Sorry that I haven't been posting anything for many days. I have been kinda busy lately. Working, seeing friends, planning things and everything. I haven't had peaceful days, I have been doing so much. It feels kinda good.
I'm finally free. I gave our old apartment's keys away last Saturday, I'm not going back there anymore. I never believed this day would actually come, it felt like forever to wait this. I can't believe I can finally leave this period behind me and close the door. I can start my life again, I can feel good again.
Don't get me wrong. I really thought I was happy with my ex-boyfriend. I loved him so much, I was ready to do anything for him. I never wanted to hurt him even though he hurt me many times. I didn't want to see bad things, I just wanted to concentrate on good things. But like my ex said "If I try to remember good days, I can't. Time with you weren't bad, but it wasn't good either. It was just neutral." Our relationship was okay, we didn't have any big emotions, no big fights, no extremely awesome days. Everything was okay, but inside I was suffering. I couldn't see it when I was with him, but now I can see that.
I wanted to feel strong. I wanted to live my life. I'm still young, I don't want to settle. World is still open to me, I can do what ever I want. I can achieve things. There's nothing holding me back right now and I'm enjoying it. I know I could have been happy with my ex, but the way I want. I don't want just nice, I want awesome. If I had stayed with him, I would have been settling to him. I could have been happy, but not as happy I know I can be.
Luckily I'm free now, I have opportunity to be happy and finally live the way I want. I can't believe that I have lived this apartment over month already and it's still clean. There's only one explanation - I'm more happy now so it's more natural to keep everything in order.
Damn, I guess I have grown. I have changed so much lately, I can't keep up with all the changes. It's funny how much people can change in short time. I think it's mainly because I started to be honest to myself. After I admitted that I'm not happy with my ex, I started to feel so much better. I didn't have to keep up the act, now I'm free to express my feelings. I was so tired to hide my feelings. I was so tired. I didn't want to show my feelings, because I didn't want to end up fighting with my ex. I was afraid of him.
Love,
Ambivalent
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