There's darkness inside everyone.

There's always those days, when nothing feels good. When everything seems to be black. When that sadness inside of me raises its head and makes everything so hard. It wipes my smile off and doesn't go anywhere before it has had everything it needs.

My friends have told me that I have to listen happy music, think about happy things and force myself to be happy. That I can't give up to that darkness. No one understand that I have to feel those feelings, I have to go through my sadness. If I don't do that, it won't end up nicely. Everything will gather inside me and then it's really hard to feel happy anymore. And I want to be happy. Who doesn't want to be happy?

I have tried to force myself to be happy. It doesn't work. I tried to listen happy songs, but they don't sound good if I'm sad. They make me even sadder. I tried to think happy things, but they always changed to bad things. I think I can't change my mood like someone else. I can't force myself.

But I try to look happy. I use to be really good at that. Nowadays it's not that easy. I don't want to hide it anymore. It takes too much energy. I don't want to spent my energy to that anymore. I did that so many years and I don't wanna go back. I want to keep on moving.

The worst thing is that I have missed this sadness. I have missed this darkness. I kinda miss that time, when there wasn't anything good. When I didn't get up, when I couldn't go to school. I miss those days when I was crying in my room, hyperventilating and I couldn't move for hours.
I still remember how that felt. It was terrible feeling, but at the same time it was so nice. Somehow I knew I'll feel better someday. I had hope. And I was so good at writing. I wrote so many stories and almost all of them had the same theme. Something bad happened, but in the end there was always hope. I never lost my hope.

But I never had any reason to be sad. I shouldn't have felt bad. And especially right now I don't have any reason to be sad. My life is quite perfect. Everything is okay in my world. Still there's something missing. Sometimes it feels like I'm knowing what is missing, but I don't want to admit that. I can't.

There's one really good thing in sadness. I can write again. I haven't written many years, because I don't know what to write if I'm happy. I need my darkness to create something. I can't wait to start writing again. I know, I'll feel much better tomorrow. It's really good, but at the same time I don't want to that happen. I want to be in my own world.

Love,
Ambivalent