Norway is calling me!

Tomorrow is finally the day when I go to Norway. I have been waiting for this so long time now. I still haven't packed everything, I don't what I need with me. I have never been there and I don't have any idea what I'm going to do there. I don't know do I need some fancy clothes or are regular clothes enough.

I hope we are not going anywhere. I wish I could just rest and maybe go for a walk. I don't wanna go any special restaurant, I don't wanna go drinking (okay, drinking might be awesome, but it's too expensive for me). I just want to write, enjoy time with my cousin and aunt and maybe go window shopping. Take pictures and just chill.

I really need time for relaxing. Even though I don't want to admit it, but this break up, moving out, hosting a dance competition, working, being social and many other thing are taking my energy away. I don't usually feel stressed, but when I do - I usually crush under everything. I have no idea how's that possible. How can't I know where is my limit?
It works the same way every time. Everything is okay, nothing stress me and I can do things. I start doing things and I usually collect things to do. I always try to think is this too much, but it never feels like it. Then suddenly, some day, I realize that I'm a little stress ball bouncing around. It's like I'm looking for this stress.

I don't know how to just be.

I don't want to start studying. Imagine if I start to studying now.. In worst case scenario, I'll end up psychiatric ward just because stress. Studying would be okay, if I just study. But I know that's not enough for me. I want to be on students' union, I want to work at the same time. I would still be secretary in our dance society. And I really have to be good at my studies, because I want to go exchange and I can't if I'm not good enough.

But people survive all these things I'm doing. They shouldn't be so stressful. I don't know why I find them so stressful.

Love,
Ambivalent

It's me again, I won't go away

I realized today that my and M's honeymoon is over. You know, that time when you want to know everything about the other one, time when you can't wait to see other one online, time when all you want is talking to him/her. Time when you almost forgot to live your own life because you just want to have the other one in your life so badly.

We have got known to each other well enough, so we start to live our own lifes again. I knew this will happen sooner or later, I even told my ex that this won't last forever. I knew that some day we won't spent all day online. But this is kind of sad. We have been talking to each other almost every day last 6 months and I don't mean like just a little bit. We have been talking a lot. We have been online really much, almost all the time. We love talking to each other (well, at least I like talking to him, and I believe he likes to talk to me too), but it's time to let other one to have a normal life. We can't live on the computers.

But I know now, that M isn't going anywhere. He won't dissapear even if we don't talk every day. He won't go away if I don't call him every day. He's here to stay. At least I really hope so. I just have to trust he won't go away.

All of my friends say that I glow when I talk about M. They say I'm always happy, my eyes start to shine and I can't stop smiling. I try not to talk about M so much, but my friends have said that it's really nice to hear me talking about him, because it seems to make me so happy. I believe that, it's always nice to see someone to be happy. But too much is always too much.

Anyway, it feels so good to start to live again. I have lost so many days, I can't remember what I have been doing for so long time. I can't find memories, it feels like my life is going on, but I'm not controlling it. But slowly I'm taking control again.
I even saw my friends today. Only for little moment, but still. It felt so good. They played with my cats and oh man, my cats were so happy. I have been bad owner lately, I haven't played with them. I have only cuddled with them. I think I really have to start take better care of them, I want them to be happy.

Love,
Ambivalent

Everyone should love their jobs.

I wish everyone could have job like me. Job that makes you good mood and happy. Job where is always nice to go.

I was so pissed off this morning. I don't know why, but I wanted to kill everyone. My bus was late, I couldn't make the usual call before work and everything just made me mad. I was working really fast, even I noticed it by myself. I wanted to get rid of all our customers. I just had bad day.

But after a little while, I couldn't stop smiling. All my bitterness was gone and I started to laugh. I'm not sure why I always get good mood in the work, but it's nice. Maybe it's because my co-workers, maybe because our customers, maybe just because I love my work.

When my work day ended, my friend came and pick me up. It was so nice to see him. We haven't seen each other like.. a year? Or maybe two. Geez, I can't remember when was the last time we met! But it was so nice. We talked a lot and I showed my new (and old too) apartment to him. I found out he loves cats almost as much as I do!

It feels so good to have friends.

Love,
Ambivalent

"I don't wanna be your rebound."

And I don't want you to be my rebound.

I don't want to have a rebound at all. It's kind of funny, because after almost every break up I have been going through, I have had rebound. This time it's different. I don't need anyone to make me feel good, I don't even _want_ anyone to come into my life right now. I'm happy on my own. I have missed this happiness so much and I don't wanna ruined it with some random guy. 

Believe it or not, but I actually want to be alone right now. I don't have to rush things, it takes time to be ready for someone. I have to learn how to truly love myself, how to be alone, how to say no. I have so much to learn and I really need this time. 

I wasn't ready for my ex and I knew it when we started to date. But still I did it. Why? Because I wanted to save him. I knew I'm gonna get hurt, but it didn't matter back then. I knew it will make me stronger. 

And even though he cheated on me many times, I don't have trust issues. I believe I can still trust other people, I still think people are good and worth of my trust. I don't wanna think people want to hurt me. I want to believe that I'll find someone who respects me. But no one can respect me if I don't respect and love myself first. 

Right now I love even sleeping alone. It feels so good to be alone, I can do anything I want and I don't have to be close to anyone. I don't have to feel quilty because staying up so long or sleeping restless. I can listen the music I want, not what someone else want. 

I can't wait to start partying. I have missed bars, drinking, dancing and having fun. I really don't know when I stopped living, but I want to start living again. I want to live my youth, I want to do stupid things. I wanna dance on the tables, meet new people, make people uncomfortable. I wanna get in the fight, tell lies to random people, break something. I wanna lie on the ground, feel how good everything feels. 

All I have to do now is survive these next two or three weeks. After that I don't have to go back to that old apartment anymore. Then I can finally start living. I can't wait. 

Love,

Ambivalent

It's time to be social again.

I have been packing, unpacking and packing some more. These days are quite heavy, it's hard to be on move all day. I'm not used to that. Even though I like that feeling in the evening when you know you have done something today.

I can't wait to get social again. I don't know why I ended being so shy and closed while dating. I rarely saw my friends when I was dating. I think one of the reasons was that my friends didn't like my ex. Of course they always said "he's okay", but they never got along with him truly. And after few fights between my friends  and my ex, I somehow stopped asking my friends to come.
I always wanted to go somewhere else. But it's kind of difficult. I work at evenings and weekends, and my friends are in schools. It means, when I have time to see everyone, no one has time to see me. Maybe this moving out helps me to get my life back. When did I even lost it?

I can't believe I'm going to Norway next Monday! I can't wait. It's so nice to see my cousin and aunt, hopefully my uncle too. I haven't seen them for so long time. Last time we saw was in summer and my ex was with us. It's nice to see them without anyone else. I can just relax and get away from here for few days.
This trip has perfect timing. I need a break from this chaos. It's so nice to go away and have some time without thinking about "what should I do next, have I packed everything, how we are ever going to get this place clean". This trip will be a vacasion from my own life.

Geez. We have a problem. Our lessor has changed her phone number and never told us the new one. I can't find her new number anywhere. We have only two days left before we have to terminate our rental agreement. This is bad. But everything will be okay. I know it.
//Edit - She's dead. No wonder why her number wasn't valid anymore..

Love,
Ambivalent

First time

First night at my new home. It's weird to be at the same apartment I left over two years ago. It's like nothing has changed. I tried my wings and came back to home. It seems it wasn't my time to go yet.

I know this apartment so well, there are so many memories. This was my house for independence. First apartment where I lived on my own, still near to my dad. I know every corner here, I know exactly where to put everything. I know which order I should switch the lights of, where to put my shoes and keys. I know every sound here. I know every shadow here.

It feels weird to have two homes for a while. Most of my stuff is here already, but rest are still the old home. And I still have to go there too many times. It's still my home even though I won't be living there. I'm gonna just take rest of my stuff and leave. Okay, I have to clean that apartment too.
I have a feeling that next weeks I'm gonna be just cleaning all the time.

It's so weird to be here. It's so awesome. It feels so good to just lie in the bed doing nothing. If I could choose right now, I wouldn't go back to the other home anymore. It would be so awesome just leave that time behind. But I can't do that yet. I have duties. But soon, soon enough I can close that door and truly move on.

Oh, this is my first entry with my new computer. It's kind of weird to use it, but I already love it. It's so fast, cute and new. I love it. I can be on skype and watch series at the same time without any problems. I couldn't do that with my old laptop. It was terrible.

I can't keep my thoughts together right now, so maybe it's time for sleeping. Tonight I'm gonna do something I have missed so much last two years. I'm going to listen music while falling asleep.

I have left my mark on you

There is nothing you can do

It won't be the same again,

she don't compare to who I am

Love,
Ambivalent

p.s. My cats are awesome!

Get up, come on.

Two days and I start to move out! I can't believe this is actually happening. I was afraid that I stay here and nothing changes. That we just keep going like nothing has happened. I'm so glad it didn't go like that. I have packed almost all of my clothes, small items, bedclothes, towels. Tomorrow I will pack rest of the kitchen supplies and then I'm ready to move out. I can't wait to get out of here.

My ex said today that it would have been okay for him if we had taken our cats to Cat Shelter. I can't believe I have been dating someone who actually thinks like that. I always knew I love our cats (now they are only my cats!) more than him, but I'm still shocked every time when he says anything like that.
Cats aren't things. You can't compare them to the television or computer. They are more like babies. You have to take care of them their whole life. You wouldn't give away your own baby, would you? Why would you give away your cat? It's different thing if you just can't have your pet anymore. If you get allergic, or your life situation changes too much or something like that. But you don't give your pets away just because "nahh, I don't want it anymore". It's so wrong.
It's so hard to believe I have spent over two years with guy who can't love cats. If he can't love even cats, how could he ever love his own children. Having a pet is like having a child. But it's so much easier to love your pets than your children.

I think I'll end up being a crazy cat lady when I get old.

Geez. I want these mood swings to end. I'm getting tired of this shit.

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

Love,
Ambivalent

That's what I call friendship.

I love my friends. One of my best friends was here on Monday. I was working late, but she still came here. We stayed up almost whole night and talked about everything. We listened music, went walking, laughed on everything. We met some new people and enjoyed life. We made a bed for two of us middle of all these boxes and mess. My cats were walking over us whole night, but it was nice. Everything was so nice with my friend.

It's silly how well we get along. We haven't seen each other that many times, I think we have seen like ten times now. We don't talk every day, not even every week. Sometimes it can take many months without talking anything. But still I can say she is one of my best friends. She is awesome person. Every time we see, everything continues like nothing has changed. That is how I like my friendships.

Oh, my ex-boyfriend got an apartment! So we are both moving out soon. I start moving this weekend, he starts it next month. And we still haven't terminated our rental agreement. We have to do it next week. It's really funny that I'm moving this weekend and I haven't even packed everything. I have to hurry a little bit. Even though I don't have to rush things, I still have time to move out next month. But I want to move as soon as possible.

I don't know is it normal to be so happy for my ex. I was so happy when he told me he got that apartment. He just smiled and it felt so good. And I know he is taking his new acquaintance to the movies and dinner today. Usually people feel bad if their ex finds someone new so quickly, but I was so happy when I heard about it. It's nice to know that he is getting better. His life is finding its place and everything is settling.
Even though my ex was asshole (well, I was too), I still want only good for him.

One more thing. I'm gonna spent my Christmas differently this year. Not that I have celebrated it properly last 3 years, I have been at the bars with my friends last 3 years. It has been our tradition. But this year.. It's gonna be more different. I'm so excited!

Love,
Ambivalent

Baby, take a good look around

Sorry for not writing lately. It's hard to write between working and packing. All I did last week was packing. Seriously, I didn't go anywhere, everyday I just came home straight from work and packed. I'm getting frustrated, I still haven't pack half of my stuff. I really think I have too many things. But most of my stuff is really useful. Until now, I have only two boxes full of things which are not necessary, like decorative items, books and DVDs. Everything else is actually something useful.

I know I have been writing too much about this break up lately. I would love to write something else too, but this break up has taken over my mind. Like I said before I have to process this. I hope you don't get too annoyed.

Luckily I have some other things to tell too.
I bought new laptop yesterday. It should come this week! It's really cute and I hope it's better than this old lady. I can't wait to get it and try it!

There it is, my new baby ^^

And I'm going to Norway next month. I'm gonna be there only few days, it's like weekend trip middle of the week! I already have flight tickets and funny thing is, that my cousin is in the same flight! I didn't even know she is coming there too until my mom told me about it. So we picked up the same day, same flight, just by accident. But it's nice. Now I can go to my cousins place night before and go to the airport with her. It's so much easier.
I can't wait going there. It'll be so good for me. My aunt always spoils me when I'm at their place. I can't wait to go there and just do nothing. I know, I have to tell them about this break up and my future plans (they might not like them..), but I believe it's worth of it. I have missed them so much.

One of my best friends is coming to meet me today. It's so awesome. Last time I saw her was in summer, in July. We haven't even talked that much after it. I always read her blog and I believe she reads mine too. But we are both so bad keeping in touch. I was so happy when she sent message me and told that she could come here soon. So we figured out when we have day off at the same time and now she's coming here! I can't wait to see her. Too bad I have to work so late tonight. But we have whole night together.

My time is running out. I have to continue this later.
At least you know I'm still alive.

Love,
Ambivalent

It's not just end, it's also beginning.

I'm starting packing tomorrow. I really need to get out of this apartment. It doesn't do anything good for me to be here. I can't write freely, I can't eat. Being here sucks all of my energy and happiness out of me.

I can't smile, I don't feel like smiling. I need to get out of here, so I can start being happy again. Too bad that I have to stay here end of next month. Or at least pay the rent. I'm going to get out before that. This month. That's my goal. I want to go to the place, where I feel good. I have to start building myself again.

I can't stand my x-boyfriend right now. He doesn't go to school, practice or anywhere. He doesn't do anything. He only makes things harder for himself. He keep saying "it's not time for shape up". What the fuck? Okay, I know. It's normal to feel down after breaking up, but that's just wrong. You shouldn't stop living.

I'm continuing my life. I keep going to work, I talk with other people. I keep making plans. I can't stop right now. I need to get out of here, I want my stuff away from here, somewhere save. I don't want that my life stops here, I have so many things to do. After I get to my new place, then I have time to stop and figure out what I'm gonna do with my life.

I can't wait to start packing! Even though this is the end, it's also a beginning for me. I closed one door, but it opened many more. Now I have to make my choice. Where should I go next?

Love,
Ambivalent

You can't appreciate good days, if you don't have any bad ones.

I told you last night, that I feel good. And it's true. I'm so relieved and happy. I shouldn't be. But there's more. Of course I feel also bad because this break up. We were together so long time.

There are couple of things, where you can see that everything isn't okay.
I haven't eaten properly since we broke up. And it's getting worse everyday. First my portions just got smaller, then I started to forget eating. Yesterday I didn't eat anything else than one and half slice of bread. I can't feel hunger. And if I do, I can't eat. I just made breakfast for me, but I just can't eat it. I'm looking at it and trying to eat, but I can't swallow. Food doesn't taste good at all right now. I want this to pass and I want to eat again.

I can't concentrate on anything. My mind is processing this break up all the time. I have been suck a bad worker right now, but I think my boss understands it. I know this situation won't last forever and soon I'll be myself again. I have to go through all these feelings, thoughts and everything. I have to do it or else I can't move on with my life.

I was in my dad's place this weekend and it was really good thing for me. It's good to be somewhere else than home all the time. At least I got something else to think about. I had change to write and it felt so good. Writing is my way to process these things.
And this place is good for it. I went to nearest forest and it kinda calmed me down. I lived my childhood here, so here is so many memories. Mostly good ones.

This photo is really old, but nothing has change here.

Those apple trees still calm me down. One of my favorite places in the world.

Love,

Ambivalent

How do you know when its time to let go?

So, we broke up with my boyfriend. Excuse me, my ex-boyfriend. It happened on Tuesday, but I haven't had time to write about it.

We were together two and half years. It's kinda long time for me. It was my longest relationship ever. Why it ended? Because I cheated. I know I did wrong. I shouldn't have cheated on him, but I don't regret it. I think it opened my eyes to see what was wrong in this relationship.

I was happy with him, but not as happy as I can be. He was too strong person for me, he always made every decisions, always made me feel like my opinions are wrong. I know he meant good, he tried to make me stand up for my beliefs. But it was wrong way. Wrong way for me.
My ex-boyfriend wasn't bad guy. He was an asshole, but I learnt so much from him. He taught me to be selfish, keep my ground against other people. He taught me to think about myself before other. And I'm grateful to him for that.
But at the same time I was dying inside. I was turning into a person I don't want to be. I don't know why, but it felt like I was in little cage, no way out. I wanted to develop more. Became better person. But I didn't know how to do it with him.

He always crushed my ideas, not purposely, but still. When I had a wild idea, he always drag me back to reality and told me what's wrong with my idea. And I'm way too sensitive for that. I cared too much what
he thought.
When I wanted to go to Amsterdam, he said it's bad idea. He said I shouldn't go there alone and he didn't understand why I wanted to go so quickly. In his opinion, I should have saved more money and everything. I'm so glad I kept my head and went there. It was really good thing.
When I graduated, he missed it. He just didn't want to come there. He didn't understand how important it was for me. I still can't forgive him about that.

I think this break up was good thing for me. I know, I should have done it differently, but I can't change past. If I had know that I'm gonna cheat, I would have broke up before it. But I didn't plan to cheat, I was sure nothing is gonna happen. I was wrong.
Like I said, I still don't regret what happened. It felt so good, so right. It didn't feel wrong at all. It was like this is meant to be. It was so odd to experience how much someone can care about me. But I'm sorry about that I lied. I didn't tell about cheating right away. He found it out from my Skype.

But I wasn't the only one who did something wrong. He has cheated on me at least three times. Two of them was in the beginning of our relationship and we have talked them through. But this third one. It happened about year ago and I found out about it this Tuesday. He had kept that as secret whole year.
And now he's mad at me because I didn't tell right away. I think he has no rights to be mad to me at all. I know, it doesn't mean that my action was right, but he has no rights to be mad at me. He says that I have wasted his life 2 and half year, but when I think about it.. He's the one who has responsibility of that. If he cheated me so many times, why didn't he leave. If he didn't want to be with me, why didn't he break up with me year ago? Why didn't he learn his mistakes.

Anyway. It's over now. And I feel way too good. I shouldn't be feeling this good.
I'm waiting for it to hit me hard. I know it's gonna happen sooner or later. I have to go through this.

Love,
Ambivalent

Nothing scares me anymore

I just wanted you to know,

that, baby, you're the best.

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough

I don't know why

Keep making me laugh

Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on

try to have fun in the meantime

Tomorrow I'll explain my feelings.

Love,

Ambivalent

writer's block

I have been staring this page so long time now. I want to write, but something inside me says "You can't write about that". I want to tell everything to you, but I can't.

I have to start writing novels again. I have missed writing so much! It's still really hard, but I believe I can get my skills and inspiration back. I used to love writing, I was really good at it. It was my way to share my thoughts. But then I went to high school. High school ruined my imagination and writing. Suddenly I didn't have time to write any fiction, everything had to be based on fact and I couldn't use my normal language. I had to use boring language.
I know, it was my own fault that I let my mother language teachers control my writing. I should have just told them to fuck off. I was so proud of my writing when I was younger. Not anymore, now it's nothing special. But I was too conscientious, I was the good girl. I wanted learn everything, but that meant I lost my own thing.

I graduated over a year ago. And still I can't write. High school isn't the only reason why I can't write.

I'm really shy about my writings. This blog (and my other blog) are my way to practice writing before I actually start to write novels. But there's something inside me which blocks my writing. I don't want anyone to read my writings without my permission. I need my privacy. Even though I know, people can read my things if they really want, but it's different to KNOW that someone is doing it.

My boyfriend has read my and M's conversations two times now. He can't understand why am I so mad at him. And why can't I write anything anymore. I know, I haven't always been talking nicely about him and of course he's jealous. I left to Iceland meet some other guy who I had known one week in Sicily. I would be jealous too.
But that doesn't give rights to break in to my computer and read my conversation with him. My boyfriend just ruined my trust. I can't trust him anymore, I don't want to tell him anything. I don't want him to know anything what I'm thinking. He doesn't deserve my thoughts.
Now I know that he can read everything I write in my computer. Is it a surprise, I don't wanna write anything? I can't write anything, because he might understand my words in the wrong way. It's better not to write at all. I don't want to explain my writings every time.

He promised to me, he won't read my things ever again. He made that promise after the first time. And then he broke his promise. When he told me about that second time reading, all I wanted to say was "fuck you, it's over now." I was so mad at him. For some reason, I just swallowed my anger and explained my words. But I still can't forgive him. I'm so mad at him. He ruined my illusion about privacy.
He can be such a asshole, but he can be also so lovely.

Love,
Ambivalent