If I die tonight, I die happy.

 "Who are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself where you're free to experience them?"

I don't who I am, but I'm on my way to find out. I can't remember when was the last time I knew what I want. It's so much easier to find myself when I know what I want. I don't have to start collecting pieces from nowhere, I have something where I can rely on, something that doesn't disappear right away.

I have never been this peaceful with myself. I'm happy with myself and I hope this feeling won't ever go away. I'm okay with my past, I don't know what future brings but it's okay. I still don't know how to live in the moment, but I'm learning.
I guess it's okay if I don't see my friends everyday, if I'm not social everyday. Maybe it's okay to see friends during free days, sometimes quickly after work, but usually keep in touch through Facebook or phone. I think it's okay if I'm not super-social everyday.

I have been smiling so many days in row.  I have been feeling so good even if I haven't been doing anything special. I have been working and writing, cleaning my apartment, cuddling with my cats. I'm just so happy with myself. I think this is the feeling everyone talks - self-esteem. I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be. Okay, I still have problems with self-esteem, but I can handle them. I know, I'm gonna solve every problem. I believe in myself and damn, I feel good!

I wanna dance, I wanna sing. I wanna get drunk. I wanna walk to the other side of the town. I wanna laugh, I wanna lie on the ground and just ignore everyone. I wanna be free. I wanna fly.

And guess what - I believe I can get everything I want and need. It may take time, but I know I can achieve everything I want. I'm going to create a life for myself where I can do what I want.

I've got a war in my mind.

Love,
Ambivalent