You don't always get what you want, you get what you need.

I got awesome idea few days ago and I have been planning it lately. I have been so excited!

It all started from a small thought - I'm single and I can do what ever I want now. Then I realized that I can go to see my friends when ever I want. I don't have to think about anyone else when I plan my trips. I can just decide that I'm going to see my friends, pick a day and go there. I don't have to think anything!

Then it hit me - I can go abroad so easily now. All I have to do is ask vacation from my boss and buy flight tickets. So I started to think. What if I spent my birthday abroad? It would be awesome! Now I just have to decide where to go, I already asked my birthday weekend free.

Problem is that I have no idea where I want to go nor do I want to go alone or with someone. I can't decide that. I'm not good with decisions, it has always been so hard for me. Right now, I know what I want to do, but the problem is that I'm not sure is it wise. And even though I try to live spontaneous and care-free, I can't change myself so quickly.

This is so strange to know what I want, I'm not use to that.  At the same time I know it's not what I need right now. It probably will be the thing I need too, but not now. There are many things I have to do before I can get what I want. I think I have to do things I need before I start to do things I want.

But it sucks. I don't want to be so grown-up. I wanna do stupid things, I wanna life my youth. I wanna do what my heart says even if it's not probably good idea. My head is telling me that I have to think about future, that I have to take care of everything. I have to save money, I have to be stable. I have to be mature, I can't make mistakes.

I'm afraid that I'm gonna regret something I do or not do. I'm not sure which one is worse - regret something I did or something I didn't do. Usually it's worse to regret something you didn't do, but in this case, I'm not sure. I'm not sure is it worth of risk.

well, this was kind of strange text..

Love,
Ambivalent