writer's block

I have been staring this page so long time now. I want to write, but something inside me says "You can't write about that". I want to tell everything to you, but I can't.

I have to start writing novels again. I have missed writing so much! It's still really hard, but I believe I can get my skills and inspiration back. I used to love writing, I was really good at it. It was my way to share my thoughts. But then I went to high school. High school ruined my imagination and writing. Suddenly I didn't have time to write any fiction, everything had to be based on fact and I couldn't use my normal language. I had to use boring language.
I know, it was my own fault that I let my mother language teachers control my writing. I should have just told them to fuck off. I was so proud of my writing when I was younger. Not anymore, now it's nothing special. But I was too conscientious, I was the good girl. I wanted learn everything, but that meant I lost my own thing.

I graduated over a year ago. And still I can't write. High school isn't the only reason why I can't write.

I'm really shy about my writings. This blog (and my other blog) are my way to practice writing before I actually start to write novels. But there's something inside me which blocks my writing. I don't want anyone to read my writings without my permission. I need my privacy. Even though I know, people can read my things if they really want, but it's different to KNOW that someone is doing it.

My boyfriend has read my and M's conversations two times now. He can't understand why am I so mad at him. And why can't I write anything anymore. I know, I haven't always been talking nicely about him and of course he's jealous. I left to Iceland meet some other guy who I had known one week in Sicily. I would be jealous too.
But that doesn't give rights to break in to my computer and read my conversation with him. My boyfriend just ruined my trust. I can't trust him anymore, I don't want to tell him anything. I don't want him to know anything what I'm thinking. He doesn't deserve my thoughts.
Now I know that he can read everything I write in my computer. Is it a surprise, I don't wanna write anything? I can't write anything, because he might understand my words in the wrong way. It's better not to write at all. I don't want to explain my writings every time.

He promised to me, he won't read my things ever again. He made that promise after the first time. And then he broke his promise. When he told me about that second time reading, all I wanted to say was "fuck you, it's over now." I was so mad at him. For some reason, I just swallowed my anger and explained my words. But I still can't forgive him. I'm so mad at him. He ruined my illusion about privacy.
He can be such a asshole, but he can be also so lovely.

Love,
Ambivalent