to be happy. Who doesn't want to be happy?

I have tried to force myself to be happy. It doesn't work. I tried to listen happy songs, but they don't sound good if I'm sad. They make me even sadder. I tried to think happy things, but they always changed to bad things. I think I can't change my mood like someone else. I can't force myself.

But I try to look happy. I use to be really good at that. Nowadays it's not that easy. I don't want to hide it anymore. It takes too much energy. I don't want to spent my energy to that anymore. I did that so many years and I don't wanna go back. I want to keep on moving.

The worst thing is that I have missed this sadness. I have missed this darkness. I kinda miss that time, when there wasn't anything good. When I didn't get up, when I couldn't go to school. I miss those days when I was crying in my room, hyperventilating and I couldn't move for hours.
I still remember how that felt. It was terrible feeling, but at the same time it was so nice. Somehow I knew I'll feel better someday. I had hope. And I was so good at writing. I wrote so many stories and almost all of them had the same theme. Something bad happened, but in the end there was always hope. I never lost my hope.

But I never had any reason to be sad. I shouldn't have felt bad. And especially right now I don't have any reason to be sad. My life is quite perfect. Everything is okay in my world. Still there's something missing. Sometimes it feels like I'm knowing what is missing, but I don't want to admit that. I can't.

There's one really good thing in sadness. I can write again. I haven't written many years, because I don't know what to write if I'm happy. I need my darkness to create something. I can't wait to start writing again. I know, I'll feel much better tomorrow. It's really good, but at the same time I don't want to that happen. I want to be in my own world.

Love,
Ambivalent

Planning next trip!

I have already started to plan my next trip. My next trip will be to Norway. My aunt lives there with her husband. They live in Oslo, so it would be easy to go there. I have been talking about going there like year already, but I don't find time to go there. Yea, sounds really believable. I have been in Amsterdam, Sicily and Iceland in one year. Why is it so damn hard to go there and meet my lovable relatives? I don't have many relatives and I like only few of them. My aunt and her husband are one of those who I like.

Now I have to pick a day when I'm going to go there. Then I have to buy flight tickets. And ask three days free from work. I hope that's possible. I need to work as much as possible now. I realized that I have so many things I want, that I have to start saving right now. I'm planning to save almost everything I get.
If I want something, I have to make sacrifices. I have to prioritize my goals and start work for them. I'm really bad at making sacrifices, I want everything and I want it now. But I know, it's not possible.

After Norway I want to go to Latvia. My friend lives there and promised him, I would come there after my Iceland trip. I'm planning to spent one weekend there. It would be nice to see him, I haven't seen him for long time now. But I don't have money right now, so I have work before that. I think I'll take all possible shifts and just collect money as much as possible.

But there's one other idea too. I'll tell you about it later, if that's going to happen. I have to make my mind before that.

Love,
Ambivalent

Photos from Iceland

I decided to let you see something really beautiful. Here's couple photos from Iceland. I have almost 600 photos from there, but I won't add all of them. I just wanted you to know, how beautiful place Iceland really is. Enjoy!

 Who would make a whole pig when there's a free fish all over the town? Asians..

Everything was so bright and colorful

 Night view over Akureyri

Akureyri must be city of love, even their traffic lights have hearts!

I just want my dreams to come true.

It's so strange to be home. I got use to having people around me, I got use to talking English, living without worries. I don't want to be home, I don't want to live in this reality.

My dad told me about his client, who travels a lot. His client works about three months and then he goes to abroad for three months. That sounds so awesome! I would love to live like that. That would mean that I don't have to in one place for long time. But still I would have place to go and where to have my things. 

There's few problems in that plan. I can't be with someone if I live like that. Okay, I can, but it's really hard. I just need to find a person who wants to travel and go with me. Someone who doesn't want to be in just one place. And I have a feeling that my boyfriend doesn't want to live like that. 

He loves our home town. He doesn't want to move anywhere, not even to our capital. I'm going to study in our capital and he has many problems with that. His life is here. He has built his entire life in this town and it's really hard to move somewhere else. 

In the beginning of this summer he said that he could move to capital just because of me. That was first time ever when he said anything like that. But I don't want him to move there just because of me. I want him to move there because he also wants that. 

So I can solve that first problem. That would be easy. But the next problem is different thing. 

I need a job where I can work only short times. And I want to be psychologist. There's a problem. How can I be psychologist if I can't commit to be around whole year. I have to commit to my job, I can't ditch my patients. I know that I need to be ready to commit to them for many years. 

Okay, I can solve this problem too. I just need to study something else. I just don't know what. I have many other options like working in economy. I could keep working in the store, I could work in social services, I could work with animals. But I have always wanted to be psychologist. I have been trying to find something else, but every time I end up to psychology. It's hard to give up my life-long dream. I want to find a way to have all my dreams. It's still possible, I'm not that old.

I love making plans. I love to plan my life. It doesn't matter are those plans ever coming true, but I need those plans. I have to know where I'm going.  If I don't know what I'm going to with my life, I can't do anything. Someone would say that I don't know how to live in the moment, but for me it's not that. I love to live in the moment, but at the same time I need a way where I'm heading. I can't enjoy this day if I don't know where I'm going to be next day. 

Nahh, I have to go now. 

Love,

Ambivalent

These aren't goodbyes.

I'm back home again. Iceland was amazing and I want to go back so badly. It's nice to be home, see my cats and boyfriend, but my heart is in Iceland now. I'm waiting for it to come back. Hopefully it comes back soon. Or at least most of it..

My trip was so awesome. I can't even describe how much I loved that place. I know that most of my trip was partying, but I knew it before I went there so it wasn't a surprise. It was nice to see how Icelandic people drink and party. Everyone was so happy while partying and I didn't see any drama or crying. This may sound bad, but I'm used to seeing people crying and fighting when they are drunk. You can't spent one night without any problems here.
But in Iceland it's possible. Maybe I just picked perfect company to party.

I don't know what to tell about my trip. I'm almost speechless. My friends have been asking how my trip was, but I can't answer. I want to tell them everything, I want them to know how everyone looked at me, how they made fun of me in the good way, how they made me feel so good. How I stole a glass from the bar, how M tried his best to make me happy. How I stole the good weather when I left. Akureyri is sad because I left.

I want to tell everyone what that trip meant to me. I can't remember when was the last time I felt so good. I realized that I want to change many things in my life. I experienced so many things, I can't go back to my old life.
The most important thing that I learned was to trust my own feelings. It felt so good to know exactly what I want. I knew what I wanted and I also said it. The best thing was when no one said no to me. I'm so grateful to M, that he listened and encouraged me to do what I really wanted. That's why I walked on grass without shoes or socks, I danced without caring about anything. I walked many hours without stopping, I spent money on stupid things. I was free for a moment. I wish I could feel that way more often.

So M, if you're reading this - thanks for being so wonderful. I don't how did you do it, but you made everything so easy. You didn't force me to choose, but you knew exactly when I wanted something. And you agreed to everything. Many people have tried to do what you actually managed to do. You were first one who did it. Thank you.

Love,
Ambivalent

Fish, fish everywhere..

Fishdays. It was so awesome. Camping, drinking and chilling.

 "I like the way you drink!" First night was all about drinking and dancing. I spent almost whole time in the dance floor with M. He is so awesome dancer. It's funny that I can't watch him dancing if I'm dancing at the same time. I would love to watch him, because hey - he's fucking awesome. But I dance my eyes closed. I can't concentrate on dancing if my eyes are open. Odd, but maybe some day I can do that.

I think I slept like two hours or something in first night. That meant I was sleepy almost whole day. But it was worth of it. In fishdays there are free fish everywhere. Everything is free. I recommend everyone to go and experience that. I tasted fish soup, fish burgers, some grilled Icelandic fish and of course I had ice cream for dessert (that wasn't made of fish, just you to know).
At one point we went to see M's relatives. And they were cooking a whole pig. And inside of that pig there was three chickens. Seriously, who makes a whole pig when there's free fish around the town. I wanted to see how they cook that thing, even though it was really hard. I'm a vegetarian and I almost fainted and threw up. Only almost.

Later that day we met E. She was so awesome. She and M have been friends little longer than six months, but they really seemed to have fun together. We spent whole night together, just me, M and E. We tried to go dancing, but my body was so tired that it was almost impossible. I was glad that M and E agreed to go walking instead of dancing.
We walked almost 6 hours. At some point we found one really good place to sit. It was big grass field and no one else was there. It was close enough to hear music and party going on, but far enough to talk and just enjoy the night. It was the perfect spot for us. Only us three sitting there and talking about everything. I think I told my deepest feelings to those two. And it felt good.
Usually if I told someone about myself and things inside of my head, I feel really insecure. If someone knows my weak points, I'm vulnerable. I always get that feeling it was mistake to talk about things. But not this time. This time it felt so safe. They didn't laugh, they didn't make fun of me. They just accepted me as I'm. I have missed that feeling.

Anyway, whole weekend was awesome. I really love Iceland.

Love,
Ambivalent

You must love this place

I love Iceland. Akureyri is so beautiful. Houses are brightly colored, streets are curvy (I'm not sure is "curvy" the right word, but it doesn't matter). People are really nice. I'm not sure are they friendly to me just because M is my friend. 

We have been partying three days and I have bought like only one drink by myself. Every time I try to buy drink, someone comes  and says " Hey, let me buy you a shot!" It's nice, but also fucking annoying. I have money to buy my own drinks, I don't need someone else to buy anything for me. Don't get me wrong, I like being treated like a lady, it's always nice to get some attention. But I'm not use to that someone buys me things. It feels so weird. Especially when that someone is a guy. 

If guy buys me a drink or food or anything, I can't be sure why he does it. Is it because he wanted to or just because I'm a woman. I know, I should be enjoying. I shouldn't be wondering about something like that, but I can't help it. It feels kinda wrong to get things free. I'm weirdo. 

Anyway. These four days have been awesome. I have met so many new people and everyone of them have been so nice to me. Only problem is that I don't know how to speak English. Okay, I know how to speak English, but I'm too shy to speak. I can't even pronounce basic stuff, and it sucks. There's so many things I want to tell these people, but I can't. I don't have words to do that. I just keep smiling and in my head I tell them everything I want. I have had so many conversations in my head in these four days. 

Tomorrow M is going to work and after work his parents are coming to see me. That's so weird! But I can't wait that I can spent 8 hours on my own. I might go to town and just get lost. 

Love,

Ambivalent

Today is finally happening

OMG! Am I really doing this? 4 and half hours and I'll be on my way to Iceland. I can't believe this.

I'm so excited. And little bit scared too. Not because I'm going there alone. I have traveled alone before, but this is the first time there's someone waiting for me. And that freaks me out. It's so easy to go somewhere, where no one knows you. Now there's M and his friends. I have known him since March and we have talked mostly in Skype. We spent one week together, but it's different. Sicily was new place for both of us. This time we are in his place.

I'm not afraid that something would happen to me, I know I survive many things. The thing I'm afraid of is that what if they don't like me. What if M doesn't like my anymore. What if we don't get along so well anymore. It really freaks me out.
I know he has talked about me to his friend. So they know something about me and I don't have any idea what. I hope they won't disappoint at me.

But now I have to go.

Love,
Ambivalent

"You just don't know how to stay in one place, do you?"

Two nights and I'll be in the plane thinking.. I'm really going to Iceland. I really ignored everyone who disagreed with me and did what I want. I'm kinda surprised about that.
I'm almost healthy again, maybe still some cough, but I'm getting better. I'll be okay on Friday and nothing will stop me then.

One of my friend said me yesterday: "You just don't know how to stay in one place, do you?" And damn, it felt good. He put my feelings into words so easily and made me realize that maybe it's okay. Maybe it's okay if I don't know where I belong. Or maybe I don't belong anywhere. I belong everywhere. 

All my life I have always wanted to go somewhere. Away from my home. First it was city near by, then it was capital. And now it's abroad. I don't feel like home here. I have never felt like home. 

When I was about 12 years old, I started to travel our capital. My best friend lived there (and still lives), so it was easy for me go there. I spent almost every weekend there. Every summer, every New Year, every vacation. Damn, I was there every time I had chance.

Back then it was the place where I felt like home. My heart was there. I just loved to travel there, because every time when I was sitting in the train and arriving to the capital, I felt good. I felt so peaceful, like nothing can hurt me. It was the place where I belonged. 

But more than two years ago I met my current boyfriend. I got my reason to stay here. First time of my life I had something here to fight for, something that made me stay here instead going to the capital. It was strange. I can't believe I have stayed here so long. I still want to move away or at least travel a lot.

I believe home is where your heart is. I think my heart has many pieces and they all are in different places. Maybe that's why it's so hard to stay in one place. I want to experience the world, I wanna lose my heart all new places, I wanna find my place. 

Love,

Ambivalent