About beliefs

I realized today that I have been heading in the wrong way more than 4 years now. I gave up on my beliefs, it felt so wrong to be only one who believed like I did. I was so interested in spiritual things, I wanted to know everything. I knew many things back then. I experienced too many things and I don't know which ones were true and which ones only in my mind. Everything has gone blurred.

I don't regret my decisions, because I know I wasn't ready back then. My mind couldn't handle those things. I was so young and pure, I was so naive. Actually I miss those times, because it felt so right. I was so scared. I had nightmares, I couldn't sleep alone. I saw things no one else did. I felt things. I experienced things I wasn't ready for.

For example - have you heard about astral projection? It's also known as Out of Body experience.
I have experienced that many times, against my own will. Usually people say it feels really good and I believe that. But I was so young. I panic. I didn't know what it was, I just saw myself lying in the bed and I couldn't move myself. I couldn't wake myself up. Even though I wasn't sleeping. I wish I had enjoyed that feeling. I mean, it felt so good to be without body, but I couldn't enjoy it, because I was always so sure that I can't return. I also thought that I was crazy.

I learnt quite soon that I shouldn't be talking about spiritual things. Most of the people don't  understand those things and usually they think I'm crazy. Insane. I care too much what other people are thinking about me, so I left so thing behind. I blocked my mind, got medicine and help. I forgot those things so many years.

But now I know that I shouldn't have done that. I started to search information and think more. Oh my, that feeling! Many things made sense again and I got that peaceful feeling inside of me. It felt so right. I hope that I can trust my feelings. I hope I'm ready this time. Because there must be a reason why I keep running into these things. I don't want to give up again.

Even though I don't have anyone to talk about this. I'm too shy to talk about my beliefs. I still believe that someone will say "you're wrong, you can't believe that". And damn, I'm too sensitive. Everyone tells me that I have to defend my beliefs and thoughts, but it's really hard if I'm not sure what I believe. I want to make my mind before I tell anyone. That's why I don't usually tell anyone what I think.

Love,
Ambivalent