I just want my dreams to come true.

It's so strange to be home. I got use to having people around me, I got use to talking English, living without worries. I don't want to be home, I don't want to live in this reality.

My dad told me about his client, who travels a lot. His client works about three months and then he goes to abroad for three months. That sounds so awesome! I would love to live like that. That would mean that I don't have to in one place for long time. But still I would have place to go and where to have my things. 

There's few problems in that plan. I can't be with someone if I live like that. Okay, I can, but it's really hard. I just need to find a person who wants to travel and go with me. Someone who doesn't want to be in just one place. And I have a feeling that my boyfriend doesn't want to live like that. 

He loves our home town. He doesn't want to move anywhere, not even to our capital. I'm going to study in our capital and he has many problems with that. His life is here. He has built his entire life in this town and it's really hard to move somewhere else. 

In the beginning of this summer he said that he could move to capital just because of me. That was first time ever when he said anything like that. But I don't want him to move there just because of me. I want him to move there because he also wants that. 

So I can solve that first problem. That would be easy. But the next problem is different thing. 

I need a job where I can work only short times. And I want to be psychologist. There's a problem. How can I be psychologist if I can't commit to be around whole year. I have to commit to my job, I can't ditch my patients. I know that I need to be ready to commit to them for many years. 

Okay, I can solve this problem too. I just need to study something else. I just don't know what. I have many other options like working in economy. I could keep working in the store, I could work in social services, I could work with animals. But I have always wanted to be psychologist. I have been trying to find something else, but every time I end up to psychology. It's hard to give up my life-long dream. I want to find a way to have all my dreams. It's still possible, I'm not that old.

I love making plans. I love to plan my life. It doesn't matter are those plans ever coming true, but I need those plans. I have to know where I'm going.  If I don't know what I'm going to with my life, I can't do anything. Someone would say that I don't know how to live in the moment, but for me it's not that. I love to live in the moment, but at the same time I need a way where I'm heading. I can't enjoy this day if I don't know where I'm going to be next day. 

Nahh, I have to go now. 

Love,

Ambivalent