It's just snow

It's funny how whole country goes crazy when it starts to snow. It shouldn't be surprise to have snow in nordic countries. My train is almost an hour late already. Every fucking train is late and people are starting to lose their temper. The funniest thing about travelling with train is that this train has been standing in the station almost half an hour now, waiting for other passengers to come from trains which are also late.
Well, it's kind of good that train company takes care that every passenger gets on.

But I like trains. Even though they are late, it's nice sitting in the train and observe the world. I like imagining life stories to other passengers, how their lives have been, why they are in this train. And it's nice to notice that random people talk to each others. They are getting bored and only thing you could do is talk. There's nothing else to do.
I'm waiting for someone to start singing. It would make this trip so much more entertaining. Imagine it, someone starts to sing and everyone else joins him/her. It would be so awesome.

Soon, soon this train is leaving and I'll be on my way to see Red. I haven't seen her so ages. I miss her so much and it's nice to finally go there to see her. I have never seen her apartment and she's moving soon, again. Next month actually. Moving together with her boyfriend. Bigger apartment, little bit further from the city, but it's probably best for them. Hopefully they can take her dog with them, because like she wrote "it's not home without it."

Yayyy! It's moving. Finally. 64 minutes late.

I can't wait to see Red. This weekend will be so awesome!

Love,
Ambivalent

What do you desire?

What would you do if money didn't matter? What do you desire?

I'm still trying to figure out what I really desire. It's kind of hard to find it out. Or admit. True feelings are hard and they make you vulnerable. They can make you feel powerful, but you are also vulnerable at the same time. And being vulnerable has always been problem for me. I don't wanna show my weakness to other people. I want to survive on my own. Without anyone.

What do I desire? First thing that comes to my mind is freedom. I wanna be free. I wanna be able to choose my life, go wherever I want. I don't want anything or anyone to hold me down. I'm still finding my place in this world and I want to do it my own way. Right now I have a feeling that I don't have just one place where I belong. I have many. I belong everywhere and nowhere. I feel home everywhere and nowhere. I want everything and nothing.

I think I love travelling just because it makes me feel free. I wanna travel around the world and probably alone. Hitchhike in the middle of the Asia, talk to strangers, go with the flow. Have a road trip around USA, meet my friends there. Coach surf, see little villages. 

 I believe in the kindness of the strangers. 

I desire freedom.

Love,

Ambivalent

It's just money

Damn, I have used almost all of my money. I don't know how's that possible, because usually I plan perfectly how I use my money. But I'm so tired of doing that. I have been doing it too long time, I have been preparing myself for the future and it has led to that I have forgot to life in the moment.

I have been saving money for everything. Like own apartment, travelling and just because I need to have money if something happens. Of course it's good. It just takes so much energy. I have organized my money well, I know exactly how much money I need every month and I put that money in different bank account, so I won't use it. Then I put most of my money on safe in different bank accounts. After that I have money I can spent every month.

But this month.. I have spent more than just those left over money. Way more. And I have been enjoying my life more than I have enjoyed anything for a long time. I'm so bored to live like I want safe and balanced life. Of course it's kind of nice to have some balance in my life, but it's so fucking boring.

And I want more.

Love,
Ambivalent

If you love someone, set them free.

Have you ever loved someone so much, it doesn't bother you if she/he is with someone else?
I have.

I love him and of course I would love to be with him, I would love to have him all to myself. I could lock him down and just keep him. But that's not love. I want him to be happy. I want him to live his life, enjoy every day. I want him to feel the love, meet new people and go crazy. Feel all the emotions. He has been alone for long time now and his life is changing. It's so much easier to face everything if you have someone with you.

In my opinion we make the perfect match. And he has said that too. But there's no way us to be together right now, it's not the right thing to do. It would only hurt both of us, and neither of us want to screw things up. He knows there's no point me to start dating so soon after my break up, but I know there's no point to ask him to wait for me. I wouldn't be able to life with myself if I ever do that.

I love him so much that the only thing I want is that he's happy. If it means he's with someone else, that's okay. Even if he dates someone else, we can still be friends. He's not disappearing, he's just living his life. I couldn't be happier about the fact he's living, that he's moving on a little bit.

It's weird how no one seems to believe that I'm happy for him. Not even him. When he told me, he was kind of nervous. Like.. He seemed to be a little bit afraid how I react. And I think he was kind of surprised when I told him, it's okay. I have told him many times that I just want him to be happy. That he deserves the best and I won't stop him. It would break my heart if I do that. But he never believed it. No one did.

I have a feeling that some day we will end up together. It probably won't happen in next year, maybe not even next five years.. We live our lives separately, but we are always connected. We can date other people, because you never know what life brings. There's a possibility that we are never gonna be together, but it's okay. Because the only thing that matters is that we can be happy and if it's without being together, so be it. It really doesn't matter as long as we are happy.

I just wish she looks at him like I do. I wish she loves him like I do.

Love,
Ambivalent

p.s.
He was so surprised when I told him that I already knew. I had known like month, I just waited him to say it out loud. He was like, how? How could you know if no one knows.. Well, I call it intuition or maybe instincts. I just had that feeling, I just knew it.

You like your girls insane

I have been shaking my hands and legs all day. I can't stop moving. I can't control my mind, my thoughts. Working today was impossible, because I couldn't sit in the cash point nor do anything in the store. I tried to organize products, but it was impossible.

It would be nice to have this much energy, if I could use it. If I could transform this energy into practical energy, it would help me. I wanna able to do things, like clean this apartment, send emails, go jogging.. You know, useful stuff. But no! This energy just blocks everything. I can't use it on anything and I just walk around. My heart is pounding too fast. 

I can't see myself as crazy person, but someones have told me that I'm crazy. I'm not sure am I right or are they right. I mean. I'm in the middle of my life, this is normal to me. I don't see what's wrong about my way of thinking, it's easier to see it when you are outsider. I don't care what other people say, but sometimes I wonder are they right. How can I see if I'm going nuts?
My thoughts make sense to me, but other ones don't understand them.

Love,
Ambivalent

I need more.

I haven't had time to write, but I promise I'll write as soon as possible. Because I have so many things I want to tell you. Many things have happened and changed. And no one knows about them, because I don't have time to talk or write about them..

I miss writing.

Love,
Ambivalent

And I want you in my life

You don't want me, no

You don't need me

Like I want you, oh

Like I need you

And I want you in my life

And I need you in my life

You can't see me, no

Like I see you

I can't have you, no

Like you have me

Love,

Ambivalent

Be wild.

I'm too restless. I can't concentrate on anything, my mind just keep jumping one thing to another. I can't just sit, I have to keep moving all the time. I don't sleep as much as I normally do. And this is getting worse and worse all the time. Or better and better.

I feel so good and I'm not sure is it normal good feeling or is there something wrong with me again. My mood is so awesome and I'm not use to that. There's small part inside of my fearing that this is mania. I don't want to have any other mental problems. But I think as long as I know there's a possibility to have some problems, I don't have to worry. If I had some problems, I couldn't see them by myself, right.

"Go wild. You deserve to go wild. Just don't be stupid."

I decided to ignore that fear this isn't normal. I'm gonna just enjoy the ride. Go with the flow. And see where I end up. I know I'm much happier when I'm not trying to control things, so that's what I should do. Stop trying to control everything. But I know I do stupid things if I don't control everything. Maybe it's worth of it.

Love,
Ambivalent

I want what she's got

Oh man, I have been so busy lately. I haven't slept well since my birthday. And my birthday was ten days ago. My sleeping time has been something between 2 to 5 hours every night. Mostly those two hours nights. Living and partying is hard.

Many people has asked me lately "Are you on speed? What the hell have you taken?" No one believes me, when I told them I haven't taken anything besides alcohol. Not even alcohol necessarily. I'm going fast, I can't stop and it feels so good. I dance in the rain, I laugh and I do what ever I want to do.

Last Wednesday I went out for a walk in the middle of the night. I was partying with H and S, and after the bar closed me and H went to S's place. As soon as we got inside, I changed my clothes and told H that I wanna go walking. I had so much energy and I knew I couldn't sleep if I stay inside. H didn't want to come with me, but luckily one random guy joined me.
We walked and talked so much that night. He told me things he hasn't ever told anyone, not even his best friends. That night and especially that walk was awesome. I enjoyed every moment and I hope so did he. Because we were acting like we have known out whole lives and H didn't believe we met first time that night.

Sometimes I think I don't know how to be less open, less social. I trust people more than I should and I'll probably hurt myself because of that. I let my emotions lead me, it usually makes my life interesting, but I know there's a risk doing it. I do it anyway.
I want to believe people are good, I believe in the kindness of the strangers. I don't have any reason not to trust people. If they hurt me, then I have reason.

Or maybe this is my way to protect myself. I make people think they know me, that they know my personal stuff, but in reality.. Nothing I tell them could hurt me. There are only few people who actually knows me.

I'm not sure should I slow down. This might go over board, but I love feeling this good. I know, this might not be healthy.
...Damn, I can't concentrate!

Love,
Ambivalent

One trip can change everything

part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4

It's time to continue again. This time I'm going to tell you about my friends I got in Sicily. One week and I got three close friends from that trip. I hope they are here to stay.

First is Photographer. All of you why I call her that, if you don't - you are idiots. No offence. I have known this girl short only short time, but I still see her as one of my close friends. We know kind of much about each other and lately we have seen quite often. We are still getting to know each other, but I believe you will hear about her much much more later.
She awesome person. She's part of everything and sometimes I wonder how she has time for everything. She never says no, she always at least considers my ideas. I know she's younger than me, but it doesn't matter between us. If we go to bar, we can choose bar where all of us can get in. Sometimes I think Photographer doesn't appreciate herself, that she doesn't see how good she is in many things. I wish I could show her how she really is in other's eyes.

Then there's Fighter. I haven't seen him since Sicily and damn, I miss him! We have been talking quite much after that trip, but of course it's not the same. Luckily I'm probably going there in February. I can't wait. I always try to help him, I listen his problems. And he does the same for me too. Even though.. Lately I haven't had problems, so it has been more me trying to help him.
He's strong person. I'm not sure does he realize how much passion he has, how strong his ambition is. Even though he's not always sure about his feelings, he feels strongly. And he's ready to work for his dreams. Sometimes I wish I could be more like him.

And of course, there's also M. You know about M already, he's awesome, just awesome. My soul mate. He's the one who has had strong influence on me. He has changed me so much already and I want more. I like the person I am around him and I really want to spent time with him. Too bad he lives so far away.

But you know..

When we first met I knew there's something special between us. I know I wasn't only one who thought that. We just click and well, I won't let him go.

M is really weird personality and I think that why I like him so much. He's such a mess inside, but at the same time he knows everything so perfectly. I can't make any sense about him. He has so many different sides and I can't understand how he manages to keep all of them in control and balanced (yea, I know - balanced isn't normal stage, you should consider to go with the flow). M is party animal, but at the same time he's gamer. He's anime freak and he practice parkour. He believes in apocalypse, but keeps going forward at the same time.

Anyway, all of you know about M already, so that enough about him. Like my friends have told me, I could talk about him all night.

These three persons are my newest close friends, but I see possibility in our friendships. I believe we can grow strong together, even if we are different countries. We can't spent as much time together as we want, but it doesn't mean we are less friends. It doesn't change the fact that Sicily trip changed all of us and I believe that bond won't break so easily.
I miss everyone from Sicily trip, but mostly I miss M. Because I need him. He's something special. He's my guide, my spiritual mentor. 

Love,
Ambivalent

I'm on a boat!

How is it possible that all of my weekends have been awesome lately? How is it possible that my life is so fucking awesome right now?

I'll keep this post short, because I really should be sleeping already, but I really wanted to write before going to sleep. Last weekend was so awesome. As you know, I was celebrating my birthday. On the cruise. Whole weekend just partying and drinking. I spent too much money, drank way too much, danced until my feet hurt and met awesome people.

First night was quite much about talking girl's stuff. I haven't seen B for so long time, so it was really nice to hear how is she. It was also strange how well me and my old friend got along even though we haven't seen each other for many years. The forth girl wasn't with us that much, I think she spent like 10 hours with us in whole weekend. But it didn't matter, because she wanted to go and spent time with boys next door. We didn't abandon her, she went by herself. So why worry about that.

The bar opened at one o'clock, and we danced rest of the night. At one point B went to sleep and I just kept dancing. When the bar closed, I started to look for after party. I ended up with some random dudes and I kept changing my company. I wanted to meet as many people as possible. I slept about two or three hours and damn.. The hangover next day was terrible!

I'm so proud I managed to go ashore. It was so close that I continue sleeping without going out with others, but I'm really glad I went there. Because I found new trousers, two t-shirts and belt - everything something I really need. It was well-spent money.

The second night was awesome too. It was more drinking with other people. We met football team (or part of it) and well, we basically spent rest of the time with them. I hope B and other girls enjoyed that time as much as I did. I had so much fun! Talking, drinking, dancing..
I was so energetic, I run around the ship and damn, I was so happy again. I have been feeling good for long time now, but it still surprises me. The fact I can feel good. That I can do what ever I want. That I can run around if I want to, I can lay down if I want to.

And yea, there was one guy. I spent quite much time especially with him. He seems really nice guy and you probably will hear more about him later. We have talked at least two hours in the phone today and we still have things to talk. It's kind of weird, but also nice. I think I'll show him whole different world.

Anyway, I had awesome weekend.

Love,
Ambivalent

Yeah you’ve only begun to shine

Next is two maybe strangest friends of mine. Good way strange. (part 1, part 2 and part 3)

First there's Ballet. We have known many years, I can't remember when we met first time. I remember where we met, it was in Bi-meeting, but I have no idea when was that. We connected quite soon. She was buttoned-up, she never talked things with their real names. She didn't know how. But with me she opened up. She started to talk things with their real names - and btw, that helps a lot to understand. Ballet has changed so much during years that I wouldn't recognize her as the same person if I haven't seen it to happen. She has grown beautiful, self-confident woman.

We don't actually see each others as much I see my other friends. But it hasn't changed a thing between us. Every time we see, everything just continues where it left last time. I love spending time with her, but we don't have any good shared friends, so it's kinda hard. Of course we have mutual friends, but it's different thing. Our friends are so different and it's kinda confusing so times. Ballet is one of my best friends, but she a little lonely wolf in my friends.

The second one is Red. She's going to hate when I call her that, because well.. She has been identified as "red-headed girl" for so long. It's kind of annoying sometimes, but it's also part of her identity. I know that because I'm also red-head.
We met in the bar. I was there alone, just partying and meeting new people. I really love going to bars alone. Then I saw her. She was so beautiful. She was with some of her friends and I just went there and started to talk with them. I don't know why, but me and Red just clicked immediately. After 10 minutes some random guy came to us and asked "Are you two sisters? Or best friends at least!" No, we met first time in our lives, like 10 minutes ago. He had hard time believing that.

I still don't know everything about her past or what kind of person she is. But I'm figuring that out slowly. And the more I found out, the more I like her. She keeps surprising me. She has lived so differently than me, but still there's something so familiar, something common between us. I know I can trust her and I hope she knows she can trust me too. Red can always come to my place and I'll find time for her. It's difficult us to see, because we life different cities and we both work random days. Last time she just said, she wants to see me, drive here and we spend awesome night together. I wrote about that night. It was awesome!

Ballet and Red are so ramdom friends, that we don't actually have any common friends, we don't have any connecting thing. It's only luck that we ever met each other. I'm so glad I met them. They are both awesome persons. And I love them.

Love,
Ambivalent

I can go until I blow up

My birthday was yesterday and it was awesome. In the morning I cleaned my apartment, did the dishes, washed my clothes and stuff like that. Then I went to work and as you know, my life starts after work.

My plan was going to eat with my friend and take the last bus to home. Well. It didn't go as planned. We ate and had so awesome time, we ordered few drinks and the my friend said "I wanna go to other bar and have one special shot! It's so goooood!" So we went there, took those shots - it was really good. Then I was said, I wanna go dancing. So we ended up middle of student's party.

We were on the dance floor all night, I only went once to smoke. We didn't sit once and we had so much fun. There was also couple boys who danced almost whole time with us and damn, I loved their moves! One of them was especially good.

I wanted to get known to him, I believe it would have been awesome to party with him later. We could rock the dance floor with him! Almost as awesome as M and me. Too bad I never told him that so we probably will never see again. It would have been so nice to have him as my new party friend.

Anyway. After the bar closed I went to my friend's place to sleep. I slept about one hour, woke up, run to mornings first bus and went home. I slept few hours more and now I should get ready for work. Damn, it wasn't such a good idea to be there until bar closes..

But I had fun and tomorrow I'm going to cruise!

Love,
Ambivalent

Sometimes I miss high school

Talking about my friends continues (part 1 and part 2)

In high school I met Hockey Girl. We were always together, everyone knew us. I can't remember how we became friends, but somehow we always ended up smoking together every break. I didn't even smoke that much before that.. We were thick as thieves and it was odd we weren't together somewhere. She knew so much about me and I also knew so much about her. 

We have had our fights, but I believe we have grown up enough to get over them. We didn't talk for long time after high school. There was many reasons for that, but I always knew out friendship isn't over. I was right. We are getting closer again. 

Hockey Girl likes hockey (you might figured that out from her name), she doesn't play it but loves to watch. She one of the biggest hockey fan I have ever known. I have never liked hockey, but when we had "Show your color"-day in high school, we both dressed up as hockey players. Show you color-day was originally traffic light-day, when everyone should wear red if they are taken, yellow if there's something going on but nothing serious and green if you are single. But we modified it and in our high school the idea was show what you like. It was so awesome!

We use to party a lot together and it seems we are starting to do that again. She engaged now, but it doesn't seem to slow her down. Her fiance (damn, it's still strange to use that word..) loves to party too, so it's not a surprise that they keep partying even if they are together. They are good example that you don't have to change who you are if you are dating. You can still party, you can still drink. You don't have to change your behavior. It's so nice to see that happen. 

I also got another close friend from high school. Joker. 

He was part of our student council and that's the place we met. We spent two years (maybe 3?) planning different parties together, we had many meetings and it was just awesome. Joker is kinda weird person, he's really intelligent, but that costs him many problems. He thinks too much. He can't just let go. Damn, I hate arguing with him, because he always have answer to everything. He has taught everything through, calculated every possibility and it's fucking annoying. He lives so differently compered to me. I live more with heart, he lives with brain.

During high school I helped him, I listened him quite much. We talked really much and well, it was kinda shame that after high school we slowly talked less and less. I'm not sure why. It just happened. Maybe it was because army. But now we are back. And we are better friends than ever before. Joker has started to drink and it makes seeing him so much easier. I can actually ask him to join me and go to party. (Not that partying requires drinking, but he didn't party back then)

It's kinda weird how fun we have together. I never thought he could end up being so funny. I never thought we would end up drinking together. I'm leading him to the dark side. He seems to be "mister nice guy", but he got balls if needed. He just doesn't realize that yet.. 

Hockey Girl and Joker are my close friends from high school. I think they are the only thing I miss from high school (okay, maybe student council too). It was so much easier to be friends, because you saw each other everyday, it was so natural to spent time together. Now it takes more. We are doing different things and it took a while to realize that I really have to keep in touch with them, if I want to have them as my friends. 

Love,

Ambivalent

You're all here for the very same reason

I found out something shocking today and I'm not sure how should I deal with it. It's not really about me, but I still don't know what to think. But I trust my friends and I hope they ask help if they need it. They know I'm always here for them.

Last weekend was weird. Free alcohol, dancing and laughing. Good food, strange things and weird places. I had so much fun and I didn't even have hung over. On Sunday I was able to meet S and it's something new to me. I'm usually so lazy on Sundays that I don't do anything but watch series in the bed. Not this time. I went to town and bought tickets to movies next week. Six girls going to watch Twilight, it's gonna be epic.

After that I went to eat with S. We went our regular place - chinese! It's so nice and cheap place. You can get buffet there and it's less than 10 euros (okay, on weekends it's 11 euros, but anyway). There's many kind of sushi, deep fried shrimps, spring rolls, sauces, rice, noodles.. It's awesome place! We usually go there to eat and talk. Someday I will show you pictures of it.

Me and my ex are back on speaking terms and it's kinda nice. There's no use to be angry, past is past. And even though we can talk right now, it doesn't mean we have to be close friends. It just makes things easier. We have many shared friends, so now it's not a problem to be at the same party with him at the same. At least I think that. There's no use us to fight.
And now he can see my cats if he wants. He lived with them as long as I did, so it's natural that he wants so see them. Oh yea, now he wants to see them. I guess that after all he cares about my cats. He liked those cuties even though at the one point he said he didn't.

But that doesn't really matter. It's just nice to speaking terms, I don't like fighting.

Next weekend will be epic too, I'm going to cruise with girls! We are finally old enough to go there without supervisor, so of course we have to go there. First I was planning to go somewhere else, but I ended up with this. I decided that it's good for me to spent time with my friends. Best thing is that one of the girls who comes with me is B. And T isn't coming, this is only for girls. Funny thing is that I'm going to spent my birthday with just one of best friends, the other two are just friends. Or B's friends. And it's my birthday. I still think it's gonna be awesome trip.

Love,
Ambivalent

Sometimes strangest things can turn out the best

Last time I wrote about H and S, two of my best friends. Now I'm going to tell you about my other really close friends.

I met B really weird way. I just broke up with my first real boyfriend and we kept in touch. We were really good friends with him. He was the one who kept me in one piece. Then he met new girl. And oh man, she was so beautiful! I spent hours just looking her pictures. I loved her and her pictures. This girl was B. 

After a while, we met. I don't remember how it actually went, but nowadays we are like really good friends, even though we are not friends with that boy anymore. It's not like we hate him, but sometimes you grow up and there's nothing common with someone. And those people just disappear from your life. He's still my Facebook friend, but we haven't talked in ages.

But B, she came to my life to stay. For really long time she was my role model, but slowly we have became more equals. She is amazing person. When I first met her, I thought she's self-confident and daring - something I wanted to be. Later I have found out that she's actually kinda shy and insecure. It really funny that every time I think about dating a girl, B pops up into my mind. She has always been the girl I want. 

I love her and I really miss her. We haven't seen each other so long time and I can't even remember when was the last time I saw her without her boyfriend. Luckily next weekend I'm gonna see her without him.

Her boyfriend is also my close friend, T. T is like my guardian. I trust him so much and I know if i have problems he will always project me. No matter where I am, or what happens, he'll come and kick some asses if someone hurts me. He has strong opinions and that's why not everyone gets along with him. But that's okay, because not everyone has to love everyone.

Me and T have some kind of strange bond. We have always get along so well and he has taught me so many thing. We met through H, they use to hang together quite much, but nowadays I'm the one who's still touch with him and actually knows something about his life. 

I always ask T's opinion about my boyfriends. I kinda get his approval to my boyfriends. Even though.. My last ex never got that approval. T hated him, but tried to get along. I have a feeling that T has to like my boyfriend, if he doesn't - it's a sign, that relationship won't last. 

T and B are both awesome persons. They met through me and it was surprising that they actually ended up together and they have been together over 3 years now. T used to be really badass, we partied a lot together. But after meeting B, he settled down. Damn, those two are so happy together. Even if I have seen them fighting, I can see that love between them. They weren't the typical or expected match, but they really make good match. I think they are right for each other. 

Anyway. I love those two and I think I have to start seeing them without other too. I want to know how they are really doing and it's hard to talk if there's both of them around. I mean, we talk so different things with B than T. 

Love,

Ambivalent

You can't hold us down

I have awesome friends, but I don't have my own crew. You know, that inside group who knows you the best, you hang with them all the time. You can call your group "us". I don't have that. I just have many random friends and okay, I have two girls who are like my gang.
I have collected my close friends from different places. I don't know how it happens or why it happens, but it seems like I get one or two close friends almost everywhere I go, I have friends from almost every phase of my life.

Now I'm going to tell you about two of my best friends. They are my really really small inside group, or at least they used to be.

My best friend, H,  is also my oldest friend. We have known since we were little babies. We used to live houses next to each others and our parents were friends too. The she moved away and everyone was sure we won't keep in touch. But we did. We are still best friends. I actually think we became best friends after she moved away. She's awesome person. She doesn't judge me, she's always there for me. Sometimes there might be many months without talking to each other, but every time we start talking again - it's like nothing has happen. I know she's always there for me if I need her. And she knows I'm here for her too. I don't know what would I do if she didn't exist.
We have experienced so much together. We are completely different persons, but I think that's one of the reasons why we are still friends. We have grown together. We known how the other grew up, we have been standing together in the storms. She has seen all of my styles, she has been standing next to me through my depression. She has seen all of my boyfriends and she knows exactly how I feel. I have seen how her family fell apart, how she must be the adult in the house. How she grew up in crazy environment and still turned up more sane than me. We have seen each other's phases, we know exactly how everything has gone.

Then my other best friend, S.
We met in primary school (we disagree with this, S says we met in kindergarden, but I don't remember her from there). She was one of the "cool girls" and saw that I was bullied. She wanted to get me out of that friend group. She just took me in that cool girls group and saved me. Our friendship hasn't been so easy from the beginning, once we didn't talk to each other for almost half year. And it was not like me and H, it was like "I hate you, don't ever talk to me again"-period. But she grew up and now we are really good friends.
S is also so awesome. Even though she doesn't always understand me, she tries. I know she haven't ever understood how can I be depressed, but she never said that to me. She never questioned it straight to me. She just went with it. She has changed a lot during the years. We use to party together - a lot. She was the crazy party girl. And I always took care of her. But nowadays, she engaged and settled down. It's everything she ever wanted. There was time when we didn't see that often, but lately - I have been seeing her more often and I love it!

Me, H and S have been awesome team so long time. First H and S hated each other, but after a while, after they got known to each other.. We became best friends together. We started to party together almost every weekend and it was so awesome. S was usually the one who went crazy and did something stupid, so me and H followed her and cleaned after her.
S was the stereotypical blond, H was the one with common sense and me.. I was the one who guided all of us even though I was lost. I was the wise one of us. We are all different, but we still love each other. I'm not sure how it's possible that we are still this good friends. I guess it doesn't matter. The only thing matters is that we are friends, best friends.

Love,
Ambivalent

Dance until your feet hurt

I have noticed that I write here when I'm happy. It's kinda funny, because I usually write when I'm unhappy. I convert my feelings into words and deal with all my problems. I always thought I can't write without being miserable, that I need to be depressed to be good writer. Okay, I'm not as good as I use to be, but it's okay. I'm getting better every time I write and it still feels good.

There was many years when I didn't write anything, I didn't know what to write, how to start. High school messed my writing so badly, I'm still recovering from it. During high school I didn't even like writing. I got so much negative feedback about my writing that I stopped it. But nowadays I don't care that anymore. It doesn't matter if someone doesn't like my way of writing. I know I can get better and if I get some constructive criticism. There's difference with constructive criticism and telling you that "you can't write like this, it's not the right way. You have to stop writing fiction".

Be heard, Be strong, Be proud.

I wanna make some noise.

I'm officially moved out now. My address changed today. And it's awesome! It feels good to be home. I have always wanted out of this town, but now it's kinda nice to be here. This good place to have my stuff and travel. I still want move away, but I'm not in hurry. I have time. I can deal with this town, it's okay. It's beautiful, I can appreciate it differently than I used to do. I was too young and restless.

Well, I'm still restless and I'm getting more and more restless.

Gotta turn the world into your dance floor

Determinate, d-determinate

Push until you can't and then demand more

Determinate, d-determinate

You and me together, we can make it better

Gotta turn the world into your dance floor

Determinate, d-determinate

It's over midnight and I still want to go out. I wanna go jogging or something. I have too much energy. It sucks to know I have to sleep even though I'm not sleepy right now. I know I'll be in the morning if I don't go to bed. I think I have to find a hobby for myself. I need something where I can use all of this extra energy. I need the way to get these feelings out.

I have my own ways to deal with bad feelings. I know exactly what to do if I'm depressed, I know what I have to do if I have a panic attack. But when it comes to happiness.. I'm not sure what to do. I can't remember when was the last time I was this happy, truly happy. When was the last time I didn't have any weight in my shoulders, when have I smiled this much, for so long time. When was the last time I have been able to get on my feet by myself, when was I able to think positive even tough there's nothing special going on.

I can't remember. But that doesn't matter, because I'm happy now. I just wanna dance and I hope you dance with me.

Love,
Ambivalent