You can't hold me down

Too many new people, I don't have time to get to know anyone. I smile to everyone, let them in my life. But never too close. You can tell me how different I am, how unique I am, but I know that's not true. I'm like everyone else. You can tell me how much you like me, how I have changed your world. How much you want me. But it's no use. I'm still leaving.

I know I'm going to hurt someone. Sooner or later, it'll happen. And somehow, I'm too selfish to care. I can't make everyone happy without making myself unhappy. I have to concentrate on me, I have to be selfish for a while.
I might be an asshole, maybe even douchebag. But I know that's the only way for me right now. And it's not going to last forever.

I know what you want to hear and see. I know what you like. How to make you go crazy, how to make you want me. I know how to get what I want. And I'll get what I want. I'll just take it and after it I'll vanish and leave you behind.

You will never understand how much I want to be free. You will never understand how much you mean to me. And I won't ever be able to explain reasons behind my acts.

Love,
Ambivalent

ps. Remember when I told you I want to be like you? That I want to live in the moment, that I want to be free. I'm getting there and it's freaking me out.  

And everything goes round and round and round..

UV-lights, UV-paints, good music, energy drink based punch, new people, summer plans, dancing and loving. 

I love how awesome parties Red can host! Yesterday there was her and her boyfriend's housewarming party and it was awesome, just awesome. Too bad I couldn't get any good pictures from that night..

I finally met the guy who Red have been talking about. I'm supposed to go to Tomorrowland with him next summer. With guy I just met. I hope he wasn't joking about going there with me, because it would be so awesome to go there. He could be the perfect company to go there! There's one problem left.. We don't have tickets, but I'm trying to get them. I really want to go there.

And now I know why Red was so sure we will get along.

Love,
Ambivalent

My year 2012

Do you know that feeling, when you look at our past life and realize you have changed so much that you can't recognize yourself anymore? This happened to me this year. I hardly know the person I was in the beginning of this year. This year changed me. And I hope it's good thing.

I traveled quite much. I was part of EFI-project and traveled to Sicily because of it. No one understands how much that short trip changed all of us. All of us who gave it a chance to change things. In so short time I grew up so much, I got known to myself so much better. I forgot one piece of my heart there.

Then I went to Iceland to see M. That trip totally changed my life. While I was there, I remembered how happy I can be, how much love there is inside of me. How much I really love life. And like first time of my life, I knew exactly what I want. It was so awesome feeling. Iceland showed me where I should go.

In October I went to Norway and I loved it. It wasn't as life changing experience as the other trips were, but that's natural. I went there to see my aunt and uncle, and luckily I saw my cousin at the same time. It was really short visit, but I liked it. Oslo is really beautiful town and I'm going back there as soon as possible.

Of course my year wasn't only about traveling. My cats got babies in the end of April, so I became granny for four little kittens. They were so awesome and extremely cute, even though they were sometimes pain in the ass. But I loved them and I'm planning to go see all of them next year. I can't wait to see how much they have grown.

Then there was the most changing thing - my break up. I couldn't be happier that it happened. I feel more like myself again, I never realized how badly I had lost myself in that relationship. I know - I'm still lost, but it doesn't feel as bad as it used to feel. Of course I loved my ex, but I'm much happier without him. I feel more alive! And I hope I have learnt something, I don't want to give up my things because I'm dating someone. I don't want to get lost again.

I'm changing so fast that I'm not sure who am I. I'm getting lost inside myself, but it's okay. I know I will find myself someday. Maybe I need to get lost, before I can find anything. The journey matters, not the destination.

Love,
Ambivalent

Only this moment counts.

I have missed these nights. Talking, dancing, laughing, staying up all night. Not drinking but still having fun. Listening random guy to tell me about his problems. Weird compliments, a little bit restlessness. Sleeping two hours and waking up happy. Smile to the world and it will smile back.

There are something happening all the time. There are no ordinary moments.
Sometimes it's hard to remember that there are no normal days, there are unique. Sometimes they are grey, sometimes full of different colors. Just keep learning to love life whatever it brings to you. Open your eyes, open your mind.

Even if none of your friends answers to your call, if you miss your buss, if you lose your buss card. Even if you stand in the rain waiting for buss just to realize it won't come. Even if your feet are full of vesicles and it hurts to walk.
Ignore the bad things and focus on the good things. There are always days when everything goes wrong, but it's your attitude that counts. Shit happens, you can't do anything to it anymore. Just forget it and move on. Keep smiling.

I wouldn't say that my life is perfect. It isn't. I have my own problems, I'm lost and I don't know where to go. But it's okay. I'm enjoying the ride. Most of the time. I'm trying to learn to love life no matter what happens. And I am happy right now.

I love the way how random people like me. It's easy to make people like me, but hard to keep them liking me. 

Love,
Ambivalent

It's Christmas time!

I'm not a big fan of Christmas, it has lost its meaning. But it's nice to have few days off. And for me, Christmas is the time of the year, when I can give gifts without anyone asking "why, why are you giving me this?" People aren't used to get presents and well, I like giving presents. This is the only time of the year when its acceptable. Even though.. Sometimes I do it anyway, even if it usually makes people uncomfortable.

I have been so busy lately. I haven't had time to write anything. I have been jumping around and trying to keep myself together. Days are going way too fast, and they blend together. I don't know what happened first, what last. What was the order of the days?
But it's okay not to know. I like this anyway.

I realized today, that I have lost my ability to relax. I haven't done anything today and I feel BAD because of it. I have never felt bad because of doing nothing. But it feels so wrong to stay inside all day, watch tv and just eat everything. I feel like.. I have to do something. Go somewhere. See someone. Be more creative.

Nahh, I want to enjoy this lazyness! I want to be able to enjoy this without guilty conscience.

You'r such a good friend, I have to break your heart.
Tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart
Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart 

Love,
Ambivalent

The good ones always leave first.

I can't believe it. My best friend called me this morning 7 o'clock and said "I thought you might want to know. He's dead." I couldn't believe it. Still can't. I'm shocked.

We didn't talk to each other in many years, our friend groups changed during the time and we somehow stopped spending time together, in the same group. But it still hurts. Why? Why did you do it? What hurt you so much?

You were always so happy, everyone's friend. I'll always remember you smiling to everyone. Helping and cheering everyone. I guess you forgot to ask help for yourself. You never told anyone, not even your closest friends or at least that I heard. Maybe you didn't believe no one could help you, you were saying goodbyes to everyone even though no one realized that.

I should have learnt already that the quiet ones are the ones who actually do something. They don't let anyone know about their plans, not a slightest hint. They keep everything inside and surprise everyone in the end. You weren't the first one. I have seen these too many.

That's why I'm happy when my friends talk about their problems, if they tell me they are not okay. It tells me there's hope. There's at least something to keep them in this world, some hope about the brighter future. But of course, I don't want my friends to suffer in any way.. 

I wish I could have said goodbye to you. Party with you once more. Talk with you, ask how are you. How you have been these last years. How did your life turn out. We knew each others when we were teenagers and we both survived that time, what happened after that. It takes time to get used to the thought I'll never get change to do any of that.

But I'm glad when I see your friends changing their profile pictures for you. Many people show their respect to you. I have been crying almost all day and I know I'm not the only one. All of your friends miss you.

Rest in peace. 

Love,

Ambivalent.

Free your mind

When you feel like moving on

just stay strong, cause tomorrow is another day

Love,

Ambivalent

Tomorrow is another day

Is it okay if I don't know where to go? Is it okay if I don't know where I want to go?
I don't have anything I really want right now, I don't know where I should go. I don't have any goals. I'm not sure do I like it or not. I don't have any purpose. I'm just floating around, doing things that doesn't matter. Doing things that doesn't get me anywhere.

That's why I'm lost. I'm lost in my own paradise. I love my world, my own little world. I love my life, it's really awesome. Partying, dancing, not caring about anything. Smiling, laughing, feeling good. I'm so happy but also so lost.

I need the way where to go. I need something, something to seize on. Everyone knows I love making plans and I do that really often. I plan my future, my life. It helps me keep myself together. But I haven't done any plans for long time now. It has been about two months. Two months without making plans.. It's messing with my head.

Of course I would make some plans if I knew what to plan. I don't know what to plan. I usually plan things, because I want to get something, I want to do something. Now I don't have anything.
Everything is awesome and scary at the same. Lovely and distressing. I love everything and everyone, I feel so good. Most of the time. The better I feel, the worse I feel. It's really exhausting. I'm tired of these mood swings!

I'm so glad Red is coming here next Monday. Maybe she makes some sense into my mind. Just by being near to me, talking with me. Walking with me. 

Love,
Ambivalent

Rest your head now little girl

Sometimes it's so funny to be mean. 

Some guys don't understand that they are not nice persons, that they aren't that good-looking, that not everyone wants to have sex with them. I believe it's good that someone brings them back to earth. This time it was me. I don't need assholes in my life and neither does anyone of my friends. 

Feel the beat, dance until your feet hurt. Don't care what happens around you. Just focus on that good feeling. Don't care. Enjoy. Smile. Close your eyes, forget the others. Enjoy.

I opened my eyes and saw new people. I smiled to them and continued dancing. I opened my eyes and those people had changed. They weren't same anymore. I continued dancing, got lost in the beat. Opened my eyes, there was different people again. Looked for S, found her. Good, she's alive. Maybe some water would be good. And back to the dance floor.

 I think we have been out little bit too much lately. I have started to recognize random people on the dance floor. People I have never seen anywhere else but in the bar. I remember that I have danced with them, they don't always remember me, but I remember them. I don't know their names or anything else, but I know how they dance. And it's enough for me.

Last time this happened when I was 18 years old. Back then I almost lived in the bars, so I knew everyone there. It's interesting to experience that all over again. Why is this place so small?

Love,

Ambivalent

I just wanted to be happy.

You have too much feeling in your heart

Your words made me blush.

Last Wednesday I heard one of the best compliment ever. One of my new friends told me that "oh, you are secretly little nerd!" I smiled and I can't stop smiling if I think about that. It made my day. It made my week.

I started to think about it. Lately, I have been feeling little bit nerdy, because it seems I know more about computers and internet than most of my friends. I don't know much, but I'm willing to learn. Actually, I want to learn more.

But at least I know how to change your privacy setting in Facebook. Or how to share your smartphone's internet to your laptop. I know how to find information (seriously, sometimes that seems to be problem to someones..), I know the basics how to take care of my baby. And I'm not afraid of asking help if I can't solve some problem.

Anyway, I have been little bit sick last few days. I have fever, not much, but enough to make me go crazy. But neither enough to make me skip the work. I have been working, but I can't remember everything.. I mean, there are few hours I can't remember. It's kind of freaky.

Three days to go and then I have two days off!

Love,
Ambivalent

Your life is a party.

Oh my god. I think this is getting out of my hands. I have used way too much money, I have been way too drunk. But I have been enjoying my life. I love everything I have done lately, but I really have to start saving money again. Because I'm going to Latvia in February and to Iceland in March. I need money there.
And maybe I should save money for summer. Maybe.

Last weekend was awesome. Funeral themed party for Red's boyfriend, who turned 30. Balloons, awesome cakes, cider, karaoke, dancing, three random DJ's. Having a speech dressed as nun. Bath with Red and her boyfriend. Staying up until 8.30 am, running in the hallway.  Restless, so restless.

Wednesday.. S's birthday Cocktail party, too much alcohol, too many guys in one party. I drank way too much and I can't remember anything from bar. Except that my friend draw my eye brows in the toilet. And it wasn't such a good idea. Never do that. I acted like teenager whole night and I picked the worst company to that. There were so many good friends of my ex. I knew it's not a good idea to drink with them. Especially if they start to talk about him. No, not good.

I have had fun, but I have a feeling I have done something really stupid. I might destroyed few new acquaintance by acting like a moron. I hope they understand that I don't usually act like that. But well, people have told me to go wild.. Now I did that.

Love,
Ambivalent

I am no mother, and I won't be one.

I had terrible nightmare few nights ago. In that dream I had baby. Newborn. She was really cute, really small and I was scared that I'll accidentally break her. Having that child made me so uneasy, I wanted to get rid of her. I forgot her many times in different places and for some reason I got worried every time I lost her. I knew she wouldn't survive on her own.

I don't like kids. Actually, I'm little bit afraid of children. They are manipulative, mean, little creatures. I can't see myself as mother. If someone talks about kids, I get uncomfortable. I don't wanna have kids, at least not now. I can't stand the idea becoming a mother someday.

But some reason I keep telling myself that I'll grow up and get over this phase. That someday I'll be ready to have my own child and love him/her more than anything. I'm not sure why I do that. Maybe it's because every time I tell somebody that I don't wanna have kids, they say "you will want them someday". Everyone seems to be so sure about that.

I don't wanna be so selfish that I would create new child in this world. I can't find any good reason to have own kids, when there's many kids without families around the world. I rather adopt than have my own child. Actually I think I couldn't love something that comes from me. 

This might be immature way of thinking, and it probably goes away someday. I probably end up having my own biological children, because that's something people tend to do. But what if this never goes away? What if I just don't want to have kids. If this is not just a phase. It's hard to admit that I might be a person who never wants kids.

We will see that.

Love,

Ambivalent

It's just snow

It's funny how whole country goes crazy when it starts to snow. It shouldn't be surprise to have snow in nordic countries. My train is almost an hour late already. Every fucking train is late and people are starting to lose their temper. The funniest thing about travelling with train is that this train has been standing in the station almost half an hour now, waiting for other passengers to come from trains which are also late.
Well, it's kind of good that train company takes care that every passenger gets on.

But I like trains. Even though they are late, it's nice sitting in the train and observe the world. I like imagining life stories to other passengers, how their lives have been, why they are in this train. And it's nice to notice that random people talk to each others. They are getting bored and only thing you could do is talk. There's nothing else to do.
I'm waiting for someone to start singing. It would make this trip so much more entertaining. Imagine it, someone starts to sing and everyone else joins him/her. It would be so awesome.

Soon, soon this train is leaving and I'll be on my way to see Red. I haven't seen her so ages. I miss her so much and it's nice to finally go there to see her. I have never seen her apartment and she's moving soon, again. Next month actually. Moving together with her boyfriend. Bigger apartment, little bit further from the city, but it's probably best for them. Hopefully they can take her dog with them, because like she wrote "it's not home without it."

Yayyy! It's moving. Finally. 64 minutes late.

I can't wait to see Red. This weekend will be so awesome!

Love,
Ambivalent

What do you desire?

What would you do if money didn't matter? What do you desire?

I'm still trying to figure out what I really desire. It's kind of hard to find it out. Or admit. True feelings are hard and they make you vulnerable. They can make you feel powerful, but you are also vulnerable at the same time. And being vulnerable has always been problem for me. I don't wanna show my weakness to other people. I want to survive on my own. Without anyone.

What do I desire? First thing that comes to my mind is freedom. I wanna be free. I wanna be able to choose my life, go wherever I want. I don't want anything or anyone to hold me down. I'm still finding my place in this world and I want to do it my own way. Right now I have a feeling that I don't have just one place where I belong. I have many. I belong everywhere and nowhere. I feel home everywhere and nowhere. I want everything and nothing.

I think I love travelling just because it makes me feel free. I wanna travel around the world and probably alone. Hitchhike in the middle of the Asia, talk to strangers, go with the flow. Have a road trip around USA, meet my friends there. Coach surf, see little villages. 

 I believe in the kindness of the strangers. 

I desire freedom.

Love,

Ambivalent

It's just money

Damn, I have used almost all of my money. I don't know how's that possible, because usually I plan perfectly how I use my money. But I'm so tired of doing that. I have been doing it too long time, I have been preparing myself for the future and it has led to that I have forgot to life in the moment.

I have been saving money for everything. Like own apartment, travelling and just because I need to have money if something happens. Of course it's good. It just takes so much energy. I have organized my money well, I know exactly how much money I need every month and I put that money in different bank account, so I won't use it. Then I put most of my money on safe in different bank accounts. After that I have money I can spent every month.

But this month.. I have spent more than just those left over money. Way more. And I have been enjoying my life more than I have enjoyed anything for a long time. I'm so bored to live like I want safe and balanced life. Of course it's kind of nice to have some balance in my life, but it's so fucking boring.

And I want more.

Love,
Ambivalent

If you love someone, set them free.

Have you ever loved someone so much, it doesn't bother you if she/he is with someone else?
I have.

I love him and of course I would love to be with him, I would love to have him all to myself. I could lock him down and just keep him. But that's not love. I want him to be happy. I want him to live his life, enjoy every day. I want him to feel the love, meet new people and go crazy. Feel all the emotions. He has been alone for long time now and his life is changing. It's so much easier to face everything if you have someone with you.

In my opinion we make the perfect match. And he has said that too. But there's no way us to be together right now, it's not the right thing to do. It would only hurt both of us, and neither of us want to screw things up. He knows there's no point me to start dating so soon after my break up, but I know there's no point to ask him to wait for me. I wouldn't be able to life with myself if I ever do that.

I love him so much that the only thing I want is that he's happy. If it means he's with someone else, that's okay. Even if he dates someone else, we can still be friends. He's not disappearing, he's just living his life. I couldn't be happier about the fact he's living, that he's moving on a little bit.

It's weird how no one seems to believe that I'm happy for him. Not even him. When he told me, he was kind of nervous. Like.. He seemed to be a little bit afraid how I react. And I think he was kind of surprised when I told him, it's okay. I have told him many times that I just want him to be happy. That he deserves the best and I won't stop him. It would break my heart if I do that. But he never believed it. No one did.

I have a feeling that some day we will end up together. It probably won't happen in next year, maybe not even next five years.. We live our lives separately, but we are always connected. We can date other people, because you never know what life brings. There's a possibility that we are never gonna be together, but it's okay. Because the only thing that matters is that we can be happy and if it's without being together, so be it. It really doesn't matter as long as we are happy.

I just wish she looks at him like I do. I wish she loves him like I do.

Love,
Ambivalent

p.s.
He was so surprised when I told him that I already knew. I had known like month, I just waited him to say it out loud. He was like, how? How could you know if no one knows.. Well, I call it intuition or maybe instincts. I just had that feeling, I just knew it.

You like your girls insane

I have been shaking my hands and legs all day. I can't stop moving. I can't control my mind, my thoughts. Working today was impossible, because I couldn't sit in the cash point nor do anything in the store. I tried to organize products, but it was impossible.

It would be nice to have this much energy, if I could use it. If I could transform this energy into practical energy, it would help me. I wanna able to do things, like clean this apartment, send emails, go jogging.. You know, useful stuff. But no! This energy just blocks everything. I can't use it on anything and I just walk around. My heart is pounding too fast. 

I can't see myself as crazy person, but someones have told me that I'm crazy. I'm not sure am I right or are they right. I mean. I'm in the middle of my life, this is normal to me. I don't see what's wrong about my way of thinking, it's easier to see it when you are outsider. I don't care what other people say, but sometimes I wonder are they right. How can I see if I'm going nuts?
My thoughts make sense to me, but other ones don't understand them.

Love,
Ambivalent

I need more.

I haven't had time to write, but I promise I'll write as soon as possible. Because I have so many things I want to tell you. Many things have happened and changed. And no one knows about them, because I don't have time to talk or write about them..

I miss writing.

Love,
Ambivalent

And I want you in my life

You don't want me, no

You don't need me

Like I want you, oh

Like I need you

And I want you in my life

And I need you in my life

You can't see me, no

Like I see you

I can't have you, no

Like you have me

Love,

Ambivalent

Be wild.

I'm too restless. I can't concentrate on anything, my mind just keep jumping one thing to another. I can't just sit, I have to keep moving all the time. I don't sleep as much as I normally do. And this is getting worse and worse all the time. Or better and better.

I feel so good and I'm not sure is it normal good feeling or is there something wrong with me again. My mood is so awesome and I'm not use to that. There's small part inside of my fearing that this is mania. I don't want to have any other mental problems. But I think as long as I know there's a possibility to have some problems, I don't have to worry. If I had some problems, I couldn't see them by myself, right.

"Go wild. You deserve to go wild. Just don't be stupid."

I decided to ignore that fear this isn't normal. I'm gonna just enjoy the ride. Go with the flow. And see where I end up. I know I'm much happier when I'm not trying to control things, so that's what I should do. Stop trying to control everything. But I know I do stupid things if I don't control everything. Maybe it's worth of it.

Love,
Ambivalent

I want what she's got

Oh man, I have been so busy lately. I haven't slept well since my birthday. And my birthday was ten days ago. My sleeping time has been something between 2 to 5 hours every night. Mostly those two hours nights. Living and partying is hard.

Many people has asked me lately "Are you on speed? What the hell have you taken?" No one believes me, when I told them I haven't taken anything besides alcohol. Not even alcohol necessarily. I'm going fast, I can't stop and it feels so good. I dance in the rain, I laugh and I do what ever I want to do.

Last Wednesday I went out for a walk in the middle of the night. I was partying with H and S, and after the bar closed me and H went to S's place. As soon as we got inside, I changed my clothes and told H that I wanna go walking. I had so much energy and I knew I couldn't sleep if I stay inside. H didn't want to come with me, but luckily one random guy joined me.
We walked and talked so much that night. He told me things he hasn't ever told anyone, not even his best friends. That night and especially that walk was awesome. I enjoyed every moment and I hope so did he. Because we were acting like we have known out whole lives and H didn't believe we met first time that night.

Sometimes I think I don't know how to be less open, less social. I trust people more than I should and I'll probably hurt myself because of that. I let my emotions lead me, it usually makes my life interesting, but I know there's a risk doing it. I do it anyway.
I want to believe people are good, I believe in the kindness of the strangers. I don't have any reason not to trust people. If they hurt me, then I have reason.

Or maybe this is my way to protect myself. I make people think they know me, that they know my personal stuff, but in reality.. Nothing I tell them could hurt me. There are only few people who actually knows me.

I'm not sure should I slow down. This might go over board, but I love feeling this good. I know, this might not be healthy.
...Damn, I can't concentrate!

Love,
Ambivalent

One trip can change everything

part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4

It's time to continue again. This time I'm going to tell you about my friends I got in Sicily. One week and I got three close friends from that trip. I hope they are here to stay.

First is Photographer. All of you why I call her that, if you don't - you are idiots. No offence. I have known this girl short only short time, but I still see her as one of my close friends. We know kind of much about each other and lately we have seen quite often. We are still getting to know each other, but I believe you will hear about her much much more later.
She awesome person. She's part of everything and sometimes I wonder how she has time for everything. She never says no, she always at least considers my ideas. I know she's younger than me, but it doesn't matter between us. If we go to bar, we can choose bar where all of us can get in. Sometimes I think Photographer doesn't appreciate herself, that she doesn't see how good she is in many things. I wish I could show her how she really is in other's eyes.

Then there's Fighter. I haven't seen him since Sicily and damn, I miss him! We have been talking quite much after that trip, but of course it's not the same. Luckily I'm probably going there in February. I can't wait. I always try to help him, I listen his problems. And he does the same for me too. Even though.. Lately I haven't had problems, so it has been more me trying to help him.
He's strong person. I'm not sure does he realize how much passion he has, how strong his ambition is. Even though he's not always sure about his feelings, he feels strongly. And he's ready to work for his dreams. Sometimes I wish I could be more like him.

And of course, there's also M. You know about M already, he's awesome, just awesome. My soul mate. He's the one who has had strong influence on me. He has changed me so much already and I want more. I like the person I am around him and I really want to spent time with him. Too bad he lives so far away.

But you know..

When we first met I knew there's something special between us. I know I wasn't only one who thought that. We just click and well, I won't let him go.

M is really weird personality and I think that why I like him so much. He's such a mess inside, but at the same time he knows everything so perfectly. I can't make any sense about him. He has so many different sides and I can't understand how he manages to keep all of them in control and balanced (yea, I know - balanced isn't normal stage, you should consider to go with the flow). M is party animal, but at the same time he's gamer. He's anime freak and he practice parkour. He believes in apocalypse, but keeps going forward at the same time.

Anyway, all of you know about M already, so that enough about him. Like my friends have told me, I could talk about him all night.

These three persons are my newest close friends, but I see possibility in our friendships. I believe we can grow strong together, even if we are different countries. We can't spent as much time together as we want, but it doesn't mean we are less friends. It doesn't change the fact that Sicily trip changed all of us and I believe that bond won't break so easily.
I miss everyone from Sicily trip, but mostly I miss M. Because I need him. He's something special. He's my guide, my spiritual mentor. 

Love,
Ambivalent

I'm on a boat!

How is it possible that all of my weekends have been awesome lately? How is it possible that my life is so fucking awesome right now?

I'll keep this post short, because I really should be sleeping already, but I really wanted to write before going to sleep. Last weekend was so awesome. As you know, I was celebrating my birthday. On the cruise. Whole weekend just partying and drinking. I spent too much money, drank way too much, danced until my feet hurt and met awesome people.

First night was quite much about talking girl's stuff. I haven't seen B for so long time, so it was really nice to hear how is she. It was also strange how well me and my old friend got along even though we haven't seen each other for many years. The forth girl wasn't with us that much, I think she spent like 10 hours with us in whole weekend. But it didn't matter, because she wanted to go and spent time with boys next door. We didn't abandon her, she went by herself. So why worry about that.

The bar opened at one o'clock, and we danced rest of the night. At one point B went to sleep and I just kept dancing. When the bar closed, I started to look for after party. I ended up with some random dudes and I kept changing my company. I wanted to meet as many people as possible. I slept about two or three hours and damn.. The hangover next day was terrible!

I'm so proud I managed to go ashore. It was so close that I continue sleeping without going out with others, but I'm really glad I went there. Because I found new trousers, two t-shirts and belt - everything something I really need. It was well-spent money.

The second night was awesome too. It was more drinking with other people. We met football team (or part of it) and well, we basically spent rest of the time with them. I hope B and other girls enjoyed that time as much as I did. I had so much fun! Talking, drinking, dancing..
I was so energetic, I run around the ship and damn, I was so happy again. I have been feeling good for long time now, but it still surprises me. The fact I can feel good. That I can do what ever I want. That I can run around if I want to, I can lay down if I want to.

And yea, there was one guy. I spent quite much time especially with him. He seems really nice guy and you probably will hear more about him later. We have talked at least two hours in the phone today and we still have things to talk. It's kind of weird, but also nice. I think I'll show him whole different world.

Anyway, I had awesome weekend.

Love,
Ambivalent

Yeah you’ve only begun to shine

Next is two maybe strangest friends of mine. Good way strange. (part 1, part 2 and part 3)

First there's Ballet. We have known many years, I can't remember when we met first time. I remember where we met, it was in Bi-meeting, but I have no idea when was that. We connected quite soon. She was buttoned-up, she never talked things with their real names. She didn't know how. But with me she opened up. She started to talk things with their real names - and btw, that helps a lot to understand. Ballet has changed so much during years that I wouldn't recognize her as the same person if I haven't seen it to happen. She has grown beautiful, self-confident woman.

We don't actually see each others as much I see my other friends. But it hasn't changed a thing between us. Every time we see, everything just continues where it left last time. I love spending time with her, but we don't have any good shared friends, so it's kinda hard. Of course we have mutual friends, but it's different thing. Our friends are so different and it's kinda confusing so times. Ballet is one of my best friends, but she a little lonely wolf in my friends.

The second one is Red. She's going to hate when I call her that, because well.. She has been identified as "red-headed girl" for so long. It's kind of annoying sometimes, but it's also part of her identity. I know that because I'm also red-head.
We met in the bar. I was there alone, just partying and meeting new people. I really love going to bars alone. Then I saw her. She was so beautiful. She was with some of her friends and I just went there and started to talk with them. I don't know why, but me and Red just clicked immediately. After 10 minutes some random guy came to us and asked "Are you two sisters? Or best friends at least!" No, we met first time in our lives, like 10 minutes ago. He had hard time believing that.

I still don't know everything about her past or what kind of person she is. But I'm figuring that out slowly. And the more I found out, the more I like her. She keeps surprising me. She has lived so differently than me, but still there's something so familiar, something common between us. I know I can trust her and I hope she knows she can trust me too. Red can always come to my place and I'll find time for her. It's difficult us to see, because we life different cities and we both work random days. Last time she just said, she wants to see me, drive here and we spend awesome night together. I wrote about that night. It was awesome!

Ballet and Red are so ramdom friends, that we don't actually have any common friends, we don't have any connecting thing. It's only luck that we ever met each other. I'm so glad I met them. They are both awesome persons. And I love them.

Love,
Ambivalent

I can go until I blow up

My birthday was yesterday and it was awesome. In the morning I cleaned my apartment, did the dishes, washed my clothes and stuff like that. Then I went to work and as you know, my life starts after work.

My plan was going to eat with my friend and take the last bus to home. Well. It didn't go as planned. We ate and had so awesome time, we ordered few drinks and the my friend said "I wanna go to other bar and have one special shot! It's so goooood!" So we went there, took those shots - it was really good. Then I was said, I wanna go dancing. So we ended up middle of student's party.

We were on the dance floor all night, I only went once to smoke. We didn't sit once and we had so much fun. There was also couple boys who danced almost whole time with us and damn, I loved their moves! One of them was especially good.

I wanted to get known to him, I believe it would have been awesome to party with him later. We could rock the dance floor with him! Almost as awesome as M and me. Too bad I never told him that so we probably will never see again. It would have been so nice to have him as my new party friend.

Anyway. After the bar closed I went to my friend's place to sleep. I slept about one hour, woke up, run to mornings first bus and went home. I slept few hours more and now I should get ready for work. Damn, it wasn't such a good idea to be there until bar closes..

But I had fun and tomorrow I'm going to cruise!

Love,
Ambivalent

Sometimes I miss high school

Talking about my friends continues (part 1 and part 2)

In high school I met Hockey Girl. We were always together, everyone knew us. I can't remember how we became friends, but somehow we always ended up smoking together every break. I didn't even smoke that much before that.. We were thick as thieves and it was odd we weren't together somewhere. She knew so much about me and I also knew so much about her. 

We have had our fights, but I believe we have grown up enough to get over them. We didn't talk for long time after high school. There was many reasons for that, but I always knew out friendship isn't over. I was right. We are getting closer again. 

Hockey Girl likes hockey (you might figured that out from her name), she doesn't play it but loves to watch. She one of the biggest hockey fan I have ever known. I have never liked hockey, but when we had "Show your color"-day in high school, we both dressed up as hockey players. Show you color-day was originally traffic light-day, when everyone should wear red if they are taken, yellow if there's something going on but nothing serious and green if you are single. But we modified it and in our high school the idea was show what you like. It was so awesome!

We use to party a lot together and it seems we are starting to do that again. She engaged now, but it doesn't seem to slow her down. Her fiance (damn, it's still strange to use that word..) loves to party too, so it's not a surprise that they keep partying even if they are together. They are good example that you don't have to change who you are if you are dating. You can still party, you can still drink. You don't have to change your behavior. It's so nice to see that happen. 

I also got another close friend from high school. Joker. 

He was part of our student council and that's the place we met. We spent two years (maybe 3?) planning different parties together, we had many meetings and it was just awesome. Joker is kinda weird person, he's really intelligent, but that costs him many problems. He thinks too much. He can't just let go. Damn, I hate arguing with him, because he always have answer to everything. He has taught everything through, calculated every possibility and it's fucking annoying. He lives so differently compered to me. I live more with heart, he lives with brain.

During high school I helped him, I listened him quite much. We talked really much and well, it was kinda shame that after high school we slowly talked less and less. I'm not sure why. It just happened. Maybe it was because army. But now we are back. And we are better friends than ever before. Joker has started to drink and it makes seeing him so much easier. I can actually ask him to join me and go to party. (Not that partying requires drinking, but he didn't party back then)

It's kinda weird how fun we have together. I never thought he could end up being so funny. I never thought we would end up drinking together. I'm leading him to the dark side. He seems to be "mister nice guy", but he got balls if needed. He just doesn't realize that yet.. 

Hockey Girl and Joker are my close friends from high school. I think they are the only thing I miss from high school (okay, maybe student council too). It was so much easier to be friends, because you saw each other everyday, it was so natural to spent time together. Now it takes more. We are doing different things and it took a while to realize that I really have to keep in touch with them, if I want to have them as my friends. 

Love,

Ambivalent

You're all here for the very same reason

I found out something shocking today and I'm not sure how should I deal with it. It's not really about me, but I still don't know what to think. But I trust my friends and I hope they ask help if they need it. They know I'm always here for them.

Last weekend was weird. Free alcohol, dancing and laughing. Good food, strange things and weird places. I had so much fun and I didn't even have hung over. On Sunday I was able to meet S and it's something new to me. I'm usually so lazy on Sundays that I don't do anything but watch series in the bed. Not this time. I went to town and bought tickets to movies next week. Six girls going to watch Twilight, it's gonna be epic.

After that I went to eat with S. We went our regular place - chinese! It's so nice and cheap place. You can get buffet there and it's less than 10 euros (okay, on weekends it's 11 euros, but anyway). There's many kind of sushi, deep fried shrimps, spring rolls, sauces, rice, noodles.. It's awesome place! We usually go there to eat and talk. Someday I will show you pictures of it.

Me and my ex are back on speaking terms and it's kinda nice. There's no use to be angry, past is past. And even though we can talk right now, it doesn't mean we have to be close friends. It just makes things easier. We have many shared friends, so now it's not a problem to be at the same party with him at the same. At least I think that. There's no use us to fight.
And now he can see my cats if he wants. He lived with them as long as I did, so it's natural that he wants so see them. Oh yea, now he wants to see them. I guess that after all he cares about my cats. He liked those cuties even though at the one point he said he didn't.

But that doesn't really matter. It's just nice to speaking terms, I don't like fighting.

Next weekend will be epic too, I'm going to cruise with girls! We are finally old enough to go there without supervisor, so of course we have to go there. First I was planning to go somewhere else, but I ended up with this. I decided that it's good for me to spent time with my friends. Best thing is that one of the girls who comes with me is B. And T isn't coming, this is only for girls. Funny thing is that I'm going to spent my birthday with just one of best friends, the other two are just friends. Or B's friends. And it's my birthday. I still think it's gonna be awesome trip.

Love,
Ambivalent

Sometimes strangest things can turn out the best

Last time I wrote about H and S, two of my best friends. Now I'm going to tell you about my other really close friends.

I met B really weird way. I just broke up with my first real boyfriend and we kept in touch. We were really good friends with him. He was the one who kept me in one piece. Then he met new girl. And oh man, she was so beautiful! I spent hours just looking her pictures. I loved her and her pictures. This girl was B. 

After a while, we met. I don't remember how it actually went, but nowadays we are like really good friends, even though we are not friends with that boy anymore. It's not like we hate him, but sometimes you grow up and there's nothing common with someone. And those people just disappear from your life. He's still my Facebook friend, but we haven't talked in ages.

But B, she came to my life to stay. For really long time she was my role model, but slowly we have became more equals. She is amazing person. When I first met her, I thought she's self-confident and daring - something I wanted to be. Later I have found out that she's actually kinda shy and insecure. It really funny that every time I think about dating a girl, B pops up into my mind. She has always been the girl I want. 

I love her and I really miss her. We haven't seen each other so long time and I can't even remember when was the last time I saw her without her boyfriend. Luckily next weekend I'm gonna see her without him.

Her boyfriend is also my close friend, T. T is like my guardian. I trust him so much and I know if i have problems he will always project me. No matter where I am, or what happens, he'll come and kick some asses if someone hurts me. He has strong opinions and that's why not everyone gets along with him. But that's okay, because not everyone has to love everyone.

Me and T have some kind of strange bond. We have always get along so well and he has taught me so many thing. We met through H, they use to hang together quite much, but nowadays I'm the one who's still touch with him and actually knows something about his life. 

I always ask T's opinion about my boyfriends. I kinda get his approval to my boyfriends. Even though.. My last ex never got that approval. T hated him, but tried to get along. I have a feeling that T has to like my boyfriend, if he doesn't - it's a sign, that relationship won't last. 

T and B are both awesome persons. They met through me and it was surprising that they actually ended up together and they have been together over 3 years now. T used to be really badass, we partied a lot together. But after meeting B, he settled down. Damn, those two are so happy together. Even if I have seen them fighting, I can see that love between them. They weren't the typical or expected match, but they really make good match. I think they are right for each other. 

Anyway. I love those two and I think I have to start seeing them without other too. I want to know how they are really doing and it's hard to talk if there's both of them around. I mean, we talk so different things with B than T. 

Love,

Ambivalent

You can't hold us down

I have awesome friends, but I don't have my own crew. You know, that inside group who knows you the best, you hang with them all the time. You can call your group "us". I don't have that. I just have many random friends and okay, I have two girls who are like my gang.
I have collected my close friends from different places. I don't know how it happens or why it happens, but it seems like I get one or two close friends almost everywhere I go, I have friends from almost every phase of my life.

Now I'm going to tell you about two of my best friends. They are my really really small inside group, or at least they used to be.

My best friend, H,  is also my oldest friend. We have known since we were little babies. We used to live houses next to each others and our parents were friends too. The she moved away and everyone was sure we won't keep in touch. But we did. We are still best friends. I actually think we became best friends after she moved away. She's awesome person. She doesn't judge me, she's always there for me. Sometimes there might be many months without talking to each other, but every time we start talking again - it's like nothing has happen. I know she's always there for me if I need her. And she knows I'm here for her too. I don't know what would I do if she didn't exist.
We have experienced so much together. We are completely different persons, but I think that's one of the reasons why we are still friends. We have grown together. We known how the other grew up, we have been standing together in the storms. She has seen all of my styles, she has been standing next to me through my depression. She has seen all of my boyfriends and she knows exactly how I feel. I have seen how her family fell apart, how she must be the adult in the house. How she grew up in crazy environment and still turned up more sane than me. We have seen each other's phases, we know exactly how everything has gone.

Then my other best friend, S.
We met in primary school (we disagree with this, S says we met in kindergarden, but I don't remember her from there). She was one of the "cool girls" and saw that I was bullied. She wanted to get me out of that friend group. She just took me in that cool girls group and saved me. Our friendship hasn't been so easy from the beginning, once we didn't talk to each other for almost half year. And it was not like me and H, it was like "I hate you, don't ever talk to me again"-period. But she grew up and now we are really good friends.
S is also so awesome. Even though she doesn't always understand me, she tries. I know she haven't ever understood how can I be depressed, but she never said that to me. She never questioned it straight to me. She just went with it. She has changed a lot during the years. We use to party together - a lot. She was the crazy party girl. And I always took care of her. But nowadays, she engaged and settled down. It's everything she ever wanted. There was time when we didn't see that often, but lately - I have been seeing her more often and I love it!

Me, H and S have been awesome team so long time. First H and S hated each other, but after a while, after they got known to each other.. We became best friends together. We started to party together almost every weekend and it was so awesome. S was usually the one who went crazy and did something stupid, so me and H followed her and cleaned after her.
S was the stereotypical blond, H was the one with common sense and me.. I was the one who guided all of us even though I was lost. I was the wise one of us. We are all different, but we still love each other. I'm not sure how it's possible that we are still this good friends. I guess it doesn't matter. The only thing matters is that we are friends, best friends.

Love,
Ambivalent

Dance until your feet hurt

I have noticed that I write here when I'm happy. It's kinda funny, because I usually write when I'm unhappy. I convert my feelings into words and deal with all my problems. I always thought I can't write without being miserable, that I need to be depressed to be good writer. Okay, I'm not as good as I use to be, but it's okay. I'm getting better every time I write and it still feels good.

There was many years when I didn't write anything, I didn't know what to write, how to start. High school messed my writing so badly, I'm still recovering from it. During high school I didn't even like writing. I got so much negative feedback about my writing that I stopped it. But nowadays I don't care that anymore. It doesn't matter if someone doesn't like my way of writing. I know I can get better and if I get some constructive criticism. There's difference with constructive criticism and telling you that "you can't write like this, it's not the right way. You have to stop writing fiction".

Be heard, Be strong, Be proud.

I wanna make some noise.

I'm officially moved out now. My address changed today. And it's awesome! It feels good to be home. I have always wanted out of this town, but now it's kinda nice to be here. This good place to have my stuff and travel. I still want move away, but I'm not in hurry. I have time. I can deal with this town, it's okay. It's beautiful, I can appreciate it differently than I used to do. I was too young and restless.

Well, I'm still restless and I'm getting more and more restless.

Gotta turn the world into your dance floor

Determinate, d-determinate

Push until you can't and then demand more

Determinate, d-determinate

You and me together, we can make it better

Gotta turn the world into your dance floor

Determinate, d-determinate

It's over midnight and I still want to go out. I wanna go jogging or something. I have too much energy. It sucks to know I have to sleep even though I'm not sleepy right now. I know I'll be in the morning if I don't go to bed. I think I have to find a hobby for myself. I need something where I can use all of this extra energy. I need the way to get these feelings out.

I have my own ways to deal with bad feelings. I know exactly what to do if I'm depressed, I know what I have to do if I have a panic attack. But when it comes to happiness.. I'm not sure what to do. I can't remember when was the last time I was this happy, truly happy. When was the last time I didn't have any weight in my shoulders, when have I smiled this much, for so long time. When was the last time I have been able to get on my feet by myself, when was I able to think positive even tough there's nothing special going on.

I can't remember. But that doesn't matter, because I'm happy now. I just wanna dance and I hope you dance with me.

Love,
Ambivalent

I'm going to touch the sky

Sorry that I haven't been posting anything for many days. I have been kinda busy lately. Working, seeing friends, planning things and everything. I haven't had peaceful days, I have been doing so much. It feels kinda good.

I'm finally free. I gave our old apartment's keys away last Saturday, I'm not going back there anymore. I never believed this day would actually come, it felt like forever to wait this. I can't believe I can finally leave this period behind me and close the door. I can start my life again, I can feel good again.

Don't get me wrong. I really thought I was happy with my ex-boyfriend. I loved him so much, I was ready to do anything for him. I never wanted to hurt him even though he hurt me many times. I didn't want to see bad things, I just wanted to concentrate on good things. But like my ex said "If I try to remember good days, I can't. Time with you weren't bad, but it wasn't good either. It was just neutral." Our relationship was okay, we didn't have any big emotions, no big fights, no extremely awesome days. Everything was okay, but inside I was suffering. I couldn't see it when I was with him, but now I can see that.

I wanted to feel strong. I wanted to live my life. I'm still young, I don't want to settle. World is still open to me, I can do what ever I want. I can achieve things. There's nothing holding me back right now and I'm enjoying it. I know I could have been happy with my ex, but the way I want. I don't want just nice, I want awesome. If I had stayed with him, I would have been settling to him. I could have been happy, but not as happy I know I can be.

Luckily I'm free now, I have opportunity to be happy and finally live the way I want. I can't believe that I have lived this apartment over month already and it's still clean. There's only one explanation - I'm more happy now so it's more natural to keep everything in order.
Damn, I guess I have grown. I have changed so much lately, I can't keep up with all the changes. It's funny how much people can change in short time. I think it's mainly because I started to be honest to myself. After I admitted that I'm not happy with my ex, I started to feel so much better. I didn't have to keep up the act, now I'm free to express my feelings. I was so tired to hide my feelings. I was so tired. I didn't want to show my feelings, because I didn't want to end up fighting with my ex. I was afraid of him. 

Love,
Ambivalent

Deep inside you're growing strong

Can you tell me that  I'm wrong?

Don't keep your broken heart too long

Deep inside you're growing strong

Look beyond your life today

Can you see yourself this way

when the winter cold is gone?

Hold your head up high

And this pain will die

Somehow, somewhere, just try

You're living in the dark

where no one can see your tears

But hold your head up high

I hate these days.

Love,

Ambivalent

Keep laughing, keep smiling, keep dancing

Last night was awesome. I hosted a party for my few friends. The idea of the evening was "drink all my alcohol!" There was only me and five of my friends and we had quite much to drink. And one of my friends was driving, so she didn't drink anything. There isn't even everything in that picture..

I also made something to eat, with little help of my friends. 

We managed to empty only 9 bottles, and half empty couple more. You can imagine how drunk all of us were.  I have no idea how we managed to get in the bar after all our drinking, We laughed, talked about everything and everyone seemed to have fun. One of my friends kept telling me whole night, that it was so awesome that I invited him, that it was so awesome party and he haven't felt so good for long time. 

Everyone of us seemed to be so happy all night. Well, at least I was happy. I had so much fun. We talked girls' stuff and oh, I felt bad for our only guy. "I hope all the girls aren't like you" It was funny how things got out of hand after few bottles and small group. I was positively surprised that I didn't talk about my ex. I didn't have any needs to talk about him, there isn't anything to talk about anymore. Even though, he kept texting to me when I was in the bar, but that's another story.

I danced almost all night in the bar and didn't leave before bar closed. We managed to get home safely with my friend, even though he threw up about 200 metres before home. It was kinda cute, how bad shape he was, but it was one of night's the goals - make him drink that much he end up throwing up.

Even though we both were really drunk, we went walking after we got home. Imagine, two drunk people walking around. I can tell you, it wasn't such a good idea to walk across the forest after rain..

It was too bad it didn't rain anymore, because I wanted to dance in the rain. I love these nights when I can't stop smiling. And I think my smile affects people around me too, hopefully good way. 

We went to sleep around 6 am and I was surprised when I woke up - I didn't have hungover! Of course my head hurt, but it wasn't that bad. I took a shower, cleaned this apartment (geez, I have been cleaning here more than I cleaned our last apartment in six months) and then I started to watch Death Note. This day has been awesome too. I haven't done anything special, but it still feels good. 

This weekend was so awesome again. I love my life right now.

Love,

Ambivalent

oh, and yea. I found last night that I have a fan. That girl seem to know quite much about me, look my pictures and see me as her role model (okay, maybe not actual role model, but something like that). She told me that I'm so awesome person. I was kinda touched that someone sees me like that.

"Never say you're happy"

"When I was a little girl, I told my mom that I'm happy. And she told me "Never say you are happy. Never tell it to anyone"." I was shocked when my friend told me that. Why would anyone tell their kids that it's not okay to express their feelings? That's insane.

Okay. I know, there's a phrase which goes something like "The one, who has the happiness, should hide it". I know it might annoy someone if someone else tells that she/he is happy. I know it's not always nice to watch and see how everyone else seems so happy, when you are feeling bad at the same time. I know it's kinda sensible to hide your happiness for others.

But that is totally bullshit. Why shouldn't I show if I'm happy? It might bother someone, but I know my friends can be happy for me. I know how to be happy for other people, so I expect everyone else know that too. I have surrounded myself with people who can be truly happy for other's happiness. That's one of the reasons why I love my friends. I can share my happiness, they can share their happiness. I can share my troubles and they can share their troubles. That's normal friendship, that's how things should be.

Everyone, who reads my blog, knows how happy I am right now. I never thought it might bother someone. Maybe it does, but I believe most of the people are just happy for me. Even if I'm happy, it doesn't mean that I can't help other. I can still listen everyone's problems, I can be supportive. I don't have to talk about my happiness all the time, I don't need to rub it into face. I just believe that if I share my happiness, other people can be happier too.

I want everyone to be as happy as me and I wanna do my part. I don't share my good feelings just because I want everyone to know about them - no. I share them because I hope someone else starts to think positive too. Because if you think positive, good things will eventually happen to you.
You create your own reality. If you think negatively, is it a surprise that your life is tough? I know it's hard to think positive when bad things happen all the times, but it's worth of it. Because as long as you are alive, there's hope. There's possibility that everything turns okay. No, I know that everything will turn okay at the end. Always.

It's your choice - are you going to enjoy the ride or complaining about it all the time. Learn to see beauty in everyone and everything. Enjoy the rainy days, because they only make sunny days even better.

And to those who thinks that I don't know anything about being sad or having problems - I have been deeply depressed for many years and actually, I ended my therapy a year ago, seeing psychiatrist ended about six months ago. I know how hard is it to think positive, how hard is it to see anything beautiful in this world. But I'm learning and so should you.

Love,
Ambivalent

If I die tonight, I die happy.

 "Who are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself where you're free to experience them?"

I don't who I am, but I'm on my way to find out. I can't remember when was the last time I knew what I want. It's so much easier to find myself when I know what I want. I don't have to start collecting pieces from nowhere, I have something where I can rely on, something that doesn't disappear right away.

I have never been this peaceful with myself. I'm happy with myself and I hope this feeling won't ever go away. I'm okay with my past, I don't know what future brings but it's okay. I still don't know how to live in the moment, but I'm learning.
I guess it's okay if I don't see my friends everyday, if I'm not social everyday. Maybe it's okay to see friends during free days, sometimes quickly after work, but usually keep in touch through Facebook or phone. I think it's okay if I'm not super-social everyday.

I have been smiling so many days in row.  I have been feeling so good even if I haven't been doing anything special. I have been working and writing, cleaning my apartment, cuddling with my cats. I'm just so happy with myself. I think this is the feeling everyone talks - self-esteem. I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be. Okay, I still have problems with self-esteem, but I can handle them. I know, I'm gonna solve every problem. I believe in myself and damn, I feel good!

I wanna dance, I wanna sing. I wanna get drunk. I wanna walk to the other side of the town. I wanna laugh, I wanna lie on the ground and just ignore everyone. I wanna be free. I wanna fly.

And guess what - I believe I can get everything I want and need. It may take time, but I know I can achieve everything I want. I'm going to create a life for myself where I can do what I want.

I've got a war in my mind.

Love,
Ambivalent

Living in the night, hiding from the day

I like nights more than days. Everything is so beautiful during nights. I have more energy in the evenings. My life begins after my work and my work ends after 9 pm. I always want to see my friends after it, I wanna do everything. Problem is that everyone is either sleeping or going to sleep. Almost every place is closed, so there are nowhere to go. I can't get home after 11 pm, because buses stop going around 11. It sucks.

It's understandable why buses stop then, or why most of the places are closed. Majority of the people are going to sleep. They are getting ready for new day. They are getting ready for sleeping when I'm starting my day. It's a bless and curse to work at the evenings. I don't like doing things before my work, I don't like seeing my friends, I don't like going out, I don't like working out. I wanna do those things after my work, at night.

But this world doesn't work like that. It's almost impossible to do things I want during night. If I want to clean my apartment - I can't because it's too noisy. If I want to see my friends, I can't because they have to sleep so they can study next morning. If I want to go out and have a cup of tea, I can't because every place is closed and if they are open, I need a car to get there. If I want to go shopping, I can't because every fucking store is closed.

It's annoying and stressful to try to fit in the world I don't seem to belong.  I know I'm not alone. There are many other people, who like nights, who are more active during night. I know I should change myself if I want to fit in this world, but I'm not sure do I want. I rather change the world, not myself. I have been changing myself too long, maybe it's world's time to change.

I wanna change this world. I want it to be okay to stay up for long, that there are more options for those people who want to live like that. And that's not gonna happen if everyone just tries to fit in this world. That's why I'm gonna do what I want and live my life at the nights if I want. If I have some days when I want to wake up early and do other stuff, it's okay too. I just don't wanna conform to something, because it's something you should do to survive in this world.

Love,
Ambivalent

Whistle all you want, but I'm not gonna stay

This is so true. Of course I have always known these things, but sometimes it's good to remind yourself about these fact. About that you make your own life. That you are the one who can change it. Life is one big video game, take the controller.

I have been trying to follow these rules, but it's kind of hard thing to do. It's hard to go after you want, but I'm trying to learn to do it. I'm working on it. Finally I have found out what I want and now I'm trying to get it too. 

I'm still a little bit confused about the fact that I know what I want. I haven't known that for long time, but after my Iceland trip I found it out. After that one night. I hope I'll always remember that day. I believe it changed my life.

Asking. Well. I followed that rule by asking my friend to come to Iceland with me few days ago. I think one of the reasons why I don't ever ask anyone to come with me, is that I assumed them to say no. I didn't ask anyone help me to move. I just did it all my own. Few times I asked my friends to help cleaning, some of them came, some didn't. 

But asking is good thing. I think I don't have any problems with it. Okay, maybe I have some problems with asking someone to help. But that's whole different thing, maybe I get back to that some day.

And finally my favorite. Moving forward. In my life situation it's all I want. I want to move on and continue my life. I can't wait end of this month. I can't wait to be able to close one chapter of my life and go on. 

I'm finally in the situation that everything is possible right now. I can do everything I want. And I'm so tired of being just here, at this same place. Maybe that's why I love travelling so much, I don't like being in just one place too long time. I wanna keep on moving.

I have changed so much lately and I like this new me more than the me I used to be. I'm much more positive, I'm much more happier. I know what I want, and even if things don't go the way I want them to go, I can live with it. My world is more balanced than ever before this. I think balanced is not the right word.. It's like, my world doesn't end if I get hurt. My world continues even if something goes wrong. I think I have done something right with my life, it feels so good to know that I have build good basis for myself. I'm on my way to find myself.

Love,

Ambivalent

Come and take a walk on the wild side

I love these lazy days. I haven't done anything today. I have been just lying in the bed, watching Death Note, talking with my friend and just chilling. I planned to wash my clothes today, but I didn't even do that. But I think it's okay. It's okay to have days like this.

I did something unexpected few days ago. Some of you already knows that I'm going to Iceland in Match. I already have tickets and I have asked vacation on those days. And everyone knows that I love travelling alone. I don't usually ask anyone to come with me.
But M suggested to me that I should take friend with me when I come. I started to think and before I knew, I called one of my friends and said "Hey, do you wanna come to Iceland with me in March?" And she said yea, why not. I was so amazed, someone wants to come with me so easily!

My friend doesn't think for long, she lives spontaneously. Why I think that? Because she bought flight tickets yesterday. I can't believe that! I always plan things much more, I consider every option, bad sides and good sides. But no, she just decided that she will come with me, so she bought a flight tickets right away. That is so awesome!

That trip will be so awesome. I realized that I have never spent more than one night continuously with my friend. Not even weekend. And now she is coming to Iceland with me for one and half week. It's gonna be interesting.
This feels funny. I'm kinda getting everything I want. I mean. I love travelling alone, but it's awesome to have someone with me too. After that trip one of my friends actually knows M and probably understands why I want to go to Iceland so badly. And with this trip, I'm getting everything. First I have friend with me one and half week, then I have another one and half to spent on my own.

Sometimes everything seems to fall in their own place.

Love,
Ambivalent

And partying's the only solution

Geez. I can't remember when was the last time I was as drunk as I was last night. My friend had a house warming party and I was drinking so much. It's funny how drunk I got so easily. It was probably because I haven't been drinking for so long time.

But even though I was drunk, it was good way drunk. You know, sometimes when you are drunk, you start to cry and talk about your problems. Not this time. I was so happy, I smiled all night. I laughed, nothing could hurt me. I took too many pictures and most of them with my friends camera. I really want to see those pictures.

There should be pictures about me also. I can't wait to get them. Because damn, I looked awesome last night! I'm usually too lazy to look good, I'm kinda boyish with my huge hoodies, without any make-up. But when it comes to partying.. I love looking good. I love skirts and dresses, making up, look like a girl for a change.

I have no idea how I always manage to get home, no matter how drunk I am. I can always take care of myself, I have awesome survival skills. I mean. Last night, I knew when the bus is leaving even though I didn't check schedule. I just knew it's gonna leave now, I have to go there. I was also planning to hitchhike home, but I knew it won't be good idea alone and that drunk.
My friend said to me "You are so smart even if you are wasted". Sometimes I wonder how it's possible. It's hard to do anything stupid if my common sense doesn't disappear. Obviously I can't shut my mind down.

But yea, last night was awesome. I met so many new people, everyone was so awesome. Weird music, shy cat, awesome chairs. Many pictures, talking and smoking too much. And of course, it was so nice to see my friend too. Thanks for good party.

Can't wait next weekend!

Love,
Ambivalent

ps. I can hear my neighbors fighting. That man is yelling "Whore!" really loud..

You don't always get what you want, you get what you need.

I got awesome idea few days ago and I have been planning it lately. I have been so excited!

It all started from a small thought - I'm single and I can do what ever I want now. Then I realized that I can go to see my friends when ever I want. I don't have to think about anyone else when I plan my trips. I can just decide that I'm going to see my friends, pick a day and go there. I don't have to think anything!

Then it hit me - I can go abroad so easily now. All I have to do is ask vacation from my boss and buy flight tickets. So I started to think. What if I spent my birthday abroad? It would be awesome! Now I just have to decide where to go, I already asked my birthday weekend free.

Problem is that I have no idea where I want to go nor do I want to go alone or with someone. I can't decide that. I'm not good with decisions, it has always been so hard for me. Right now, I know what I want to do, but the problem is that I'm not sure is it wise. And even though I try to live spontaneous and care-free, I can't change myself so quickly.

This is so strange to know what I want, I'm not use to that.  At the same time I know it's not what I need right now. It probably will be the thing I need too, but not now. There are many things I have to do before I can get what I want. I think I have to do things I need before I start to do things I want.

But it sucks. I don't want to be so grown-up. I wanna do stupid things, I wanna life my youth. I wanna do what my heart says even if it's not probably good idea. My head is telling me that I have to think about future, that I have to take care of everything. I have to save money, I have to be stable. I have to be mature, I can't make mistakes.

I'm afraid that I'm gonna regret something I do or not do. I'm not sure which one is worse - regret something I did or something I didn't do. Usually it's worse to regret something you didn't do, but in this case, I'm not sure. I'm not sure is it worth of risk.

well, this was kind of strange text..

Love,
Ambivalent

Love yourself

I'll continue posting these positive thinking posts. I'll finally take the challenge and write positive things about myself. That challenge is in the end of that blog and I hope everyone who reads this, does it too. That challenge is simply "Write five positive things about yourself."

It's kind of hard. It's hard to admit that I have some good sides too, that I'm good person after all. I know some positive things about myself, but I usually keep those things inside me. I mean, it's like tabu to talk good about yourself. I find it really funny, because it doesn't make any sense.
I always find positive things from other people and I also tell those things to others. But when it comes to talking about yourself.. Suddenly it's not okay to say "I think, I'm beautiful." or nice, friendly, wise or anything. And if I tell someone that he/she's awesome person, usually people starts to mumble something like "nahh, I'm not, stop that.." I also do it, but I want to change that.
I want to do my part to change the people's way of thinking. It's okay to like yourself.

Anyway, Five positive things about me
1. I'm friendly to (almost) everyone.
2. I find positive sides of everything.
3. I'm a good listener.
4. I have red hair (I really love red hair )
5. Right now I know exactly what I want to do (before I start to study)

Well. This was easier than I thought. I think it's not that I don't like myself or anything like that, it's just that it's not "normal" to show it if you like yourself. But now I admit it, I like myself. I like how I look nowadays, how I fell in love so easily, how I feel everything so strongly. I like living my life. My life is awesome right now.
Of course I have some bad days too, but who doesn't? Main thing is that I usually love myself.

So love yourself. It's worth of it.

Love,
Ambivalent