Stimulate my consciousness

Close your eyes, open your mind up to the sky. Smile and fly to your own world. To your own imaginary universe. Disappear from this reality. Go and make yourself happy.

Or maybe you are usually in your own world and sometimes, just for a moment - one brief moment, you become one with this reality. You can feel everything around you, see everything even without opening your eyes. You hear people breathing. Hear them moving, smiling, touching each other.

You have become part of this world, you are fully conscious about everything. You know the past and future, but it doesn't matter - you know that only this moment matters. Just smile, because you are finally in the right place.

And then it disappears again. The connection is gone. You fell back to normality, but it doesn't matter. Now you know, there's more. You know you can be part of this reality. You can trust this world.

Love,
Ambivalent

You should look back twice, just to be on the safe side.

After first semester as a college (or university, I'm not sure which one this is) student, I have to admit - I love studying. I love to learn new things, to get grades, to be important part of our school. I absolutely love to be a student.

But you know, this school isn't good for my mental health. There isn't such a school that could be good for me. I don't know how to not stress about everything. How to trust it's okay if I don't get perfect grade from every exam. How to be less perfectionist.

I have never learnt it. In every school I have been part of student board, tutoring or something. I don't know how to let those things go. Because I love being tutor, I love to influence. I don't even want to stop doing my thing.

The thing is that I'll lose my mind if I do everything I want. I want to be perfect, I want to be part of almost everything. In fact I kind of need to be part of everything so I can please all sides of me. But it will eventually drive me crazy. Crazier than I already am.

Love,
Ambivalent

I can face the day.

Whole November went without writing. So many things have changed and yet - nothing. I'm still living my life as usual, sometimes I love everything and some other day it takes 4 hours just to get out of bed. I haven't cleaned my apartment since my birthday. ..Wait, is it really that long, I can't believe that..

Anyway. I have been studying quite lot lately, because I have exams coming next week. I got elected to the board of representatives, international tutor and also to "the partyteam", which is organising all those student's events. On top of those I'm supposed to work and study. Apparently I'm gonna have quite busy year. And I love it!

I know I tend to collect too many things to do and then I end up stressing about everything. This time I have been trying my best not to take everything. I have taken only quite easy tasks. Hopefully. Right now this fuss and busy make me feel alive. And it's so amazing.

Maybe I just start studying again.

Love,
Ambivalent

There's thin line between friendship and partnership.

Everyone seems to be aiming at partnership. They try to find the one person, who is perfect for you, who fits in your personality. The one who makes your life whole. The one who is something different than friend, yet she's supposed to be your best friend at the same time.

I have been thinking about partnerships and friendships. Relationships. I know there are something different between friends and partners. Something that makes someone so special, something that tells them apart. But what is that thing? What makes the difference?

I know it's not sex, definitely not sex. Because in that case I would have been dating most of my friends. And usually the longer relationship the less sex they have. At least that's what I have heard.
In my past relationships there haven't been sex. Of course a little bit, because it's something you are supposed to do with your partner. It's normal, because when else people would be having sex. For me it sounds crazy to want and have sex with your partner, but I think it's because I have been with wrong people.

It could be the fact how close the person is to you. The closer the person is to you, the more likely you are in partnership. It doesn't work like that, since usually friends are way closer than your partner. Your friends are the persons who have been there for you every time you need them. They have given you the comfort, helped you whenever you have needed. They haven't gone anywhere even if you haven't talked with them in few years. Your friends have always been there, they haven't gone anywhere. Friendships last longer.

I find it kind of silly to say you are in partnership, if it doesn't actually make any difference. Or if it does, it makes something "less" than friendship. Why would anyone want to be in relationship that's shorter, less intimate, less passionate than friendship?

The best explanation I have heard this far is "the X factor". There are nothing special in that person who you want to date, it's all the same as your other friends. But there's some random x-factor that makes it partnership instead of friendship. Now I just need someone to explain me what that x-factor is.

So can you please explain me, what makes the difference between friends and partners?

Love,
Ambivalent

Individuals

I look at him and I can't get over it. He smiles the same way. He has the same look in his eyes. He says exactly the same things. His body language is the same. The way he walks. The way he touches his hair, the way how he looks at me. He is the same.

And it's kind of freaky. To see other version of Dancing boy. Of course they are not the same, but I can see so much of Dancing boy there. He has the ability to see through other people, but he's still little bit insecure to trust himself and the fact it really works. He might not even care to have that ability, he's not that interested about other people. But I know he has the ability and he would be so damn good if he would have little bit effort.

He could tell what's in my mind just by looking me. He could see inside of me, if he just dare to believe. Believe his instinct. Trust his heart.

I don't know how am I supposed to react, what should I do. Because they are not the same person, even though they feel like it. They are two completely separate individuals. I should treat them as individuals. But it's so weird, and sometimes I forgot he's not Dancing boy.

Love,
Ambivalent

No one's gonna take my soul away

I have started at least 5 different posts lately. And never managed to write more than few sentences.

I have written about anger which wipes out everything good. It destroys smiles, it turns light to darkness. How everything pisses me off. About happiness which flows through me. Evenings when I fell asleep smiling, disappearing in the music. Nights when I wake up all lights still on.

I have written about my school, my new friends there. How I want to remember everything, but I forget everything after few days. How everything becomes blurry so easily, but how everything is also so bright. How I have been studying - me, who doesn't have any motivation for studying.

I have been trying to write about what I have learn lately, how I have seen the change in me. I'm lost and yet I'm not. I know exactly where I am and where I want to go, and at the same time - I know nothing. How I have found strange link with weird people and it's as scary as always. Found people who think same strange things, people who understand your thoughts.

I have been wanting to write so much, I have been trying so much - and this is all I can do.

Love,
Ambivalent

Simply amazing

Last night I fell asleep thinking only thing. 

This life is amazing. 

I don't know how to describe this feeling. I can't find the right words. 

Late nighs, only a little bit sleep. New people, deep conversations. Lying on the floor, lying on the bed with random guys and laughing at the stupidest things. Drinking way too much, disappearing from friends, getting new friends. Holding hands with your love ones, softly singing "we can't look at each other in the way we reveal the truth.. what if we do fall in love after all? If in the beginning we were created as one"

This life is truly amazing. 

Come on, make me feel until the pain don't matter

Every second here makes my heart beat faster

Finally think I found what I'm chasing after.

Love,

Ambivalent

Everybody wanna live your life

Only wanna do the things you do

'Cause they always gonna turn out right

My school has started. It has been really nice, I have met so many new people - too bad I'm always working after work, so I don't have time to get known them. Luckily there are student parties, where we can hang and drink together. 

I can't stay still. I have been on the move since I got home from Oslo. School - work - school - work - drinking - school - work - school -work - seeing friends - work - school.. And everyone seems to think that it's exhausting. Of course there are days when you don't want to do anything. But I think, this busy schedule is one of the reasons why I feel so good. 

The problem is the days when I don't have anything. Days when I don't have anything planned, anything to do. I don't have to go anywhere, no one can hang with me. It gives me a chance to just be. And then it hits. I can't remember how to just be.  I don't know how to sleep long nights, how to stop my legs moving. I don't remember how to lie in the bed and enjoy it. 

That's the time when I get nervous - I don't want to be in one place. I can't be still, I can't concentrate. I'm restless. I'm Duracell bunny. 

And the world is still amazing.

Love,

Ambivalent

Because the world is beautiful

Three weeks, eight countries.

Love,

Ambivalent

A way back home

It's always weird to come back. Realize that it's over, it's time to go home. This trip has been awesome, I have experienced so much, learnt new things about the world and of course about myself. I believe I'm little bit closer being the person I want to be. Baby steps.

When I started this trip I was extremely nervous. More nervous than I have ever been before travelling. I had problems with concentrating and I was afraid that I won't be able to concentrate when I'm travelling. That I end up doing nothing, because I can't keep my attention on anything longer than one minute.

I was totally wrong. During this trip I have been more sensible, reasonable, wiser. I have been able to think, write, talk with people. I have been in this reality more than last four month. I was kind of surprised, how is it possible.

But when you think about it, it's not that weird. I love travelling, it makes me feel like home. It's only natural if it's easier for me to be and live.

Now I'm losing it again. I'm getting more and more restless, I can't concentrate on anything. My thoughts are jumping from one to another and it's hard to keep up. But it's okay. 

Love,

Ambivalent

..your own reality

Reality is funny thing. You can never be sure what is real and what's not. You see people next to you, you talk with them and they agree with you that sky is blue, leafs are green or house in front of you is white. Or what ever.

How can you be sure that those people are real and you are sharing the same reality? What if they are just part of your imagination? Your own way to make yourself to believe this is real. I could go quite deep with this, but I won't. Let's just assume that the reality is what majority of people believes to be real.

So what do you do, when your reality doesn't match with majority?

When you have ability see things that most of the people doesn't see, when you hear things other ones doesn't. When you see colours and lights brighter, when you can understand other's feelings even if they don't say anything. When you love the feeling of hot asphalt in your feet, rain in your face. When you don't care about the pain.

You try to find people who share the same reality with you. People who see things like you, who values same things, who believes you are right.

And when you find those people, in one way - you become part of the majority. Which means that your reality just became true.

Love,

Ambivalent

You create..

Sometimes it feels like I'm living on different reality than others. I'm on my little world, feeling all those emotions, thinking of all those thoughts, seeing all those things. I'm there and when I try to explain them to others, no one seems to understand what I mean.

I find this normal world quite boring. Still I have to be here, because that's what people do. Even if they don't like it, even if they would be so much happier somewhere else.

And what's keeping me? Fear.

Fear is really powerful weapon. It can stop you doing the things you love, it can hold you back. But it can also give you so much power. It's okay to be scared. You just can't let it take control. You have to learn how to live with it.

I don't know how. I don't know how to take the biggest step, how to take a risk. How to jump without knowing what's coming. I'm a control freak and I hate it.

I want to be the person Dancing boy saw in me.

I want to be the person Red sees in me.

I want to be the person Ted sees in me.

I want to be the person who I'm with those people.

Love,

Ambivalent

Why does it feel so odd?

My trip is near to its end. I have been on train 18 hours now and I just changed my train in Copenhagen. In few hours I should arrive in Göterborg, where I change my train again and then I'll be on my way to Oslo.

I should arrive there after 28 hours travelling. Which is the longest time I have spent on this trip to get one place to another.

I really want to write, because now I have time. But my brain says no. For some reason I don't know what should I write. It shouldn't be this hard. It wasn't this hard earlier. I knew exactly what I want to write, what I want to tell you. What I want to remember. Now I just don't know.

Maybe it's because I'm ending my trip soon and I can feel it. There won't be any partying anymore, there won't be any life-changing experiences. I'm going to spent time with my aunt, relax, eat well and talk. It's awesome, but it's different than travelling.

Or maybe it's because my school starts soon. Even though I don't want to think about it yet, I have few days left on my vacation, but it's starting to get me. I feel like my mind is getting ready for the fact that in few days I'm gonna be a student. Again.

Of course I have known that I'm gonna be a student soon, but now I'm actually starting to realize it. There are so many things I have to do before my school starts! Like fill up many papers, get pencils, find my calculator, wash all my clothes.. Funny thing is that I'm going home on night between Monday and Tuesday. Then on Tuesday I have doctors appointment around one o'clock, if I remember right. Before that I have to go to the school and let them know that I accept that school place. And then in the Tuesday evening I have work until nine.

Next few days after that will be school -work -school – work – school – work, work, work. I'm waiting for that enthusiasticly!

Love,

Ambivalent

ps. OMG, I just saw drug dog! You know - those trained dogs who smell your bag and start barking if there's drugs or something. In the train. It was kinda awesome. I have never seen one before.

It feels like coming home.

Netherlands and Amsterdam – always so beautiful and lovely. When I stood in Amsterdam, I remembered again how much I love that place. It's something unique, something special.

Almost two years ago I met two awesome guys in Amsterdam. We partied, visited museums and stuff like that. We became good friends, but because of the distance, we haven't seen each other for a long time.

And still, when we met again – everything was so natural. We went out and had few drinks, they are the same idiots they were last time. We didn't need to rush anywhere, everything was there. I was little bit sick and tired after all travelling, but it was okay. I enjoyed spending time with them so much they can't even imagine it.

My hostel wasn't that good, but it was only for sleeping. I went to Pub Crawl and discovered that I have been drinking so much in one week that it's kind of hard to get drunk. I had awesome time, friendly people, dancing and drinking. Still I wasn't drunk at any point even though almost everyone else was.

Walking without shoes – again. It gets easier and easier everytime. I tried to disappear in the music, but it was also impossible when there was always someone saying ”you should keep your eyes open, they are so beautiful”. I had only few moments when I succeed to disappear - only for a short moment. I start to remember why I like going out alone.

Love,

Ambivalent

You need to know the right people

Next morning I arrived to Berlin.

What could I say.. Sleeping, partying, pure lazyness. I was absolutely one of the worst tourists there, because I didn't go sightseeing at all. Of course I knew there is quite much to see, like the Wall Monument, some museums and of course awesome graffities.

I was too lazy to go anywhere. Maybe that's okay, I still have time to go back to Berlin someday and do all the tourist stuff. I just wasn't that into it right now, so I thought there's no reason to force myself to go there. Maybe next time.

I went Berlin to see its crazy nightlife. I picked totally wrong days, Sunday and Monday aren't that good party days in Berlin. Especially if you don't know where to go. You need a local who knows the right places, who can get you in almost everywhere. I didn't have that so.. Nightlife in Berlin was kind of disappointing.

After Krakow I assumed Berlin would be much crazier, dancing everywhere, having fun all the time. But if you want to have a good party in Berlin, you have to know the right people. Pub Crawl there wasn't worth of it, bars and clubs weren't good and way too expensive for me.

But I had fun. I partied with one girl from belgium and it was so awesome. She doesn't usually party that much, but we kind of clicked. We got along so well, we could talk about everything and everyone assumed that we know each other before. But no, we were breakfast buddies! And somehow that girl reminded me about my cousin. It was kind f weird, but maybe that's one of the reasons why it was so comfortable to be with her.

Right now I'm sneezing all the time and I have a feeling I have fever. Not much but little bit. This illness has been coming for few days already, but I won't let it stop me. I have only few days left in this trip and then I'm going to Oslo to see my lovely aunt and rest before school and work starts.

Time goes too fast.

Love,

Ambivalent

Random things

I'm too lazy to write about Auschwitz. It was impressive, but it wasn't so powerful experience I expected. Everyone, who has been there, has said it's really hard and heavy experience, that you need to talk about it later. But I didn't get that feeling. That makes me wonder – how cold person am I.

Anyway. After Krakow I went back to Vienna, for couple hours. I was too sleepy to fully enjoy it, so I jumped on the train to München. München was too expensive for me, like whole Germany. Everyone who says that drinking in Germany is cheap is lying. It was about the same as home.

I met one boy from Pakistan in München. It was so nice! We met randomly in metro station and started to talk. First he was only showing a way to right station, but we ended up spending all day together. We went sightseeing a little bit, talked about almost everything and in the end of the day he gave me box of chocolate so I would remember him better.

I think these random meetings with random people are one of the best things about travelling. I have met so many new people, so many unique personalities. I learn something new all the time, I get new friends all over the world. I think at least few of these new friends will stay in my life.

Love,

Ambivalent

btw, did you know that in Pakistan they have four seasons at the same time? You know, in some part they have summer and in the other one is winter. That's kind of cool.

I got in!

I'm starting studying end of this month!

 Can you believe it? 

I'm actually going to study.

 After two years. 

I'm so shocked. 

This situation need a drink. Big one.

Love,

Ambivalent

Are you ready?

First night we had Vodka Tasting night. Which meant shots, shots, shots! For everyone! All the time. If I left the table for a while, I had to drink big shot when I came back. Luckily I know how to drink, so it wasn't problem for me. After drinking at the hostel, we went Pub Crawling. First night with girl hosts, second night with boy host.

Personally I liked more girl's choices. They listened same kind of music as I do, so of course I liked the bars and clubs they picked. And yea, Pub Crawls are not the same everytime. They change the bars, they can choose their favorite places.

Girl's choose more techno places (or maybe it was only the last one, that made me feel so good), the boy chose more popular places. And the problem with popular places is that there's usually bad music. Music you can't dance well, you can't disappear.

But both nights were nice. In first night I was quite drunk, I have sent message to my friend which said ”I just walked on broken glass and I didn't even feel anything!” And of course I got lost when me and one guy from hostel were trying to find our way back to hotel. After a while, we just took a taxi. I have no idea, what time I got to the hostel. I was the last one in our room to get back.

Next morning I woke up and I was still drunk. I was planning to take free walking tours and stuff like that, but it took too long to get up. So I just relaxed.

The second night was more intimate. I ended up talking about depression middle of the night in McDonalds. I spent second night with the guy who holds the longest stay in party hostel – record. 18 nights. And of course it means 18 days drinking. Wow.

Anyway, this time I was bed around 5, which was quite well. I wasn't the last one to come back!

Next day I went to Auchwitz. But more about that later.

Love,

Ambivalent

You won't get away from party

Oh, amazing Krakow. I lost my heart to it. Or maybe it was because of the people I met there.

I was staying at Greg and Tom's Party hostel and it was the perfect choice for me. I would recommend it to almost anyone. If you want to get new friends, if you are ready to party – this is your place.

First thing, and maybe the most useful, you get there, is a wristband. In party hostel it's silver, beer hostel gold. The wristband says your hostel name and address. So if you get too drunk, or just get lost – you can just take a taxi, show it to him/her and you will be on your way to your hostel! Really easy and absolutely brilliant. It also helps you to recognise who is from you hostel and who's not.

When I arrived to my room, one of my roommates said hello right away and we started to talk. And it happened with everyone! You can't feel lonely there, because everyone is like one big family. You are always welcome, everyone is ready to help you.

You get free breakfast and dinner there, just remember to be on time. Sometimes everyone are hungry as hell and there won't be food for you if you come even ten minutes later. So make sure you are there. Because the food is good, it's not gourmet food, but it's made with love. I really appreciate when I get everything at the same price.

Of course Greg and Tom organises Pub Crawls. I had never been in one, but I'll definitely go again. Now I really know, it's pretty awesome way to get known to new city. Hopefully there's Pub Crawl in Berlin too.

Since this post ended up being only about the hostel – I'm gonna stop here and make another post about what I actually did in Krakow.

Love,

Ambivalent

It's hard to remember

I'm getting over the loneliness I had in Praha. I arrived to Warszawa, spent there few hours. And now I'm on my way to Krakow. Tom and Greg's party hostel. That's something I can't wait. I hope it's as good as people are saying.

About Warszawa. It was quite interesting place. Old buildings next to tall, shiny buildings. Historic scenes, right next to glass buildings. The contrast of things was amazing. In first look, it seem a little bit like Helsinki.

I have started to realize that many cities are quite similar. Or maybe I just get confused, because I have been changing the location so often. I can't remember which city had the best public transportation, they are starting to get mixed together.

Even if many cities are the same, I want to see as many as I can. Because they also have their differences, those small things that makes it beautiful. Something unique. Some places take more time to find them, some less. But they are there. You just need to open your eyes.

Sometimes I forget to do that.

Love,

Ambivalent

and yes, this has been written yesterday.

When loneliness gets into you

After spending night with those French guys, after we talked about seeing each other – I was kind of dissapointed when we didn't meet after all. They seemed really nice and - like boys usually – really easy-going and relaxed.

I think this was the first time, when I felt a little bit lonely. I was looking forward to spent time with them and when it didn't happen, I realized that I'm all alone. I wanted to talk with someone, but I was too lazy to start a conversation with anyone. I wanted to go to bar and have drink, but when I tried to do it alone – I realized my ID is in my other bag. And there wasn't anyone who would laugh with me.

You know, first I got little bit scared because feeling lonely. I felt like it's somehow forbidden to feel lonely. I'm travelling alone, so I should never feel alone! I'm a bad traveller if I feel any ”bad” feelings.

But then I understood that it's okay to feel lonely, sad or dissapointed. There's nothing wrong about it. I'm allowed to have those feelings, it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. It just means that I would have loved to spend time with those guys, that I'm still working on how to react when plans are ghancing.

And it doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying my trip.

Love,

Ambivalent

City full of tourist stuff

Praha, Prague, Praga, Prag. You can call it with many names. But it's still the same.

So we arrived to Praha with those 5 French guy. Chilled in the station, had some breakfast and waited their hostel to open. I spent morning with them until they went to hostel to drop their stuff and probably sleep a little bit. I left my backpack in central railway station and started to explore the city.

I didn't know there was so many things to see! I went to the Castle and its garden, I walked on Charles Bridge, took photos of musicians in Old Town Square. Walked around in Jewish quarter, tried to find supermarket in Wenceslas Square. Took photo of Dancing House.

I probably saw much more, but I just didn't know them to be something tourist stuff.

I laid down in the grass, had picnic, talked to new people. Smoked way too many cigarettes. Had interesting conversations with my host. Travelled to the north part of Praha, had excellent sleep. Took long hot shower, washed my hair and realized it has turned blue during this trip.

My host was awesome and talked so good English. He could even make jokes in English! I mean, many people make jokes in English, but usually you can't be sure if it was a joke or not. Especially when you have just met. But this guy – he could joke and I still understood when he was joking or being sarcastic.

I also managed to lose my phone charger, toothbrush and one sock – all of them in one day. Sad but true. Luckily those were the first things I have lost in this trip.

Love,

Ambivalent

Night at train

I'm not sure if anyone of you noticed that in last post, it was kind of hard to keep mind in one thing. But it was. It was because I'm writing after Praha. I have usually written right after leaving the country, so I have everything fresh in my mind. But this time it was impossible.

Because at the night train from Budapest to Praha, I was sleeping at the same cabin with 5 Frech guys. So of course we wanted to talk, get to know each other and everything. That trip was awesome!

First of all – have you ever put your head out of the window of the train? I have. Third of me was out of the train and that feeling was something unbelievable. The wind in my face, the freedom. I couldn't stop smiling.

After enjoying the speed, we started to talk. We drank beer and talked. Smoked at the back of the train. At the end we had like 3 hours sleep. But it was worth of it. I really liked spending time with those guys. We were planning to spent some time together in Praha, but it never happened. More about Praha later!

Love,

Ambivalent

I fell in love with Budapest!

It was so beautiful city, public transportation worked like a dream and it was easier to use than I thought at first sight. Finding a hostel was little bit hard, because the one where I was planning to go wasn't where its supposed to be. And when I found WiFi, I found out it was already full.

So I had to find a new hostel. Luckily I found one, but it also meant that I was late from Sziget.

Sziget – what a wonderful festival. Beautiful colours, wonderful people and happenings everywhere. I saw dragon made of plastic bottles, Colosseum. Happy people, drunk people, people on drugs.

I missed Dub FX, but it's okay. The festival itself was worth of going. I went to see Mika and after that I was mainly at the Party Stage. As you may have noticed, I have thing for electric music right now.

But the best place where I visit was some place with soft sand. You can imagine how amazing it was! Dancing without shoes, sand getting everywhere. There was one blond girl. About my age. And she danced with me all the time I spent there. I wish I had her number.

I spent most of my time with three men and one woman. They were awesome! We danced a lot, drank and talked. I disappeared into the music again and one of them told me, that I seemed like I was on drugs when I was dancing. It's nothing new, normally people say that I seem like I'm on ecstasy, but this time I was told that it seemed more LSD or macig mushrooms. Seriously, have I gotten that bad?

Love,

Ambivalent

Why do you travel so much?

And why do you do it alone?

Many people has asked me that. It's usually the people, who doesn't travel that much or people, who haven't travelled alone. They want to know what am I trying to escape, why abroad – why isn't your own country enough. How can I afford to travel that often. How am I so brave to travel alone!

Like Red always says – it's not about the money. Never let money to stop your dreams. It's never about the money. You'll always find away to collect the money – at least if you are from western country. If the money is the only thing in your way, you have to ask you – do you really want to do it so badly or is money just excuse for you.

One of the reasons why I travel so much is that it makes me feel alive. And all of you know how badly I want to feel alive, how much I need it. It makes me live in this moment, forget everything else. It makes every second count.

The other reason is that I can concentrate better when I'm travelling. I see things more clearly. I haven't found a way to do that at home, so it's easier to take a little distance. I learn new things, about the world and myself. It helps me to be better me.

And of course the language. I like the idea that no one understands me if I talk my mother language. I also like when I don't understand what people are saying around me. It makes my imagination run wild and I love it! I get better inspiration for writing, as you can see.

So why do I travel alone. Because it's the only way I can truly relax. I like travelling with friends, being in Iceland with Red was so awesome. But it's different. When you are alone, you decide everything. You are responsible only for your own happiness. You don't have to worry about anyone else.

And that's why I travel alone. I need break from taking care of everyone else.

Probably most of you already know these things, because I have been talking about these. But this is more for myself. My brother used to travel and he loved it, nowadays he can't understand why people want to travel so much. So if I ever lose my love towards travelling, I want to be able to remember why I loved it so much.

Love,

Ambivalent

This is what dreams are made of

When you meet people who shares the same intrest, it's easier to talk about them. Like travelling and couchsurfing. Those are easy subjects to talk about. I have met so many couchsurfers during my trip – and it hasn't been even a week yet. We always have the same conversation with everyone.

Where have you been?

Where do you wanna go?

For some reason, talking about travelling dreams is easier than I thought. I have never actually talked about my dreams so clearly, I always say everywhere. I want to see everything, experience as much as I can. Get to known of small cultures, people all around of the world. I want to learn our difference and similarities.

Now I have an idea where I want to travel and how, when and which order. I have small plan inside my head and it's a start. It's like my dreams are building themselves.

Love,

Ambivalent

Make your own world

Have you ever listened people talking some language you don't understand and imagine what they are saying? I do that a lot and I think it's one of the most amazing things to do abroad.

One time in train, I was sitting next to three men. Two of them were little bit older than me, one was at least 40 something. Everyone of them was dressed diferently and I wouldn't guessed that they were travelling together if I haven't seen them to share computer and water. I listened them talking, they didn't talk that much. It was more about body language.

Some point there was some officer, talking to them. Of course I didn't understand anything, but it seemed like the officer was interested about those men's bags. The officer was pointing the bags with light and saying something. It felt like he wanted to see what's inside.

Somehow those men manage to talk their way out and convince the officer that he doesn't need to see inside of them. The officer left and those men seemed much more relaxed after that.

All I could think was  I'm sitting next to drug dealers.

Love,

Ambivalent

Goodbye Roma!

I have so much to tell! I would love to tell you everything, but there's no point of that. I can't explain what I have experienced so far, what I have seen, how everything changes you. How you fell in love for a second, how you realize that you just get along with someone better than someone else.

Roma. What could I say. It was nice, but not as amazing as I thought. 

In Roma I saw Vatican or part of it, Pantheon, Saint Angelo's Castle (outside) and Spanish steps. I had ice cream on Piazza Navona, made a wish at Fontana di Trevi, took photo on Clossoeum. I learned how to use metro and other public transportation – it was easier than I though. I didn't got robbed, even though everyone was warning me about how easily everyone gets robbed.

I learned much more about history, especially about Russian history. I had cheese and wine with Russians and realized that I have already met 4 Russian girls in this trip. Somehow I seem to get along with all of them quite nicely. My English pronunciation was appreciated. Especially when compared with italians.

In the end, I think Roma was nice, but overrated. Of course there was some ancient history and views were quite amazing most of the times. But it didn't give me feeling this is the place were I belong. I liked Sicily much more.

Love,

Ambivalent

ps. I will add photos as soon as I can. I will probably make one post for pictures only. 

And yea, I have a feeling that now on, I won't have time to write so much. But I write as much as I can and I'll probably post few post at the same time. Like today.

Random decision are the best ones

So I finally arrived to Roma.
I was planning to go to hostel, where H and S stayed when they were in Roma. I never made it there. It was 8 kilometres from centre. I arrived to Roma so late, that metros has stopped working. And I had no idea where the hell is the buss station I was supposed to go.

So I decided to go with a guy I met in the train.

We took the same train to Roma. And we started to talk each other during the trip. Or in fact he came to ask where am I going. It turns out that he is using couchsurfing and he has couch available on that night. After a little bit talking, I decided to go with him.

And I don't regret that decision. I ended up sleeping on the couch at the hotel where he worked. I slept there until his workday (or worknight) was over and then we went to his place. Around 12 I decided to start doing things and go out.

Note to myself – always book your trains (especially night trains) much earlier.

I waited for my ticket like 2 hour, just to find out that there are no seats left for that night. So I ended up spending one more night in Roma.

Luckily there was still room at my previous host, so I just went back. We went to meet two Russian girls, they were couchsurfers too. We went to see Spanish steps, Colosseum and just walked around. Of course our host had to go working at night, so we spent rest of the night just three of us.

And we got along so well!

”I'm so full of kissing and hugging!” Yea, I know what you mean. I know it's a culture thing, but they didn't kiss that much in Sicily. Or those two guys who I met on the ferry. This was something different. It was like – kiss when we meet first time, kiss and hug when someone leaves, kiss and hug when you're starting to collect your stuff, kiss and hugs when you leave. It happened so many times, it started to feel weird.

I think it's nicer in France, where you don't actually kiss someone their cheek (or at least that I have been told), you just give air kisses. In Italy they give actual kisses. I would understand if you give real kisses to those people you actually know. It's different between close friends and person you just met.

But it's culture difference. You just need to go with it.

Love,

Ambivalent

Time has different meaning here

I don't know how, but days seem longer than home. Maybe it's because I see something new all the time. It makes every minute count. I do more every day, I have been walking so much that my feet hurt like hell. But I'm happy. Extremely happy.

Bari was quick stop. I just went there, eat a little bit and jumped on the train.

Note to myself – always make sure do I need reservation for train. Yes, I jumped on the train that had compulsory reservation. Which meant that I jumped off the train middle of nowhere. In this case, it was Foggia.

I have never heard of that town. Never. I have no idea what's there, but I spent few hours there. I would have loved to walk around, but because of the sunburns in my feet – I couldn't. I tried to find farmacy, which I found, but of course it was closed. Damn me and my bad luck.

Foggia was full of men. I think like 80% of the people I saw, was men. It was weird. And akward, especially when I was wearing a top. You can imagine how much attention my boobs got. Luckily I had my towel to cover myself a little bit.

Anyway. I finally manage to get the train to Roma. I made a seat reservation, just in case. And still turned out that I had to sit on different seat, because of some italian family. They had 5 people sitting there, and I thought – okay, maybe I just leave them to be. Even though deep inside, I wanted to tell them to fuck off. I paid extra for that seat and didn't even manage to use it. But it's okay, at least I finally arrived to Roma.

Love,

Ambivalent

Corfu - Bari

Two days behind. Sunny days in Corfu, laying at beach, swimming in the ocean. I didn't remember how easy it was to float in the ocean, the salt made it so much easier than in the lakes. Small, clean streets, beautiful people everywhere. Dogs and cats walking between people, I won't ever get used to that. Small shops everywhere, open until 10 - 12 pm, because of the tourist. Supermarkets that are connect between different buildings, that's the only way to make even a little bit bigger markets.

Soft sand between toes, burning like hell. Warm water, it's not as refreshing as I hoped. Smiling like maniac, it feels like home. Listening people talking, I love how they speak english even though they could speak russian together. Learning so much about the world, I have been in my own bubble for so long time – I forgot how differently people think.

Sun burns around my body makes walking hard, moving hurts like hell. Note to myself: Never forget to put sunlotion. Never.

Running and waiting, running and waiting. No one knows when the ferry arrives or leaves. Finally gates open, check-in starts – where the hell is the ferry? Finally it comes and we get in. Ticket says ”Class : Deck”, never thought it would actually mean deck. So many people sleeping on the floors. Me and my companions pick a place and try to sleep. I envy those people with sleeping mattress.

Nightmares, my mind is definetly trying to compare itself to face diffucult situations. Right know I know exactly what I would do if my backpack would be stolen. Waking up middle of the by one of the companions - ”look at the sunset”. For a while, everything is so calm and beautiful. Until I fell asleep again.

Soon I'll arrive to Bari. And my andventure can continue again.

Love,

Ambivalent

Make me feel alive

Less than an hour and my little adventure will start. I can't believe I'm really going again. Whole vacation abroad, three weeks with small bag. Seriously, I took less things with me than I carry with me everyday at home. But I know I'll survive. I always do.

I try to keep you guys updated, but I can't promise that I have time to post.

Have fun and enjoy as much as I'll.
Here I go.

Love,
Ambivalent

You are nothing without me.

Don't only do everything possible in your life -

 do something impossible!

You have no idea how much that sentence made me smile. I have been stressing about my trip (yea, I know it's stupid to stress about it..) and that one simply thing made me feel so much better. Red, you are awesome.

The reason why I have been stressing is that I have a feeling like I should be making plans, that's something I always do. I need to know where I'm going, so I can tell everyone at home where I'm heading. So they can feel more secure. For some reason, travelling alone is still a taboo for many people. Deep inside they know I'm gonna survive and anything bad won't happen. But still they are little bit scared. That's only natural. And since they are scared - they make me feel insecure too.

Even though I have the feeling that I should be making plans, I'm extremely happy when I don't. Because I would really love to go with the flow. Follow my heart and see what happens. But I'm afraid that I'll run out of travelling days and that would suck.

And how could my traveling days run out? Because I'm planning to get InterRail Global Pass 10 days within 22 days. Which means I can travel 10 days during 22 days. I can pick any days, but those days are limited to ten. And it's not much, if you are planning to visit Romania (btw, it seems to be impossible to get out of Romania. I might skip that.), Bulgaria, Serbia or something. It's really hard to get away from there.

Only one workday left! Then my three weeks vacation starts. Awesomeness.

Love,
Ambivalent

There's no antidote

Impossible to write. Can't sit still. Impossible to clean. Can't do it properly. Impossible to make plans. Can't think further than today. Impossible to take care of school stuff. It's too much trouble to fill few papers. Impossible to make budget. I won't follow it anyway.

Impossible to concentrate on anything. I have many things to do, but I can't finish anything. I just lose my concentration too soon. I have been little bunny, jumping around. Whole week. Maybe longer, but this week has been worse than earlier.

Today I'll lose myself in the music. Jump until my feet hurt. Disappear from this world and take B with me.

There's a glitch inside my system

pushing through my whole existence

Got me twisted, can't resist this

Something's flipping all my switches

Take'em, breake'em, make'em feel it

Mix it up and mess up with it

Pressude is riding me hard

Killer dose right through my heart

And there's no antidote

Love,
Ambivalent

Countdown starts soon.

So I decided to go inter railing  this August. Even though I don't know do I have enough money. Or where am I heading or what I want to see. I trust that my heart tells me where to go. I prefer not to do so much plans - they tend to change all the time.

Right now I have some plans.
I picked the most suitable flight for me and this time - it was flight to Corfu, Greece on 4.8. I have never been in Greece, but I have heard it's really beautiful place. Especially the coast and islands. So I'm gonna go there for couple of days.

After that I'll probably head to Budapest and maybe go to Sziget festival. One of my old teachers told me about that festival and told that it's something different. It's really awesome, not only music but also many other things to do. And the atmosphere.. I wanna experience it!
But we'll see what happens. Sziget sounds awesome, but it my heart leads me somewhere else - I'll follow.

After that I have little less than two weeks open. Maybe Vienna (seriously, when did that change from Wien to Vienna?), then Praha or some place in Germany.. Or maybe first Slovakia, then Warsaw and then.. Okay, I don't have any ideas what to do.

And it's okay. At least I have some place to be and go and it's Norway. I'm planning to arrive there around 23.8, spent couple days there with my awesome aunt and uncle and then fly back home on 26.8.

And guess whose school starts 27.8? 

That's everything I have right now. But those are the most important things - I have flight tickets both ways, so now - all I have to do is to make the most of the time between them. Can't wait.

Love,
Ambivalent

Maybe I'll figure it out some day.

I realized today, I really need to change my thoughts about studying. Somehow. Because my thoughts about it are so wrong.

I'm gonna go to school, sit there four years and then I'm gonna go back to my old job. 

Are you serious, I have to do internship during summer? 

I can't work in supermarket on my vacations?

Wait, are you saying that I'm supposed to work on my own field after graduating?

That's insane.

I'm gonna work every day after school. And weekend too. 

Okay, maybe Wednesdays could be free, I need time to go student parties. 

I can't see myself working somewhere else. I like work, I like my boss, I like my co-workers. I love what I do. I enjoy being there. Still I'm going to study something else, even though I don't have any intention to work some other place. For some reason I have a feeling that I have to study, I need some education. After that I'm free to do whatever I want.

And no, I don't want to study economics either, because in my opinion -  it's just stupid. I already work on that field - why should I study more to do the same thing. Isn't that waste of time?

You see my problem with studying? 

For me studying is kind of stupid and insane because I can't see myself getting anything from it. I'm going to study and then hopefully return to full time job in supermarket. Studying for studying. Yea, almost makes sense.

But maybe I'll figure it out while studying.

Love,

Ambivalent

ps. during writing this I have decided to study IT, economics, social services.. And be doctor, goldsmith and bartender. And work onboard.  

Be your own friend and you will never be alone again.

Are you happy with yourself? Do you like your body?

About 90% of women aren't satisfied with themselves (no, that's not a fact, it's just a guess). And it's not only women, I have noticed the same thing with men. It's kind of sad, because it would be much better if everyone could be happy with their appearance and qualities. 

For some reason everyone seem to think that they have to be something different. Thinner, smaller, more muscular, taller, braver, funnier, nicer.. The list is endless.
Who is telling them to be different?

I have heard that I should lose some weight. That I'm fat, my tummy is too big and my feet are enormous. I was told, that if I lose some weight, I will be happier. Some point I started to believe it. So I lost some weight.

I lost over 10 kilos, and it's pretty good for a girl like me. But let me tell you something.

It never made me happier. It only made me feel bad. I loved my boobs, I loved my round and soft tummy. I was happier when I was chubbier. I have never been small girl, I have figures and I love them.

I have always been easily affected by other people. That's why it was so easy to make me lose weight and everything. Luckily I realized that wasn't what I wanted. It was only someone else's desire.

It took time to restore my love towards my body. But right now, I can honestly say, that I love myself. My body isn't perfect, it has some extra, it has stretch marks and it's not as good shape as it could be. But I still love it.

I know I'm not perfect. I don't know how to be in touch with my friends, I get anxious sometimes and disappear. I'm not the friendliest person, I'm selfish and way too sensitive.

But it's okay. Nobody is perfect. I'm happy with myself, and so should everyone else be too.

Love,
Ambivalent

End of era

After six years - I gave up my red hair. I'm not redheaded girl anymore. And that's weird.

Six years is long time. Many things can happen, many things can change. One thing was always the same - my hair. It was part of my identity. I have heard so many pick up-lines about my hair, good and bads. Red hair collects quite much attention. Everyone can find me in the bars - because of my hair. I always talked about myself as redhead.

But now it's time to change. Time to create something new. 

Time to move on.

Love,

Ambivalent

or maybe I go back to red after few months. you never know.

I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times. 

-Celine (Before Sunset)

Sometimes I wonder how many people I'll meet. How many connects will I make, how will I recognize true ones in the middle of the fakes.  And how many of them is going to stay in my life for good. 

I guess time will show me.

Love,

Ambivalent

Sickness

Yea, Midsummer is coming. It starts tomorrow and what am I doing? Sleeping in my bed, because that's the only thing I can do right now.

I got sick yesterday and this is so annoying. I have highest fever ever, I'm coughing my lungs out and blowing my nose. I can't breath well, but I believe this will go away soon. My aim is to survive to work on Sunday. So I still have two days to get better..

But the best thing being sick is my little nest. I have made a little nest in my bed, I have everything I need close to me. I have cough medicine, pastilles, juice, tissues, blanket, pillows and everything! Too bad I have to get up if I want something to eat or if I have to use toilet. Otherwise I wouldn't need to get up.

I'll get back to you after I get better. My brain is hurting because of all this thinking.

Love,
Ambivalent

What if you should decide

I have been missing travelling. I wish I could just go and do whatever I want. But there's always the but.

I have been planning about going to interrail in August. I don't have money right now, but I know I can get it before I go. I have no idea where I want to go, but somewhere. I want to experience this now, before starting studies. Right now it would be the right time to go, kind of the end of era.

But.
I'm starting studying next autumn. Which means I should save every penny I get. For living during the studies. I know that would be the wisest (and probably the right) thing to do. I know I won't have enough money for living if I don't have any savings. I'm planning to work so much that I have the money. During studying I mean.

I would love to be able to pay rent for my dad when I'm studying and I really plan to do that. even though I know my dad probably won't ask for it. But he has helped me so much and I really want to help him too. I don't want to be a freeloader anymore.

Anyway. I would love to go interrailing this summer. It would suite my plans perfectly. It could be ending for my gap years, it could end my travelling for a while. In other hand.. I know it would be insane to go abroad right before studying. I need to save everything I can, at least everyone seems to tell me that.

Even though - if I really skip interrail this year, I won't spend those money during my studies. I can't let myself to use my hard earned money on something so stupid as studying. I would put that money in some kind of bank account where I can't get them before graduating. 

And for some reason, for some people it's still hard to understand why I plan to travel alone. Seriously guys, I have been doing it quite much in last years - it shouldn't be a problem anymore. You know I can survive on my own. You know how much I love it. You know how much I need it. Because it's the only time when I can truly be free, when I'm truly taking care of myself and only myself. 

Love,
Ambivalent

If our love is insanity, why are you my clarity?

You know that feeling when you are falling in love with someone. You don't feel hunger, you don't have to eat, you are constantly euprohic. Is it possible to love the world so much, that it causes those symptoms?

Can you be in love with the world? 

Love,
Ambivalent

You have to choose.

Last two years I have been trying to get some motivation for studying. I have been working and travelling, spending my gap years wisely. And now it's time to decide one of the hardest things in my life.

This past two years, I have had place to study in social services. I have postponed going in and starting studying, because well.. I don't have any motivation. I don't know what do I want to do later in my life. I don't have any goals. And it's hard to score if you don't have goals.

Next autumn I really have to decide do I want to start studying there or not. I also have three entrance exam this spring, two already done. I don't think I'll get in any of those. But no worries, I still have my place in social services!

But if I'm really honest - I'm not sure do I want to go there anymore. I find it pretty stupid to study something, when you have a feeling, you won't ever work in that field.
In fact, I have been thinking.. What if these mood swings are my hearts way to tell me, that I should not study, not right now. Right after I realized there's a change that I can't start studying in social services because of my mental health I filled with peacefulness.

It's hard to tell which one is my heart's true voice.

Love,
Ambivalent

Perfect days

I have mentioned Ted quite many times here, haven't I. You could assumed that we spent quite much time together, but that's not true. We text and talk much, but we don't see each other that often. Even though I have to admit that lately we have seen more often. And today was the first time ever, when we spent whole day together.

It was awesome. We didn't actually do anything special. We went outside for a while, to beer garden (or terrace, what ever you want to call it). Had few drinks. Picked some food and went to Ted's place. I studied little bit math while Ted was playing. I laid in his bed couple hours and we talked, oh man - we talked so much.
"Well, everything is so easy between us.. Like natural. Everything comes so naturally"

If I could I would have stayed there over night. Unfortunately - I have to feed my lovely cats. Anyway, this day was so awesome. Nothing that special and at the same time - it had everything. It was kind of perfect.

I was planning to go there tomorrow too. I need to study and I know I won't study if I'm home. My laptop is way more interesting compered to studying.

Love,
Ambivalent

ps. Geez, I should trust my heart more. I should be partying right now.

Teach me

Dancing boy showed me, how much I can get if I open up myself. He saw right inside of me and never gave up until he got his answer. I hated it. And I loved it. After knowing him I was more sure about myself, I knew what I need to do. He showed me where to go.

But I have forgotten it. I have gone back to my little world. I'm more blissful than ever before, but I'm also more depressed. I have put those walls back, even though I saw how much good I can get without them.

I believe people are good, but I can't trust them. I don't know how to open up. I want to talk with everyone, I want to share my thoughts and tell everyone what I think and how I feel. But something inside of me stops me.

I'm not sure what am I expecting from other people. Dancing boy didn't give up, he just keep going and asking things until I told him. Ted is giving me space and waiting me to open up when I want. He doesn't except me to anything, he just takes me as me. Red, well.. Red  doesn't have to do anything, because she's like me. We are connected some weird and awesome way.

It would be so much easier if I knew what I want people to do, if there was some logic in me. But maybe it's not about what other people do, maybe it doesn't matter at all. Maybe it's about chemistry between two person. Some people just make you open up, you just click with them and everything comes naturally.

Love,
Ambivalent

Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do

Trust your heart. Usually it knows, what to do. It leads you in right place, tells what you have to do right now. I have been following one girl, who actually follows her heart. It's so beautiful thing to see. She makes decisions by heart - if it tells that you have to go to the mountains, she goes. If she feels like staying abroad, she stays.

I'm trying to learn how to listen and trust my heart. I had one of those perfect moments yesterday. I had been little bit down, in some other reality almost whole day. I can't remember much about work, but after work.. I went to see Ted, we didn't do anything special. We just hang out for a while.

Then I had to go home. Time was around half past ten, but it was still bright and warm outside. I walked towards bus stop, saw one girl, around my age, jumping across the street. I do the exactly the same thing when I'm extremely happy. I smiled and continued walking.

And then it hit me, right there, at the bus stop. I felt absolutely amazing serene feeling. Everything felt so right, I could feel the love from the world. I knew exactly what music I wanted to listen, how I wanted to sit. I just were completely serene. And I tell you - it felt amazing.

But that's not the perfect moment I was talking about. After I got home, I made food for myself. Usually I watch anime while eating, but for some reason I felt like, no, not today. I didn't want to watch anything else either. So I started to read. I opened Paolo Coelho - The Alchemist and I knew, that was the right decision. I knew it was time to read it now. And I read it, whole book. It only took two hours.

That might sound something small, but for me it meant the world right then. Because I felt something and I act according to it. I trusted my heart, even though it was small thing.
And it felt amazing.

Love,
Ambivalent

I'm pure love

I just wanted to tell that I love you all. You are awesome!

And yes, I'm superuper happy again. Can I pet everyone's heads right now? I just want to share this love to everyone. Because I really, really love everything. And everyone.
Please, let this feeling last. I don't wanna go down anymore.

Can I save most of the people now, please? I don't need to save everyone, I know I can't save everyone, but I want to save the ones I can. Love ones, you do know that you can always come to me and talk? Or just come to my place and crash for a while?

Oh man.
I'm pure love.

Love,
Ambivalent

I like you a lot

I am your butterfly

I need your protection

Be my samurai

Those words are stuck in my  head. 

I have so much energy and everything seems so wonderful again. I believe I can touch the sky. I love everything and everyone. I know I should be sleeping, but I don't feel like sleeping right now. I have been waiting for this feeling so long time. I want to enjoy it now. 

Maybe I should clean this house. Right now.

Or maybe I should go to bed. 

Love,

Ambivalent

Lights will guide you home

Some people are like sun. They make other's world brighter and happier. They make sense in this crazy world, they are the only thing that makes sense.

Their light guides you. It tells where to go, what's right and wrong. They are beautiful suns, making world beautiful. Even though sometimes - the light they give isn't in them. They just make world better place, they fill up the room with light. They calm you down, make you feel loved. They give more than anyone realize.

Do you know those people? Those bright smiling suns, who make everything alright. I hope you do, because everyone needs sun. People, who spent more time in sun, are usually happier.

Love,
Ambivalent

When you need your own space

I tend to dissapear. For short moments, from minutes to days, I go somewhere else. I'm not here anymore. I lose time and place. And every time it's harder and harder to come back.

I don't answer text messages, I don't answer phone calls. I don't read Facebook messages. If I answer, I answer shortly and after many hours or days. I'm locked in to my own little world. That's normal to me, it happens sometimes. When I need my own space.

I have tried to force myself to be social, even though I know I need to be alone. Right now, I need my own place. But I have so many new friends, who want to spent time with me, so it's kind of hard to dissapear. They get worried if I don't answer. They don't understand why am I acting so differently. They aren't used to that.
And well, it has been quite hard to be alone. I know I need to be alone, but I can't be alone.

I can't be around people, but I can't be without them either.

But right now, problem isn't dissapearing from other people. Problems start when I'm starting to dissapear from this reality and go to my own world. And when this starts to happen around other people.

Love,
Ambivalent

I know you won't disappear

As you can see, I didn't have time to write end of last week. Reason was simple, Red. That girl is something so special, so awesome.

Half week with her and I already got use to having her here. This apartment felt so empty on Sunday evening. My little sun has disappeared.

"You two are so funny. You seem like lovers and at the same time you are some kind of superfriends."
What can I say. One soul in two bodies. We click and somehow we blend together, we become one. We know how other one is feeling, we are so similiar, yet we have our differences - and that's good. I hope she will never leave. And I have a feeling, she won't.

My sun might be gone for a while, but she will be back soon. If not, I'm going there.

Love,
Ambivalent

I feel alive

After Iceland I have been more social, I have seen so many people, I have had energy to do things. I have been so happy. I have loved this world so much that it almost hurts. 

I cleaned whole apartment this Monday, even pillows and stuff. I didn't plan it, it just happened. S was sleeping over at my place, we helped our friend with her school project on Tuesday. We went to eat with H, it was so awesome to see H after a long time.
Today I have been  I saw H and spent awesome time with her, talked a little bit and drank long drinks. After a while Photographer joined us. And more drinks. I have bad influence to Photographer. Luckily we also went to eat chisene, so it wasn't only drinking. Then I saw Ted and he was awesome as always. Now I'm waiting for Red to arrive and we will probably go party.

So much of social life for one day. At least I am happy. I feel alive. 

If I have time later this week, I will write about something I have been wondering. Now I will go and dance until my feet hurt.

Love,
Ambivalent

Kurrpurr.

Tomorrow. Red. Finally.

No need to tell you that I have been waiting for her quite much?

Love,

Ambivalent

There are so many reasons to be happy.

"Has something nice happened recently, since you are in such a good mood?"

Life is beautiful. World is beautiful, when you want to see it like that. You can call me naive, but I rather pay attention to small, good things than worry about bad, ugly things. Like North Korea and possibility of World War III. 

Can't you see how sun makes water in your windows sparkling? Can't you feel how wind fondles you, how it takes your pain away? Can't you laugh when wind takes your hat and it lands in the water? Can't you feel sunshine?

World is so beautiful place and life is awesome. Here are some reasons.

Wind. It calms you down when you need it.

Sun. It brights everything.

Cold asphalt under your feet.

Bubbles. They are awesome - no other reason.

Snowflakes, the way they float in the air.

Spring. How everything wakes up slowly, the smell of spring.

Water. Warm shower, cold lakes. 

Sand. 

Soft sand under your feet, how it goes between your toes. 

Slipping on the rough sand, the sound it makes under your feet when you dance in the streets.

Good music. And the feelings it makes you feel.

Lying on the floor and moving your fingers really, really fast.

It just feels so funny and amazing.

New experiences. Bad and good ones.

Friends. 

Dancing. Especially dancing in the clubs. 

The feeling when you disappear from this world and become one with the music.

Being small. 

You are really small when you compare to universe. And it's kinda nice.

Animals. The way they look at you, the way they feel. 

Spinning around, around, around.

Eating. Good food is awesome. Nomnom.

Being alone. 

The feeling when you see your true self and learn to appreciate it.

Feelings. 

Up and downs, mood changes. 

I could continue this list forever. But because I have to go to bed and get ready for tomorrow, I have to stop here. Be happy, life will always carry you. 

Love,

Ambivalent