Still kicking

This year has gone so fast, espesially autumn. Days are disappering somewhere and at the same time I'm happy and depressed. I don't have energy to do anything, I haven't been in shcool whole week in row in entire autumn and getting up in the mornings take its time. But I'm also enjoying this ride. I don't have empty days, I always have something to do. I have learnt not to care so much and study just enough to pass the courses. 

I'm waiting for the next year. The exchange year. As you know I love travelling and it has been difficult to be still for this whole time. Almost everyday I'm dreaming about going somewhere, quitting the school and selling all my stuff. Next autumn I should be either in New Zealand or South Korea. Half year in different country, it sounds so good. I'm learning to be patient. 

My birthday was few weeks ago and it was amazing. Good friends, little bit drinking and weird truths and dares. Then last Friday was Ted's birthday. Even Red came there and oh my, it was so nice to spent time with her. I guess Ted and Red are basically the most important people in my life right now. Luckily I don't have to explain it to anyone. My friends seem to let us be the way we are. 

Yea, anyway. I just wanted to let you know I'm still kicking and stuff.

Love,

Ambivalent

Anxiety to anger

It started as anxiety. I wanted to get out, away from all the people. My heart was pumping and for a millisecond - I was sure I'm gonna die.

Then suddenly it changed. I let the anxiety flow through me and this time it passed. It's rare it goes away so easily, but it didn't bother me. I was just happy I could breath.

It wasn't anxiety anymore, it became anger. Or I think it was irritation. Everyone around me were too slow, too sad, too tired. They smiled the wrong way, talked boring things or whatever the reason was.

I wanted everyone gone, I worked kind of fast and oh, the looks I got. Of course I smiled to everyone, but well.. I always work fast, but if I worked even faster - it might have looked bad.

I let the irritation flow also through me and it was awesome. I had my energy, even though it wasn't the usual "happy happy joy joy" energy, it made me work better. And I felt good. Annoyed, but good.

It so weird for me to be okay with feelings like this.

Love,
Ambivalent

I'll do it my way.

"Everyone is just living their lives. Everyday life isn't full of emotions. People just live - they do their job, come home, spent time with family and maybe have some hobbies. It's normal. Everyday life is a circle and it's okay. It doesn't need to be more."

She didn't understand what I meant when I tried to explain. Of course it's okay to live your life like that. It's okay to enjoy your circle. But I want more. And I believe it's okay to want more. I want to paint my world with different colors, I want to have my kind of everyday life. Even if I don't know what is my kind.

I want to live the way that makes me feel.

I have had quite hard season going on. Many things in my mind, too much planning the future. I have cried, I have been anxious. I haven't been able to get out of bed, or if I have - it has taken many hours. I'm one big mess, but in the end - I'm quite happy. Those feelings, all of them are just part of my life.

And like I said - I want to live the way that makes me feel. I have to be ready to face the "bad" ones also.

I have said "my life is paused" and it's true. I'm just waiting for graduating, but I know it's wrong. Why wouldn't I just enjoy this time also? It won't last forever. Maybe I just need to make it more like me. Make it fit better for me.

Even though I'm in chaos, even though I'm feeling down, I'm starting to feel that it'll pass. Colors are coming back. I am happy.

Love,
Ambivalent

It feels a lot like life.

It has been chaotic, but at the same time everything feels normal. Life seems to got on right track, I have worked quite much and finally I have had energy to see my friends. Life is good.

It's weird to realise how much better it feels not to study. Of course I have known that school doesn't do good for me, I have known it's different to study than work. I knew things will change when I start studying, but I weren't ready for all of this. 

It doesn't feel like I'm living my own life. I'm in some kind of story, I do things just because I'm supposed to do things. I have lost the feeling about my own dreams, nothing feels like I'm doing it because I'm passionate about it. 

I have tried to fill in "Compass of life" and it's weird to realise nothing matters. There's nothing important for me. School got ½ point from max 10 points and still school is the place where I spent most of my time. At least during school year. I have thought that reason for me to go to school is everything linked to it. I like being in board of representatives, I like being tutor and now head of international tutoring in faculty of technology. I like being part of everything and I have thought it's the reason why I study. 

But when I filled in Compass of life I realised, it doesn't matter. Of course I like doing those things, but I wouldn't miss them if I wasn't part of it. I wouldn't be heartbroken if I had to resign from all of my duties. My life would continue the same. Or well, of course if I would resign I wouldn't be studying either. 

So basically my life would become normal again. 

I really like having a summer vacation. Life feels normal, it feels like my life. Life is good, life is beautiful.

Love,
Ambivalent

One done!

One year behind. 59 etcs, average grade 4.6 in scale 1-5. I know I should be proud of myself, 4.6 is quite good grade. I have got only grades 4 and 5. But it doesn't feel good. It doesn't make me feel good, proud or anything like that.

In fact.. I think it makes me feel kind of disappointed. I'm always waiting for the amazing feeling I'm so good! and when school can't provide that for me - it's always so disappointing. I work quite hard to get good grades, even though I don't get anything from them.

I look at my grades and for a half second I'm thinking yea, that's not so bad and then I back in the reality. It's just a number, it doesn't count on anything. It doesn't mean I'm good. It doesn't define how I am or what kind of person I am. It just means some teacher thinks that I have learnt something.

Of course it's good  that school doesn't define me, because I would stress the hell out of myself. Well, I'm already stressing too much. Why am I still putting so much effort on something that doesn't matter? Silly girl.

I still feel like this whole year has been for nothing. I haven't learnt anything or at least it feels like it. What if that feeling doesn't shake off even after graduating?

One done, three to go.

Love,
Ambivalent

Pause.

"I can't wait for graduating! Then I can go to Thailand and start doing my own thing.

I can't wait for my own hair to grow back! Then I can dye my hair again."

I hear myself talking like that too many times. I'm waiting for something, so I can do something I want. I can't enjoy this time, because I'm wanting something else. I'm living in on-hold-mode. I have paused my life to accomplish something. Is that even possible and why am I doing it?

Most people around me says "you have to follow your dreams". I know that. I know that I should follow my bliss, I should get out there - get truly lost and find my own way. I should wander around, see the world in my own way. But instead of that, I'm studying in university of applied sciences. 

I have built-in sense of responsibility. Quite strong one. Some voice inside of me says, that I have to go to school, I have to get that degree. I don't know why, because I don't believe I'll ever in this field. I just don't believe my path will lead me to engeneering work. But you never know. 

Because of that voice in my head I feel resbonsible to go to school. 

I'm studying, but it doesn't feel like I'm living my life. This is just some phase, something extra that doesn't belong to my path. Detour. Something I have to do, even though I'm not quite sure why. I know no one is making me do this. No one is saying "you have to go to school". It's me whose resbonsibility it is to pause my life and study. 

Why studying doesn't feel like part of my life? 

Love,

Ambivalent

You are never really awake

I have been really tired lately. Exhausted. I walk towards evening, I perform my duties and wait for the night. You are never really asleep. You are never really awake. I'm just a ghost wandering around.

It feels like everything is blurred. I know I have been in school. I know I have been working. I know I have seen my friends. I know I have lived. I know I'm alive - but it doesn't feel like it. I have lived in the fog. What kind of life is that?

I'm never really asleep, so I'm never truly awake.

I can't sleep at home. Somehow I can't fully relax there. Dark thoughts, chaos everywhere, restless mind. Luckily I have Ted. At least one place where I can actually relax and sleep - even without pills.

Love,
Ambivalent

Fever dreams

I have had the most beautiful, fearsome, terrifying and magnificent dreams. Not even sure which ones has been dreams. I have learnt quite much, even though I don't remember half of it anymore. I have fought against demons, I have experienced how it feels to suffocate. I have been pregnant, I have been a man. This week I have done so much - without getting up.

I have had fever, quite high fever. I haven't been able to get out of the bed, but my imagination had gone crazy. It has been interesting and I wish I could paint so I could show you, what I have seen. I wish I could write better so I could share my thoughts.

Tomorrow I have to get back to reality and I hope I'm going back to right world.

Love,
Ambivalent

Her mind was torn up with desire

One of my favorite blog writers were asked about dating advices and she told her best dating advice. She said that she can give only one, because it's the only one she knows right know. She's still learning, like everyone of us.

She said "go into yourself". Go deep into yourself. Get to know yourself. Recognize your habbits, thought patterns and those little destructive or good ways of living. Everyone has their own. If you don't deal with them, you will end up doing same mistakes over and over again.

You have to look inside of you, meet your demons. Open all the knots and be true to yourself. That's the most important thing to do. You don't want your relationship to become only one extra playfield in your life.

I think this goes hand in hand with sentence you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. I have always thought that I know what it means, but I have been so wrong. I have started to understand these things lately, in different way than before. I have a long way to go, but at least I have started my journey.

I have started to recognize some of my issues. I have realized how I go around and around in my life. I repeat certain things, do things only one way. It's good to know these things, because it's impossible to grow as a person, if you don't know yourself.

The scariest and hardest part will be when I have to meet my own demons.

Love,
Ambivalent

Only one week

Spain was awesome as you know. Red was as gorgeous as always, she made my vacation even better. She reminded me how much I can do, how much I can be. She reminded me that this is even more beautiful world than I believed.

One week and so much happened. I spent 140 euros and got three big bags full of clothes. I saw flamenco show, travelled by taxi, train and bus. Walked around everywhere. I saw the zoo, there were so many lovely animals and they seemed happier than animals in other zoos.

I helped Red to get a new apartment and oh, how wonderful apartment we found! It's just perfect for her. So much light and pure awesomeness. We moved during nights and by taxi. Taxi driver smiled at us and asked if we are moving. He seemed happy for us, even though he didn't know us at all.

People in Spain were generally really nice and helpful. Even if they didn't know you, everyone was ready to help. And I'm not talking only about Spanish people - everyone was nice, no matter what nationality you were.

We spent one day in Malaga also, saw absolutely magnificent dresses, humorist bands. I just wish I could have understood what they were singing. We saw nightlife in Malaga, drank cheap drinks and got in the nightclub for free. Went to bed earlier than everyone else, we could hear party noises many hours after going back to our sweet hostels.

We also went partying in Fuengirola and oh boy, one fishbowl too much for me! We danced, met many people and I bet there are at least 20 people who has our photo in their phones. Spanish people were crazy about taking photos. Maybe it was because without photos, no one would remember what happened.

One week and I feel like I have lived more than I have lived in last two months. It's just different life. Red got her first smart phone ever, I got my second tattoo. Tattoo to remind me about this phase of my life. I don't want to forget this.

Love,
Ambivalent

Beautiful world.

I'm in love. Again. And I think this won't ever change. Is it okay, if I don't go back?

This week has been so awesome and everything has happened. It's weird how much can happen in only one week. I promise, I will tell you everything as soon as possible! World, life and you are truly magnificent.

Love,

Ambivalent

You'll be there

What would you do if the person you love says he's found the love of his life and he's starting to date? This would mean you can't hang around as much as you use to do, he won't have time for you like he use to have. You won't be the sweet inseparable couple, who's always together. You would know that he's still in your life, he won't disappear - but at the same time everything would change.

You know everything will change and you won't be able to go back. You can't do things differently and after all, this is what you have wished for all the time. That he finds someone to love, someone who can actually be there for him and offer everything he needs. You have wished him to be happy. and all this time you have known, you can't make him happy.

Even though you have massive beliefs about yourself, you know you don't have any impact in his life anymore. You don't matter anymore, but it's okay because you know he's much happier with someone else. You will always be there for him, if he needs you. But you also know that the times, when he was there for you, are over.

But after the first shock, after realizing you are going to lose him, you know it's for the best. You are deeply happy for him and you know it's your time to let go. You'll say "let's be friends" even though you have a feeling it won't work between you two. You still hope it'll work, because you are good friends and that fact won't change, even if the form changes.

You are just happy for him.

Love,
Ambivalent

Life is good

Warm sun, smiling faces, soft wind. Life is good.

Spain is awesome. Travelling is awesome. I feel so comfortable here. The mist around my head is gone, I see everything clearer. This feels home.

I have heard that travelling is escaping. It might be true, even though I don't want to think that I'm running away. I don't feel like I'm escaping. But somehow it happens everytime abroad. I see everything clearer. I can think and talk, I can feel my true feelings. I know what I want.

And it feels so good. It's so rare for me to actually know what I want. It's rare to feel lucid.

Love,
Ambivalent

Can you see the light?

"January was dark and cold. It was full of sadness and sorrow. It felt like I had raining clouds over my head, I wanted to crawl under a rock. Nothing special happened, but there wasn't any feeling at all. No bad nor good. It was just time of emptiness.

But now.. Now I'm back. Clouds have disappered and I can see the light again. I feel so alive, I have energy and I believe in myself. Dancing in the streets, being pure love, I can't stop smiling! "

I have been opening this entry many times now, I have been trying to write this over a week. I have written a few words, but I can't find the right words for this feeling. I wish you could see inside of my head. You could understand what I'm talking about.

I can't consentrate, my mind goes its own way - I try to keep up, but sometimes I fail. Like right now. My mind would go much further than my body allows. My body decided it's time to rest a little bit. It's okay, because in five days I'll be in Spain with Red. It's better rest now.

I feel so good and I love all of you.

Love,
Ambivalent

Ghosts from the past

He called me middle of the night. It has been about one year. About year ago he disappeared. Stopped calling, stopped answering me - he disappeared from my life and I understood it. I knew it was best for him. I was holding him from getting what he wanted. And he made his choice.

"This is really bad idea. I'm not suppose to call you. 

I have promised I won't call you. But I miss you. Really much."

Yeah. I know that. I have missed him too. We had really good relationship, we were so alike. I was able to understand his feelings, his thoughts and I knew exactly what he was talking about. He had strong opinions and he wasn't afraid to show them. 

"Why do you have to be so lovely?

I like you so much,

but I also fucking hate you.

You are an asshole."

I know and I told him that. In the beginning I told not to fall in love. I told I tend to disappear, I told no one is staying in my life for long. I'm difficult personality, really dissonant and it will take quite much to handle me. Especially if you get too close. 

"Please. Tell me that there's no change for us.

Make it clear, say I have to go."

And so I told him. I fucking hate goodbyes.

Love,

Ambivalent

These colors wade to gray.

Time flies, life moves on in periods. I would love to say that life goes in circles, it would mean that you can get back the earlier phase. But it doesn't work like that. Nothing lasts forever and everything changes. You can't go back. And in many ways, that's a relief. 

You can choose where you want to go next. You can choose what do you do with your life.

Lately I have been in quite weird period. I call it the school-period. I can't think anything else than school, I can't do anything if it doesn't have something to do with school. I have spent many weekends just reading and doing homeworks, I have had meetings - but they are kind of school stuff too. I don't know how to do something else. I don't have any intrest to go out dancing, see my friends or anything. Of course it's always nice to see friends, but I don't remember how to be a social. I can't enjoy anything. I just can't remember how to do something else than school stuff. 

Luckily I know this is only one kind of period. Like every other periods, it will pass. This won't last forever. Soon I will be able to change this. 

Maybe in winterbreak I can relax. Few weeks and I'll fly to Oslo for a weekend and then to Spain! Little over week with Red, it'll be awesome. 

Love,

Ambivalent

Cleaning isn't for me, but I take a challenge.

As you know I decided I'm gonna throw everything I don't need away during this year. To make sure I won't forgot to do so, I have started it. 

Everyone who has ever visit my apartment knows how little I care about cleanness. They have seen all the mess, clothes, cat hair , dirt everywhere. I know I should clean more often, but it has been really difficult for me for a long time now. 

I have found a way to explain it to others. It's like my apartment is my head. If my head is fuzzy or messy inside, it means my apartment is messy too. If my head is clear - my apartment is clear too. Those two must be in same level. I'm not sure why, but right now it needs to be like that. 

But I decided to challenge myself. I'm going to clean a little bit everyday for 30 days. It doesn't have to be anything big, something like taking trash out is enough for me. Why I do this? Because I can't throw anything away if my apartment isn't clean before that. 

So now it's official. Now everyone knows about my challenge, so maybe I manage to do it. 

Actually I started yesterday. I wash my clothes and towels, I picked up every trash I had in house - and believe me, there were quite much.. Today I vacuumed and washed the floors. I have a feeling that this is like second or third time I washed floors here. I also begun to go throw my stuff. I had 9 big bags full of everything - now there is only 3 left. Yay me! 

Nothing more today. 

Love,

Ambivalent

I'm such a cliché.

People tend to make promises in New Year's Eve, promise how they will change or what they will do next year. For many years I haven't made any promise, because.. well - it had seemed stupid. Why would I make promises only in the beginning of new year? It's not that different day. 

This year I'm going to be such a cliché. I'm few days late, but I'll make a promise for this year. I won't promise to become better person, or be happier. I won't promise to quit my bad habits like smoking and drinking. I won't promise to stress less, work out more or anything like that. I could make promise to get my head back on track, I could make promise to see my friends more. 

All of those are really good promises and well.. actually I'm trying to do most of them all the time. My promise is kind of boring, but it's okay. It's only for me.

Some of you know that I hate having so much stuff in my apartment. It makes me extremely anxious. Last year could spend hours in my bed, because I didn't know what to do to all those things. I want to get rid of almost everything, but I'm really bad at letting go. 

I don't need most of the these things. I have gathered boxes and bags around my apartment. They are full of stuff that doesn't have any place to go. They are useless, but I can't throw them away. I don't know how to do it. 

But this year I'll learn it. I'll learn how to get rid of things I don't need. I'll finally become free from stuff I don't need. One year might be too short time for learning whole new thinking pattern, but I'll try it. So my promise will be I'll go through all of my stuff and throw away everything I don't need. Deadline is end of this year. 

Love,

Ambivalent

My year 2013

Time goes fast and one year ago I wrote about my year 2012. It had been quite crazy year and last year hasn't been any different. Everything has happened, I have grown up and changed a lot. It has been truly awesome year.

Last year started by my cat getting sick. It wasn't that fun and I had few quite rough months. Luckily he got better. I went to see Fighter to Latvia, spent weekend there and had awesome time. It was so good to see him! Some day I'll go back. Or maybe he will come here too. Visit me instead.

My friendship with Ted started to grow, his bed became my safe place. Place where I go whenever I need it. Before travelling to Iceland, everything went blurry. Days mixed together, I couldn't think of anything. It was the time when my mood swings were quite bad.

Then I travelled to Iceland with Red. We had road trip, we shared something no one will ever understand. We will never be the same. I met Dancing boy and he changed my life, he was the turning point. I can see it quite clear now. After that trip I became life again. I felt so alive, loved everyboby and everything.

"You two are so funny. You seem like lovers and at the same time you are some kind of superfriends."
Still makes me smile.

Next few months were full of mood swings, I was restless, happy, sad, over-joyed, depressed, unable to consentrate on anything.. It was awesome, but heavy time. I also applied to school. And I got in! Before school I went to Interrail. I spent three weeks travelling around Europe, met so many new awesome people. I learnt so much, more than you readers might know. During Interrail I wrote more than  few last months together - but it was my way to experience things. That trip changed me, again.

After that trip and after the beginning of the school - I haven't have time to write that much. There has been so much going on my mind and life, but I haven't be able to share it with you. Last few months has gone by so fast and I don't know what to think about that.

Last year was so awesome, it tought me so much. My friendships with Red and Ted grow bigger, they have been two main character in my year. Also ofcourse my friend from school - the boy who seems so much like Dancing boy.

I hope this year will be at least as awesome as last year.

Love,
Ambivalent