So, we broke up with my boyfriend. Excuse me, my ex-boyfriend. It happened on Tuesday, but I haven't had time to write about it.
We were together two and half years. It's kinda long time for me. It was my longest relationship ever. Why it ended? Because I cheated. I know I did wrong. I shouldn't have cheated on him, but I don't regret it. I think it opened my eyes to see what was wrong in this relationship.
I was happy with him, but not as happy as I can be. He was too strong person for me, he always made every decisions, always made me feel like my opinions are wrong. I know he meant good, he tried to make me stand up for my beliefs. But it was wrong way. Wrong way for me.
My ex-boyfriend wasn't bad guy. He was an asshole, but I learnt so much from him. He taught me to be selfish, keep my ground against other people. He taught me to think about myself before other. And I'm grateful to him for that.
But at the same time I was dying inside. I was turning into a person I don't want to be. I don't know why, but it felt like I was in little cage, no way out. I wanted to develop more. Became better person. But I didn't know how to do it with him.
He always crushed my ideas, not purposely, but still. When I had a wild idea, he always drag me back to reality and told me what's wrong with my idea. And I'm way too sensitive for that. I cared too much what
he thought.
When I wanted to go to Amsterdam, he said it's bad idea. He said I shouldn't go there alone and he didn't understand why I wanted to go so quickly. In his opinion, I should have saved more money and everything. I'm so glad I kept my head and went there. It was really good thing.
When I graduated, he missed it. He just didn't want to come there. He didn't understand how important it was for me. I still can't forgive him about that.
I think this break up was good thing for me. I know, I should have done it differently, but I can't change past. If I had know that I'm gonna cheat, I would have broke up before it. But I didn't plan to cheat, I was sure nothing is gonna happen. I was wrong.
Like I said, I still don't regret what happened. It felt so good, so right. It didn't feel wrong at all. It was like this is meant to be. It was so odd to experience how much someone can care about me. But I'm sorry about that I lied. I didn't tell about cheating right away. He found it out from my Skype.
But I wasn't the only one who did something wrong. He has cheated on me at least three times. Two of them was in the beginning of our relationship and we have talked them through. But this third one. It happened about year ago and I found out about it this Tuesday. He had kept that as secret whole year.
And now he's mad at me because I didn't tell right away. I think he has no rights to be mad to me at all. I know, it doesn't mean that my action was right, but he has no rights to be mad at me. He says that I have wasted his life 2 and half year, but when I think about it.. He's the one who has responsibility of that. If he cheated me so many times, why didn't he leave. If he didn't want to be with me, why didn't he break up with me year ago? Why didn't he learn his mistakes.
Anyway. It's over now. And I feel way too good. I shouldn't be feeling this good.
I'm waiting for it to hit me hard. I know it's gonna happen sooner or later. I have to go through this.
Love,
Ambivalent
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